Why Beth?

Elainie Barraza
Nov 6 · 4 min read
womanready.com

I’ve experienced pain, but never like this.

I’ve undergone silence, but I’ve never felt the need to maintain it the way I do now.

How can you do this to me?

Beth had a habit of getting herself into predicaments that she knew she’d never be in if she wasn’t a patient lover of all. She continually found herself asking God ‘what did I do to deserve this? Who have I hurt? What have I done?’, as tears flowed down he soft, rosy cheeks and she wept in silence. Quiet and painful cries as she kept asking ‘why me why me why me?’. She was a person who eventually understood why the people she loved so much acted in the ways that they did, regardless of the matter, but she could never comprehend why she was forced to be put through a pain she felt she didn’t deserve.

What happened to Beth? Why is Beth hurting? Who would damage a kind soul who attempts to bring light to those she interacts with? Who did she hurt? Is this karma?

It resulted that Beth hadn’t hurt anyone. This wasn’t her fault. Everyone’s damaged in some way, and he used his bruises to bring her a pain she never thought she’d endure. Maybe he wanted her to feel what he did every single day, the constant battle in his mind that he never told her he had.

“I could’ve helped you. I would’ve done anything for you”, she cried to herself one evening as she achingly reflected on that night. It had only been four days and even after the unforgivable had occurred, Beth still wanted to understand and forgive.

She kept her secret for days, weeks, months, years. Beth never wanted anyone to view him in a negative light.

“He’s a good one”, she’d say as she still refused to reveal the true reason for the abrupt ending to their years long love that filled every room they entered. “We just realized we weren’t right for one another. It was time to go our separate ways.”

Say what you feel Beth say what’s on your heart.

Beth was so destroyed and humiliated of that evenings events that as she began to tell bits and pieces of that night, she still never told all of the details. She has, however, replayed that night in her head numerous times, remembering every single moment. All the colors, all the screams. It hurt just as much now as it did that night. Nothing she did helped to take the pain away, not even time.

“I HATE YOU!” He screamed. “You’re a fucking bitch! I hate you!”

“Please stop yelling. We’ll get through this. Give me your hand, let me hug you and get you something to eat so we can sober you up and get through this. Together, let’s do this together,” Beth pleaded over and over again.

She tried and tried and cried and tried but he wouldn’t stop. The man she once adored didn’t look like himself. He mirrored a demon and she was horrified. She had never seen anyone’s eyes look as empty as his did. Why don’t you love me anymore? Why are you hurting me like this? Please come back to me. I need you here with me.

“I want to fucking kill you! I hate you!”, he roared. These were the words that broke and traumatized her the most.

She was defeated. She was more afraid of him than she has ever been of anything. She wanted him to kill her, she wanted for this night to end no matter how it eventually concluded. Instead of facing the death she knew was waiting if she continued to bargain with him, she ran.

Beth had dreamt of a night similar to this one. It was a reoccurring nightmare that she’d always wake up from before it finally finished due to her fear of how it’ll all end. He’d scream and call her names she thought weren’t possible of leaving his lips, weren’t possible to be his thoughts, and then would chase her. This monster would chase her, still screaming words she refused to believe were his, and then would pull out his gun. Beth would then realize she was dreaming and would try to wake herself up every time. Please no, my love. Please don’t do this. I love you. We love each other. Please don’t do this. And he’d still pull the trigger every single god damn time.

However, that night there was no gun. It’s likely he was so possessed he had forgotten it was in his glove compartment. In the terrifying reality, Beth chased him as she beseeched for him to take a deep breath and allow her to help him. She so badly wanted to save him, but he was beyond the point of control and aid. He himself didn’t know how to stop. He just kept hurting her and hurting her and hurting her. Beth knew he heard her screaming and begging for him to stop in his head, but he couldn’t. He saw the fear in her eyes and couldn’t bring himself to stop screaming that he hated her and never wanted to see her again. Beth surrendered. She couldn’t take it anymore. She was hurting and mentally wounded.

What pained Beth most of all is that even after all of this she still loved him, wanted to help him and hoped one day she’ll forgive him. The following morning he called Beth and was completely confused as to why he had spent the night on a bench by the lake. He didn’t remember anything. He couldn’t recall himself taunting her, Beth’s screams for him stop or the fear he saw in her eyes. To him, it was as if the worst night of her life never happened. It was just another nightmare. I don’t deserve this. I’m stronger than this. I’ll survive this.

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