MONDAY ACTION DIRECTIVE — Bantu Holomisa Style

Elid K Naz
Jul 24, 2017 · 4 min read

Today, as we drive our lovely cars belonging to us or our family members, make the time to roll down your window for the man or woman walking or waiting for public transport because they come from a line of people who never had a chance, so that they can get to a job you wouldn’t give your worst enemy (or do in your most vivid nightmares) working for peanuts that they may use to raise their children or live from "payday-plus-three-days" to "payday-plus-three-days" and/or alleviate an existence we could not imagine on our worst day by wallowing in spirits that still enrich people who could not give a crap about them. Roll your window down and tell them that at least they’re suffering on a tar road, for which they can humbly thank colonialism.

And if they look at you in disbelief, or in any way assume you’ve lost your damn mind, assure them that you’re not just sure of what you’re saying; you’re Bantu-Holomisa-positive:

Even when this poor soul attempted to save him:

…our winter-icon — that bastion of all that is good and moral in anti-Zuma South Africa, noted the heads up, but stayed true to his course amidst much fanfare from whi-*coughing fit* “South Africans”. At least he offered no fakology though:

Tell them, then, that their dignity and subjugation may have come at a multi-generational cost, and yes… maybe they would have been awful people if we hadn’t been colonized and treated like second-class citizens on our own soil by people who really don’t care how we were actually affected; but hey... electricity! Hospitals! Because it is well-documented that when Africans got sick hundreds of years ago, they got over it by dying… Africans never cured anything until hospitals were built.

They didn’t have the capacity.

It is also well-documented that before the erstwhile oppressors arrived, Africans stayed home. Because no one had invented the wheel or tarred the roads for them yet. Until they were saved by the grace, ingenuity and capacity to create that was OPPRESSION! THE MUSICAL (in theatres from 1652 and running, uninterrupted, until 1994, where after it moved to the Backburner Theatre in Cape Town). Because oppressors came over just wanting to help Africans be healthy so that they could drive everywhere to visit each other while colonizers worked hard in the fields, farming and giving, giving and farming and farming and giving while giving and farming all for zero to no gain. They brought us law and order so we could stop eating one another so much while we milled around looking for the next person to kill because — no TV.

And if you’re still alive to get to the end of this wonderful praise for a system that has stripped you and your people clean and left you with fractured cultures, languages and value-systems so you are actually only now discovering what your African-ness means, be sure to make it known that all they need to do to be #Blessed is:

  1. Work hard.
  2. Stop having so many babies. 😉 Macron.
  3. Work hard 33 and a third.
  4. Just go to school.
  5. Work hard with a vengeance.
  6. Pay their taxes.
  7. Live free or work hard.

Then as you drive away in the R134 000 entry level car you’re going to pay R2899 for exactly sixty times before that R30 000 balloon amount is due, be sure to find some nearby mud and do your best to splash them with it. If you are unable to find said mud, we advise the following:

  1. Roll the window down.
  2. Calmly put your arm out the window.
  3. Form an upward-facing fist.
  4. Lift your middle finger.
  5. Take off, with tyres screeching.

That’ll remind them that you really couldn’t give two hoots about them. Luckily the only difference between you and their leaders is that you have the little bit of decency not to be fighting for them under a united and democratic movement.

Elid K Naz

Written by

The Disgruntled African Woman / Secretary of The Black Meeting

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade