Sixteen — January 2015

When I started seriously journaling I was a completely different person, very cool to know where I was when I started IE: living in Brooklyn, lol a fucking virgin, I never even had a boyfriend yet. I HATED my body and was starving myself, eating shit food when I did eat, insecure as hell, NO IDEA WHO THE FUCK I WAS, wasn’t a vegan which lol rules my life–in the best sense of the term, its opened my eyes to everything, don’t believe what people (namely the government or religions version of god) FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF read your ass off, fucking focus on who the hell you are, do things you think you’re too scared or weak to do.

I know I write about how much I love pot all the time, this is no exception. Sometimes I think I really need it, more then an addiction, it switches my negativity 180degrees. If I’m stressing (tonight, for sure) it makes me reevaluate things. I saw a person in a wheelchair going up my road while I was smoking before work (just two spliffs today, before and after work) and I was overcome with an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my fucking body, I bitch about it so much…well no I’ve gotten a million times better but damn, my immune system is NOTHING compared to people who can’t use their legs. MOVING is so intricate to who I am as a person, I don’t think I could function if I were to lose that aspect of my body. I don’t even like writing about it because it makes me want to throw myself out the window.

No matter what happens though I have to remember my purpose, can’t leave till its all accomplished, no matter what the fuck happens, I’M STRONGER THEN ALL OF THAT

…I do think I’m going to rely on pot till I’ve got everything I want, living the way I am (as much as its perfect right now) I WANT SO MUCH MORE, SO FUCKING MUCH MORE and its hard living that every day, knowing you’ve got to put in a million times more work and its only going to get harder. Its cool though, I’m down for it all.

I hope I don’t eat my words but I’m feeling less pregnant today, I didn’t feel pregnant at all actually; my tits seemed a bit smaller and my stomach wasn’t fucked up. Layla isn’t pregnant… ME TOO?!?!?!?!? ME TOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck I hope so, the money bullshit should be sorted tomorrow morning, actually its tomorrow morning now. Usually I’ve been taking naps but today I didn’t need one at all. Maybe I needed to come to the conclusion I’m officially taking Grey out of my decision process (about everything); maybe that swooshed the demon out. Gods help me.

This world really is so magical, everything has meaning, theres symbolism in EVERYTHING–I’m looking forward to knowing it all once I’m a spirit racing around afterlife/universe/whatever the fuck will happen.

My favorite girl at work MissSelfie is leaving for two months to go to the Dominican Republic, says she’s going to make a grand a day–get it girl. She’s got a kid which she JUST told me about, the girl looks like she’s about eight years old so she must of had her young as fuck. She’s so fucking sweet to me, always kisses everyone hello (everyone LOVES her) but I’m the only one she gives a hug afterwards to. I don’t know why she took to me so quickly, I didn’t speak to her at all when I first began, it was when she bombarded me in the bathroom and took all those pictures did she start chilling with me, it was so random, and she’s an Aquarius which is always interesting. I feel like that breed FLOCKS to me, they always take to me so quickly and they tend to avoid a lot of others, Aiden being — — fuck I’m smelling Grey now, I’m smelling him multiple times a day, much more then before; fuck knows I think about him ALL THE TIME but damn dude, I can’t move back to England and live with a guy, I was uncomfortable towards the end doing so with Thomas, and shit Grey makes me a million times more self conscious. I’m so into that kid, I’m so fucking into him, I really need to be tough and not sway from all this — — the main one, he rejected sitters left and right, a lot of them quit on him; he said almost nothing to me when I first met him during the interview, he didn’t even look at me, was glued to his computer; but shit the first shift I had with him he opened up SO quickly and we became close as hell. He had almost no friends in school, adopted kid, complete misfit and so wary of people in general, plus his parents had him hopped up on a million ADD meds that he begged me not to make him take (but I had to). I yelled at him quite a few times, one of the first few shifts I was there he had over this little bullshit kid whom came from one of the richest families in Manhattan (they paid for the little pudgeballs legs to be lengthened…Jason went to the most expensive prep school in the city, or at least top five, the housewives of NYC kids went there, I saw two of the ladies (Dutchess and Jill Zarin) a few times as well as their kids, ALL the time) that kid was a dick to me and after the SECOND comment he made FOR NO REASON — –Grey smell again — I REAMED him out, said something like “Dude I don’t know how you’re treated at home but you can’t say that bullshit to me (curses included I was pissed), you can fucking leave if you’re going to act like that” he never did leave and Mrs.Bethdat made him apologize to me when she got home :D He came over maybe twice in the years I worked for that family, never liked me since haha, can’t blame the asshole. I think Jason respected me for it though, I don’t play that bullshit; a few times I was bitched out by (other) parents (never the Bethdat’s) for reprimanding their kids when they were acting like assholes (though I didn’t curse at all pre-moving out). Sara’s mother FREAKED OUT on me once when her spoiled son demanded I get him juice. LOLOLOL she was getting ready upstairs when I told him he had his own arms, she STORMED down the stairs and screamed at me, ended up pouring the asshole his juice but I never watched him again. Sara was pissed at me as well

FUCK YOU ALL

HOLY FUCKING SHIT Layla was offered a trip to Paris!!!!!!!! Presumably with her job? She messaged me when I was working to call her, she got back to me when I started this entry and I ignored it because CLEARLY^^^^^^^^^I have a lot of shit to get out. But DAMN I need details, I need my girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl. Fuck I would love to see her. I WANT DRUGS, I was thinking that earlier today, that it’d be so much fun to go out and get properly fucked but its hard to trust random people with shit like coke and E. I don’t mess around with that but she always brings drugs on planes, her and Kanetha are pros about smuggling drugs through airports so FUCK please COME NOW MY GIRRRRRRRRL

One thing I really appreciate about this hotel/cities in general/living on the top floor (I’m five floors up here) is that there AREN’T ANY BUGS. Fuck I don’t like bugs and have a moral obligation to keep them alive. LONDON had the scariest house spiders I’ve EVER seen, jesus christ living with those bold as fuck bastards were not fun. Christian was always an angel about that for me, he’d sometimes stalk that motherfucker for over an hour OVER AN HOUR just to capture it and then I would open up the back door, he would joke about throwing it in my face but he’d never get too close to really scare me, then he’d place it in the neighbors yard. Crying now . I don’t miss him nearly as much as I used to (I don’t give a FUCK about Cynthia, you can believe that) but I do, I think about him. I wish he wasn’t ignoring me. Still love him, really would do anything he needed me to do. I don’t ever want to marry someone again because I believed it when I said my vows that we’d be together till we died, I wanted to fucking leave this world with him. I’m jaded as hell now, thats not even the right word. Realistic? Maybe, just regarding myself–I can’t commit to anything for long periods of time, even with writing I’m jumping from topic to topic ^^^CASE IN POINT, I’m working on a series and a novel, poetry in between; all worlds apart in subject matter, journaling about what the fuck is going on in my life when not doing those three separate projects. Everything is ALWAYS CHANGING. I don’t stay put, its just not who I am. I’ll need different men/dick/possibly chicks till I die, JUST BECAUSE THEY’RE THERE. Sexual as fuck, imagination runs wild all the time. I hate rules too, I fucking hate rules; I lived with too many of them for too fucking long and at the most vulnerable years of my life–NO MORE

Another thing about Christian though (fuck its been so long since I’ve really written/missed/cried/hysterical over him) I know he really fucking loved me, theres a good chance he still does. He didn’t know who I was when we married, he had an idea but he didn’t know me, he went through with it though and made a shitton of sacrifices to be with me. He loved me completely when we grew together in London, I know I surpassed his expectations in a lot of ways, he found other parts I know he didn’t like…but he loved me regardless. And I broke his fucking heart leaving him, my heart was/is broken leaving him. I KNOW it was for the better, I was miserable more then I should have been living with him but the good parts were SO PERFECT, hard to know I won’t ever have that again. There was a lot I found out about him being his wife, things I loved and things I couldn’t tolerate. I wish I was at peace with the situation but I’m so not, I’m better but not there. And the dude I thought that would change that doesn’t want me around. Shit can be rough.

Maybe I’ll get my period. Maybe I’m subconsciously wishing things were a bit easier, as with Christian it was easy as fuck, simple; which would be a nice break from this fucking roller coaster I’m on. He originally came to see me for Valentines day….a year after we had seen/spoken to each other; then a big snowstorm hit and he was so sad wrote me this sad little email saying how he was anxious to prove how easy it would be for him to see me regularly, to treat me well, that I would be ‘someone else’s valentine’ which broke my heart reading that. He ended up getting to Manhattan like the next day after, hopping around on a few planes to get here, I hadn’t heard from him at all but when I was at Layla’s chillen on her bed with Kanetha and eating Chinese food he called me and said he was in his hotel, haha I’m like ‘do you want me to come now?’ as it was in the middle of the night and he laughs a bit and is like “…yeah” haha so cute. I remember very clearly him opening the hotel room door and seeing him there, hot as fuck. I was so stoned at the time lolol but we sat and talked for awhile, he brought vodka as it was my drink of choice at the time. He kissed me, lol I might have kissed him first actually, then I hopped on top of him and he couldn’t fuck me (he had a girlfriend at that point and later told me he felt super guilty….he told me this while were married haha), I was drunk and didn’t care much, passed out most likely immediately after but I woke up to him all over me and we fucked for the rest of his time there. He’s an amazing person in a lot of ways, it would be so nice to sit and have a conversation with him. I would take it with his fucking girlfriend…the one who hangs signs in their house proclaiming her love to him. It hurts to know he says he loves another girl. I’m not capable of that in any sense of the word right now. He needs to be in a relationship all the time (hence cheating on chicks and jumping straight into relationships) I’ve never been a ‘girlfriend’ type of girl, when I am I’m amazing at it but it never lasts, the wife thing never lasted. Fucking recluse, fucking loner.

Legit sobbing. WOULDN’T IT BE AMAZING IF I WOKE UP TO A BLOOD SOAKED BED AND WASN’T PREGNANT AND PMS’ING LIKE ALL THE FUCKING GIRLS IN THE WORLD COMBINED

My internet just gave out, don’t know fucking why. this is annoying, I’m listening to the Future’s ‘turn off the lights’ featuring Ciara (have always loved that chick, sick music, sexy as hell too….Future is an IDIOT for cheating on her, I never did think that would last). I may be a cunt and ask what the fuck is going on

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ylb5-_Y5BqA
^^^^its back now :D hell yes :D

Its cool listening to all this GOOD music at work, totally my style of dancing music. Lots of the girls like to dance to fast songs but I always request slow/sexy ones, and since they started ONLY playing Beyonce’s ‘Drunk in Love’ when I’m called to dance, I started shoving my ipod at them and choosing my own songs. When I hear something I like at the club, I’ll write down some lyrics to look them up on youtube, or just ask one of the girls to write down the artist so I can check that out too.

I would fucking love if Layla (caught her plane…tends to miss them on a regular basis) and came here, fucking hell I would be the happiest girl. Almost seven thirty in the morning here, feeling kind of tired now. Raj came into my room twice this morning, same head kiss twice; its fucking pathetic dude. Lol I’m feeling cuntish now, LET ME BLEED. He wanted some of his pot lolol, he came in the third time and asked if he could have a bit, he took the tiniest little bud and scattered that into his cigarette. He’s been begging me to go out with him on Valentines, lol no fucking way LOL NO FUCKING WAY last night he sent me like nine messages thinking I was ‘sad’ at him but really I was just pretending to be working. I can’t deal with clingy bullshit, I’m too fucking nice to properly tell him off, literally if I told him to stay the fuck away from me (except when fetching me pot that I’LL TOTALLY PAY FOR) like I want to, I’d probably cry afterwards after seeing his face whilst saying that. Cancer Sun, oh Cancer sun, lololololol I was trying to talk to him about astrology and when I said I was a ‘cancer’ this horrified look came across his face, thought I actually had cancer. Its a shit name, really. I don’t know is it fitting? Its not a fucking easy sign to deal with WHEN YOU FEEL EVERY FUCKING THING IN THE WORLD.

I need cash so I can pamper myself, laundrymat these dirty as fuck clothes, colonic myself along with the other treatments I’m reading I can pay for it to go along with, I want to start getting acupuncture again, LONG ass massage too.

I’m tired, time to sleep.