Fourteen — January 2015

http://www.buzzfeed.com/floperry/what-should-your-drunk-name-be?utm_term=.qgN1Zm8l0&fb_ref=Default#.kpjRjKlDR
^^^haha I’m not sure if you can see my result, but the name is ‘Violet’ (or VEEOHLETT if you’re fancy)

“Violet isn’t much of a thinker, but bloody hell does Violet get stuff done. If someone is being a bit of a wet flannel at a party, Violet will tell them and then walk away without a second glance. If you get turned away from a club, Violet will find a way and magically you’ll be in that club in minutes. If Violet has her eye on someone, then she’ll be snogging their face off by the end of the night.”

I don’t know why I’m posting my fucking buzzfeed quiz answer. Only the last sentence is true but its something to aspire to, at least in certain situations. Except its good to think AND get stuff done, they shouldn’t be mutually exculsive.

I came to a major conclusion on my two hour walk in the middle of the night. One of which being I TOTALLY feel like I’m in my zone here, walking tonight (whilst stoned) just made me feel like I NEED to be here and that it suits me PERFECTLY. Literally felt like I walking down Fifth Avenue when I was living in Harlem with Layla; I was VERY happy in that situation..until I just wanted more, and right now, this is what I want/need/love. Life Rocks.

Number two, I’m not saying this in an angsty way as I’m not harboring (much) resentment towards Grey, if we could go back and do it all over again and he’s all sweet, ‘oh Melissa I can’t go to Oxford without you bullshit bullshit bullshit’, nah I don’t think I would enjoy it as much as I am here on my own. I’m thankful he bailed because it made me REALLY examine what the hell I would be doing…moving to a country that I’ve ALREADY lived in and KNOW the language…with a man who wants me there. I’VE DONE ALL THAT, I DONT WANT ALL THAT. I’m not sure if I’m going to even let him know that I’m pregnant, I skyped with Layla today (she’s not pregnant!!!! got her period a week late!!!!!!!) and she reminded me theres tests you can take BEFORE your missed period. I was doing research today and in France you have to wait A FULL WEEK after scheduling your abortion…to think things over? Fuck that noise, I’m getting fatter, my belly is bloaaaaaaated and that won’t be cute at work. Once this bullshit is sorted with my card (gods I’ll get to that as well) I’m just going to schedule one and end this fuckery RIGHT AWAY. I don’t need Grey’s money as I have a shitton of it and they are cheap as hell here, I’ll get a taxi to and from…and a hot water bottle heater beforehand, I don’t want to cry to him or ask him to be here. FUCK THAT. I don’t want to contact him AT ALL after his bullshit email, let alone his kid is in my body, I don’t want him thinking I’m trying to keep him or weasel my way into his life. Even though its the FURTHEST THING FROM THE TRUTH I’m leaving no random thoughts like that to present themselves to him. Speaking of which I know I mentioned that I wanted to go to Oxford in March, something like ‘willing to take whatever he gives me’ lolololololol fuck did I really write that? SO not the case now (so fucking sad to think I thought that), I’m DONE. Theres a good chance I can get a visa and work here, I’ve already got that dude offering me apartments that I could get, I can cam and strip (even if it falls through I can stay at the hotel…though it’d be nice to go because I’m sick of Raj trying to stay in my room all the time, he came in when I was (pretend) sleeping, kissed my head, left a box of kiwi’s and left). I’m going to ask about the work visa this upcoming week, I’ll DEVOTE my time to them if theres any question regarding my commitment, willing to work six days a week if they file a working visa for me. PLEASE THINK FRENCH WORK VISA THOUGHTS FOR ME, I need that shit so I can stay (one night I worked at its sister club and the dude there was super creepy but flat out told me he’d get me a working visa as he owns the place….took me aside and offered it straight up). Gods forbid I can’t, I’ll go somewhere else, I’m not hunkering down with a dude; I don’t want that (especially with an Aries, Grey is sweet but I can tell EVERYTHING is about him, which is cool, lol truthfully EVERYTHING is about me in my life, but I don’t need to date someone like that, I require a lot of adoration), its ridiculous I even considered it given my past with Christian. I missed Grey, I was miserable at Dad’s, I was lonely–now though :) I LOVE coming here (hotel room) KNOWING that its all me here, I’m not sharing shit with anyone, I can do whatever the fuck I want, I can do my weird gross things and not worry about impressing a dude. I don’t want to cut ties with Grey, I’m going to tell him all this nonchalantly (‘Hey I’m not going to come and live with you, come and visit if you like but I’m staying in Paris’……NO ‘XO’ AT THE END), if he misses me he can take the train and TRAVEL to see ME; its not going the other way now; LOST YOUR FUCKING CHANCE BUT THANK FUCK BECAUSE ITS BETTER THIS WAY.. I’d be happy with him visiting as I fantasize about his sex quite often; but not enough to change my life for him. I like my job, I like living here, I LOVE being on my own, its like night and day when you’re not living with your fucking family; I’m about to get real slutty (with condoms! safe slutty!!!) with these french men so I’M GOOD. I’m good :D

I do think I’m going to get the work visa, Damika, Marika (lol rhyme) and Jonah all said Paris was going to be huge for me; my shit isn’t finished here yet. Marika said it would be ‘easy’ as well to travel, the end of this month is supposed to be really good for my career, lets hope that means the stripping career (writing would be better but I’m trying to be realistic) I’ll coordinate it with the stars of course when I ask.

I’M STAYING!!!!!!! I’M STAYING!!!!!!

Speaking of which, my flight was actually on the tenth, haha I was awake when it left…at seven in the morning, the night I got drunk at the hot bartenders place. Once I realized, I didn’t have ANY amount of panic in me, it wasn’t even like ‘oh shit’ more like ‘fuck that plane’ haha, officially here for the long run, no ticket back :D :D :D :D :D :D :D: D:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Fuck I feel like I should have a spliff in celebration it would be the third one for me today which is more then I’d like as I’m trying to save that fucking shit but FUCK IT, I’m so thrilled, I’m treating myself. I’m not tired in the least bit either–its three thirteen in the morning, I TOLD you Kay once I was out of the suburbs (where everything closes at an ungodly hour) I’d be back to my night owlish ways, living with the family threw me for a loop, so over that bullshit.

Tonight on my walk I ran into this gay couple that wanted me to take their picture, will post after this.

I have a shitton more of ones I took myself, officially a selfie taker gods help me

I’m going to squeeze myself on the inches of cement I have outside my window, lean my body against the tiny railing so I fit and smoke my heart out. YES YES YES