Wisdom Guide 2. — Surviving Social Life

Your relationship with social media has become toxic. Your Facebook news feed doesn’t like you, you think, and you don’t know why but you’re starting to take it personally. Human mediocrity and overstimulation makes you develop weird behaviours that are a little too close to obsessive compulsive disorders, such as staring at things. You think you might have ADHD, which is practically the new AIDS.

You’re looking for guidance. What’s the next move when you don’t know what the game is? Well, for starters, reading the following list could help you identify what the random accomplishments and realities of your daily life (could) truly look like.

Today: Surviving social life

►Make it a habit to say that you’re busy and important. You’re not much available due to a combination of holidays, social popularity, part-time work, parental leave, and home-schooling your kids. Also, be a part-time feminist: you’re way too busy for more. And life is just easier this way.

► Being mean, witty and sarcastic is popular and likeable. Ask a married couple why they got married in the first place. If their answer is: “Well, because we’ve got kids of course”, laugh until you make them cry.

►Challenge social pressure and the boring rules of the establishment for a whole week. Refuse to drink alcohol and get away with it by saying you’re pregnant and pro-life. Wear a costume that consists of a stained, oversized hoodie and purple sweat pants, and go get a burger at Burger King.

►Find out the worst things you can say to every nationality. For example, tell a Dutch person that you hope for his or her cookies to always be too large to fit into those glasses of milk he or she drinks at lunchtime.

►Entertain conversations to test your audience. Be provocative. Every chance you get, mention the EU being incompetent. Ask: “But who the hell is ISIS?” with one finger on your chin. Say that nowadays one must study engineering to become rich. Insist on how much green energy sucks, say that that children are pro-green until they realize what pays for their Xbox, and that using an iPad uses more energy than that car anyway. Add that your source is dailymail.co.uk.

►Make sure to avoid political incorrectness at all times though. When meeting a German for the first time, don’t mention the war. Talk about your last trip to Israel instead.

►Act like you’re a hipster from Scandinavia. Everyone has an opinion about this kind of people, so it will be as though you have found an identity.

►When at the movies: only use your mobile in case of emergency. And booty calls.

►Be together alone. Take the stairs in public places to go a floor up, and look down at the people who take the escalators instead. Yes, you look so badass and powerful next to them.

►Evaluate how intoxicated you are by those psychological/health articles you’ve been reading. One way to do so is to watch a James Bond movie and pay attention to how often you associate his behavior with potential mummy issues, or judge him because seriously, he really drinks way too much.

►Try to get into a fight. Find someone who’s eating a burger at 10am in his car and stare until that person stares back. Call a phone or Internet provider about that issue with that device.

►Spend some time and money making passport photos until you master the meth addict or ex-convict look, or you know, like someone who’s done something really, really really bad in a basement. Ask random people in the street about their opinion.

►Download Snapchat and Tinder. Get side-tracked on Instagram. Uninstall Snapchat. Install Happn. Ho, not enough memory left on phone. Uninstall Tinder. Go back to Facebook. Zzz.

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