Eleven — January 2015

If I’m pregnant I’m going to FUCKING FLIP OUT
My tits are definitely bigger, nothing huge but I can absolutely notice and its bothering the FUCK out of me, I’m supposed to get my period on the 16th if I remember correctly, so I’m not late and I’m telling myself I just took that damn pill and most likely PMS’ing so just relax you hormonal cunttttt. My tits don’t get this big before my period and oh my fucking god, I do not want to have to deal with that again. WHY AM I (POSSIBLY) GETTING PREGNANT ALL OF A SUDDEN, maybe its the world telling me just to be a slut because its easier…. strap on condom’s men I don’t give two shits about, my Cancer Midheaven only cares about pleasure for dudes I’m seriously into.

I’m annoyed with Grey, he sent me TWO emails in succession last week, all tell me how you are, lets do weekly emails to see what you’re up to, blah blah blah. I do so, send a detailed long one with a poem attached…after making me wait almost a full week, smelling him EVERY FUCKING DAY, he writes back this little message, mostly (beautifully) describing the weather, no ‘X’ at the end. What the fuck dude. I don’t think (pray!) its not intentional but he’s messing with my feelings, all hot and cold. I’m not writing back to his sorry little email (fuck especially after I poured my heart out in that poem that I’m too embarrassed to post right now…plus I want to switch a word). I was stressing all night at work, was in a shit mood and had to stop myself from crying multiple times, I took THREE DAYS OFF BECAUSE I FUCKING NEED IT so yeah, not showing up till Thursday, in between I’m doing a shitload of writing, walking, Indian restaurant eating, I also hit up room cleaning boy for some pot. I NEED IT VERY BADLY RIGHT NOW. Tried last night with the girls and was out of luck, this is better though because I know the kid will deliver…right to my room, which is fucking ideal right now. I’ll sit around all day waiting for this shit, could not stop thinking about it last night. GIVE ME A BREAK, LET ME ESCAPE, PLEASE LET ME NOT BE PREGNANT.

Room cleaning dude was actually so cool about my asking, said yes immediately like I asked him to grab me towels. We were discussing how to go about it via google translate when his manager came in all ‘wtf is going on here’ haha. He’s coming to my room after his shift, praying he has it with him then. He’s going to get a GIGANTIC tip if he comes through with good shit. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Worst case scenario: I am pregnant. I’d give Grey a call, I want to say ‘I want his support’ but really, do I need it?! I want it, but I won’t ask for it. I want him to offer coming here, paying for it, taking care of me, taking me back here after the procedure. I guess I’ll know what to say when I hear the tone in his voice. Thomas was so cool in the beginning but then turned into an asshole all ‘I’m sure you’ve fucked someone else, it can’t be me’….the grandson of the worlds most fertile grandmother (legit his grandma is in the Guinness book records for having the most grandchildren on the fucking planet). Maybe Grey will be an asshole about it “oh I’m soooooooo busy with my big fancy school, no time to help out the girl I promised a roof for and then took it back…after TWO fucking days”. I don’t know dude. It would help me get the fuck over him if thats the case. I miss him badly, literally cannot stop thinking about him, I’m starting to feel like its a lost cause. Fuck him. Fuck his empty promises (jesus I sound like such a butthurt chick right now), stay in France and get yourself a visa, stay for at least a year and travel in between, theres a good possibility I could get one if I talk to the dudes at the club. They seem to like me/ALWAYS want me to work. And I want to perfect my french, no reason not to stay here.

Best case scenario: I’m not pregnant, I don’t answer Grey’s email and then after days of wondering why I haven’t written back he sends me an email saying he misses me and wrote a poem about me. TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?! Fucking probably with the men I date, emotionally unavailable, the whole fucking lot of them, especially bad when paired up with the worlds most EMOTIONAL girl. I just don’t want to be pregnant, having gone through one abortion…its not the worst thing in the world, just afterwards it HURTS LIKE HELL and its such a fucking process to find a place, pay for the damn thing, get someone to pick you up after, emotional bullshit. At least if I am I know and its not fucking three months in. Jesus please don’t let me be pregnant. GODS PLEASE GET THAT POT DELIVERED RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

Fucked up dream(s). Yesterday I napped after eating and dreamt I was in war and hiding in an attic from the enemies, then my general told me he’d shoot me if I kept hiding. Then Tara taught me and the rest of the army dudes how to flamenco dance. The whole time I was terrified and knew it was a dream, I kept telling myself if it got too bad I could just wake up but I didn’t wake up for awhile.

Just before I had a dream Thomas and I were getting married AGAIN (I’ve had this dream before, just in a completely different context), of course it was some type of enforced marriage where he was just helping me out or something (because in real life AND dream life, no one REALLY wants to marry me, there has to be some sort of reason for it, they’re never madly in love with me of course, of course). I couldn’t properly get ready and I remember Mom saying some really hurtful things to me in the process. He and I were sitting together just before it started and told me ‘I love you’ to which I didn’t respond…and I’m thinking in the dream, I can’t wait to write about this haha.

PS haha Thomas unfriended me on facebook I guess he can’t take my blatantly ignoring him after his bullshit messages, I don’t give a fuck, magically I still have the Furkka Pass pictures so I’m not bothered at all. BYEEEEEE YOU PIECE OF SHIT

My ‘ticket’ to go back is on the 16th, no way in the world am I getting on it, I could be pregnant with fucking quadruplets…they are going down a french drain.

My bank account is so fat right now, I’ve never been this loaded. Marley I am yours forever :p He really is becoming such a good friend to me, it took awhile to be open and honest with him but its happened and he’s so chill, can tell him almost anything. Its nice to have a true friend, given I have close to none right now.

Whatever, COLONIC, MASSAGE, its all happening in my little three day weekend. I want that shit bad.

I’m having a love affair with hummus right now, well hummus and chips, I need it everyday apparently. That shit ends after the colonic as I can’t find proper hummus with NO chemicals. The best I’ve found is organic but they use guar gum which isn’t so bad but its not great tasting, very watery (I’m really good at reading food labels here, so much practice! I know what they all say haha). Theres a non organic one with a few chemicals (I’ve gotten out of desperation because the organic place opens/closes at random hours) thats so delicious but I don’t need science experiment bullshit in my body.

Period or no period I’ll be taking a pregnancy test around the 20th) as the last time in Switzerland, I was getting my period (just a bit lighter) and was pregnant for almost three fucking months. Its sad that I know what to look for, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME, so distraught right now.

WHERE IS MY WEED?!?!?!!?!?!!??!?!!?

I’m shitting perfectly, I have been since I’ve been here. That of course thrills me. Love my body most of the time, just pleassssssse don’t let me be pregnant, please please please please please

The ten year reunion is coming up for my school, everyone on facebook is so excited all “I live here now but I’ll totally buy a ticket to catch up with everyone!!!!! So much fun!!!!’ or ‘I’m still here (in the town I grew up in) can make it any day you guys want!’’ lololololol. Am I the only cunt in the world who would rather starve on the street then spend an hour with any one of them?! Probably.