Flying as a first world problem

Part 2 — After takeoff

When you’re in a plane, you’re not only full of regrets, a bit disoriented and upset with the lack of space. You also become angry and impatient — especially when the service isn’t going fast enough: you know you won’t manage to get your double whiskey before you’re halfway to your destination. Which sucks, because it’s so great to get tipsy in a plane. Including because (perhaps paradoxically) it’s very safe: if you’re the kind to text your ex when you’re tipsy, well, at least this is the one place where it’s not going to happen.

You feel embarrassed, when you realize you forgot to switch off your phone. Relief, when you remind yourself that it doesn’t really matter, because if it did, mobile phones would be forbidden in planes anyways.

Secret delight kicks in, if the passenger next to you is a hotty. It’s much nicer than a 50+ who will totally judging your lifestyle because you either have a) kids or b) had too much to drink.

Shame comes next, when you pay 10 euros for a platter of plastic food, just because you can. Surprise, when that tomato juice actually tastes better than in ‘real life’ or than any other food that’s being served here. And when you find out that according to that other article, there’s an explanation for this.

Frustration, because flying puts your daily life’s habits and marks between brackets. Take sleeping — each country might have its own solution: the French have the largest bedrooms, the timespan between the last meal and bedtime is the longest in the Netherlands, and the Brits are the most impacted by their bed partners’ sleep habits (snoring as the world’s biggest nuisance). South Koreans sleep on the floor. Now, how much of that can realistically happen in an aircraft?

Things get worse when and if you’re sitting a couple of rows away from a baby who inevitably will start crying at some point. Such situations further convince me that pro-life activists are irresponsible people. Next to Asian tourists taking selfies during the whole trip, babies are a particularly irritating category of flight companions. It’s like they’re programmed to teach you about coping with an extremely hostile environment, and to follow you in places that provide zero opportunity to escape. This is worse than some mental health clinics from the 1920s.

After fear and slow death, comes boredom, quickly followed by wild imagination. If you’re a window person and once sat next to the plane’s wings, you might have been distracted enough to read what’s written on these. I copied that for us: ‘Started override’. ‘Access hole’. ‘Caution: Smart system must be pressurized during manual operation’. Oh, and ‘No step’. I’ve read it 10 times once, thinking about what sorts of funny associations came to my mind. Time is the only thing that can be legally killed in a plane, so…

And then there’s bliss. It only happens on two occasions. First, when what you see above the Earth is breathtaking. Second, when your neighbor says ‘cheers’ back at you as you both ordered drinks and, just like you, looks like he or she is about to watch a Breaking Bad marathon, because it’s exciting to drink in a plane. You know your neighbor knows that too. It’s great to sit next to people who share your opinion on such basic life facts. There — you’re not alone.

Finally, I’m always glad to be allowed to keep one piece of luggage with me. No one wants to have to puzzle with too many problems on top of the passengers’ heads, which is why you’re required to keep it light and small. But for short trips away, I always manage to put all my things together in that one trolley. So if the plane is about to crash, at least I know that I can try to run away with that stuff that really matters.