Eighteen — February 2015
DUDE this should not be bothering me as much as it is but we all know I’m a sensitive Cancer inside.
Delilah (scorpio), lol the fucking chick I’ve written about on here a few times, she used to be best friends with Penny, we were good friends in high school, we would fangirl HARD over Beyonce. I hadn’t spoken to her in years but recently…maybe a few months ago? I messaged her on facebook (BACKGROUND: she essentially wants to be Bey (which isn’t good but whatever, insecurity issues hardcore), super driven, very talented and wants it THAT bad; I know because I recognize it in myself. She’s an internet whore, always posting about shit including times when she feels hopeless with her dreams; I messaged her telling her I believe in her, that she’s incredible and not to lose heart, that she’ll make it. She was so sweet about it and we talked for a bit back and fourth. Fun times. All this happened last year, possibly before I went to Malta.
Today I’m cooking and I think I haven’t seen any of her posts lately, thinking her and the dude she’s dating/obsessed with broke up; NOPE I checked and the whore unadded me. WHY?! Lol WHY?!?!?! I don’t post shit on facebook, what is there to unadd the girl who believes in you for?! WHY the hell does this matter to me?! Fuck it dude. I sound like such a crazed lunatic. FUCK SOCIAL MEDIA EXACERBATING MY SELF CONSCIOUS NATURE.
Today was stressful in general, I’m in PMS hell as I took a pregnancy test yesterday morning and it came out NOT PREGNANT, I don’t feel relieved as I should because I’m still waiting for my period….which made a brief appearance when pissing earlier, I was EXCITED AS FUCK but its gone. I’ll take another test in a few days if I still don’t get it, its patiently waiting in my bathroom. Its just even if I’m not pregnant now…I KNOW I was before, my hormones are going insane, and everything seems soul crushingly hard today. Theres a bitch cashier at one of the grocery stores I go to and I almost SMACKED HER FUCKING FACE when she pursed her lips at me in distaste, like she just couldn’t BEAR to have me in her line. FUCK YOU, YOU HAVE NO LINES ON YOUR FOREHEAD WHICH MEANS YOU DON’T PROCESS EMOTIONS AT FUCKING ALL YOU NASTY CUNT She looks like the Trunchbull (if you haven’t read/watched ‘Matilda’ you need to) and I won’t ever be going to her line no matter how long all the rest are…did I mention the first time she was a bitch to me? When I said ‘salut’ and she just gave me this long blank stare, then pointedly said ‘bonjour’ to the chick behind me WHEN SHE WAS STILL CHECKING OUT MY GROCERIES, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE, I can’t deal with this shit today, I fucking can’t.
I have a colonic scheduled tomorrow at 330 which is lovely, the woman’s name is Rea and I like her already, excited to meet her and begin another possible relationship with a colonic angel.
I properly cooked today for the first time since being here (will be a month on the 25th, can you believe how quickly its going?!). My food is delicious and I’m about to eat it (I’ve been buying from this organic shop, theres this fri
–fuck I’m too hungry to recap all this, I needed to vent, I feel better now, more later.
One more thing, Marley is acting weird today, I think he’s annoyed I’m up all night and sleep half the day away…when he goes to bed at 1030 and rises around 7. He’s a Leo and likes constant attention (like all Leo’s, hello Jennifer Lawrence), and appreciation clearly. FUCK that shit.
^^^^I wrote all that on the sixteenth, today is the nineteenth–I’m still going a little bananas considering I bled the tiniest bit (two days ago) and tears came to my eyes in relief, but it went away so fucking quickly, not a drop since. Have been shoving a coconut/parsley soaked (organic) tampons up my vag every night since, today I took that other test NOT PREGNANT which gave me more relief then the first one as its a few days in to missing it (I always take it with the first piss in the morning…and its an expensive ‘clear blue’ test, not the bargain ones I’ve ALWAYS gotten in the past, 99% accuracy). Whatever it was, I just wanted to know for SURE so I can take care of all this bullshit, I feel better now, the pill must be fucking with me. I did bleed a few days after taking it so maybe that counts for a period? I just want my tits to swell down, and my belly to not bloat, self conscious as fuck.
Marley are fine, we skyped, we talk all the time, maybe he’s on his period, fuck knows I’m going crazy enough for the both of us.
Last night at 1:34 the super/new moon graced France with its presence (looked/walked, couldn’t find it). I laid on my bed naked and thought about what I want, I’m sure you know but I’m not writing it here. Afterwards I wrote down my wishes/intentions, cooked, has this massive urge to clean out shit I don’t need here and did so, two hours worth. I AM READY FOR THE FUTURE, NO BULLSHIT HOLDING ME BACK including Grey’s sock/paper he wrote his email/number on I DON’T CARE YOU SEXY ARIES. I threw out pens that don’t have enough ink (three), moved the ancient microwave to a bottom drawer on the bureau so I don’t have to LOOK AT THAT NAZI INVENTION and have more counter space to hold my lemons/tea/avocados/garlic. Old papers are gone, all the tampons I brought (like a case of 100) because I bought organic ones the other day, I looked for organic ones before I left but alas, New York is shit. I also lost all my music, I don’t want to go in the particulars of it because its boring as fuck but I knew it would happen, decided to go through with it that day, bought a few singles and the TheWeeknds latest LONG album which I’m in love with. He’s dirty/kinky as hell and his music turns me on, though I’m not into group love, it just doesn’t appeal to me. All attention needs to be focused on me when I’m fucking you. Queen love :) xo
I’m feeling better taking that second test and seeing ‘pas enciente’ THANK FUCK though I’m not/wasn’t as daunted as before about getting an abortion, I’d just schedule an appointment, its the MIND FUCK all this is playing with me….not good, not good folks.
I have to make my lemon water
Lemon water is made
Did I mention Thomas, that desperate cunt messaged me (after unadding me) Happy Valentines with a little half smile. Such a Libra, so disgusting to me, that clearly went ignored.
I need the skinny bartender to ask me out, I saw/stalked him twice since I’ve been off. Monday night I went in and it was busyyyyyyyy, he actually tended to me the whole time though :) glass after glass of Rosè s’il vous plait :) I actually had this dude come up to me and try and chat me up, I wasn’t into him at all, really even if a hot dude came up to me 1)I’m furiously writing and don’t want to talk to a soul right now 2) If I’m talking to anyone its the skinny bartender…as he’s watching you talk to me LIKE A FUCKING HAWK, OH MY GOD COME AND FUCK ME NOW YOU SEXY FUCKING MAN
I actually wouldn’t fuck him right away, bartenders fuck like crazy/everyone (been friends with Layla and all the bartenders she’s fucked for too long, I know better) and I don’t want to be one of the pack (lol I never do it seems) fuck he’s so good looking. Anyway this girl that night comes over to me and introduces herself, she goes ‘my friend, he likes you, I look behind her to the dude who had just come up to me and she goes, ‘no! no! I’m sure you know who he is…you should come and sit with us’ (he had been talking to them a few times that night, I am sure she meant him, but lollol telling friends about your crush, grown men do that here, its happened at the club with one of the workers as well, I’ll get to that later, stripclub entries seem to need a whole entry to themselves) hahaha and I’m thinking ‘I don’t want to talk to ANY of you, just him please :) and plus I’m writing which is A MILLION TIMES BETTER then making smalltalk with your little gathering. I tell her as nice as I could that I’m in the middle of writing but appreciate the offer, she asked once more after my telling her no which was awkward but whateverrrrrrr, if that dude wants to talk to me he shouldn’t use his friends who can’t take a hint. I know he likes me, its fairly obvious as soon as I walk in the place, when I went to the bathroom he IMMEDIATELY followed me in and whistled as he pissed (unisex bathroom) as though he needed me to know he was in there as well, he took forever to wash/dry his hands and after he finished we smiled at each other and he helped me get the tap working, his friend came in and pulled him out because they were busy as hell.
^^such romance
I didn’t want to drink last night so I went in late after my walk to get some tea and do more writing, people make cafe’s ‘theirs’ don’t they? He asked if I’m around here and I said just down the street, so he knows I’m not traveling to get to him, I’m really not, the place is just at the end of my block, very convenient :) Anyway I go in, I had specifically dressed up nicely (lol who am I kidding, I always do when going there but it took me awhile to decide on an outfit FIRST TIME IN YEARS DOING SO in the end I loved what I wore, and I hate to say it but my newly grown (soon to be retracting) tits looked pretty damn good in the new bra I bought (bought new lingerie for the club on Vday, its gorgeous, I may post a picture as I sent a few to Marley haha). He gave me this big smile when I walked in, we say our pleasantries. He was working with two other people, both I’ve never seen before but very nice, the girl was especially sweet to me which I appreciated. Lol the dude is so obvious about his body language, brushing me when he passes…and the place is empty, has plenty of room to move that TALL body around, he’s got such a gorgeous smile too, its hard for me to face read unless I’m focused on it so I can’t really describe his features but he has a big smile (I need to examine his lips/ears/eyes/wrinkles!!!) which I melt over. When it got to be time to go, I watched him check me out as I put on my coat, he was cleaning the already clean countertop for minutes at a time as I prepared to go…lol was about three feet from me then; I turn to open the door and its locked, he’s so cute he goes ‘follow me’ and leads me out the back door, I say goodbye and thanks, he does the same, winks at me, I go skipping down the street.
I want him very badly, can you tell?!
I have bruises covering my body like crazy, I don’t understand why as its not like I’m constantly bumping into things at the club but damn, they run up and down my legs and forearms. I got a shit massage yesterday and the lady asked me what I do, I told her I’m a dancer and she grasps my legs and goes ‘oui, beacoup’ which is like ‘yes, very’ nice to think someone believes I have dancers legs, even if its a woman I’m paying to rub the stress out of my body.
It was a shit massage as I wanted it to be for two hours, they didn’t understand a fucking thing I said and charged me for two hours…but gave me two women instead, women who wouldn’t stop talking the whole fucking time, put about eighty pounds of hot rocks on my back, and were finished after an hour. It wasn’t completely unenjoyable but I’m never going back again, and I don’t like two people working on me, just give me one. A SILENT one. And I need music, give me that weird tribal shit they always play in massage parlors, I don’t want to concentrate on your breathing/groaning.
The colonic was fabulous, I kind of knew it would be after hearing Rea’s voice on the phone, like ‘yes, this is my new colonic angel’.
I feel like smoking, will do that and continue.
^^Shameless. The flash makes my outfit look as though its perfectly color coordinated, but I’m not that anal in real life, fucked up flash ;) xo
