Twenty-six

I miss stripping outside of America, fucking figures as its not legal for me to do so. The whole game is just different there, its a hell of a lot sexier in foreign countries, even Montreal. American sexualization sucks. Being here just disappoints me, very nearly walked out of work yesterday, it was on my mind constantly for the first two full hours being there.

I’m conflicted about everything.

In much, much better news however, Angelica’s roommate won’t be there (this feels too good to be true but please gods lets just go with this) so I’ll have my own place for awhile. If I still don’t like this shit I’ll run off to France, or anywhere, but I keep thinking about France, PURELY because I miss dancing there. AND I DONT HAVE TO PAY TO WORK THERE, or tip anyone out, such fucking bullshit. So yeah, I pay on Wednesday, I get to move in on the 27th and I’ll have the place for the entirety of January. Thats a long enough time to give it a fair shot, Gods help me.

I did get four shifts this week, however I didn’t make much at all yesterday. I had to tip out fifty and walked away with just over a hundred, bullshitttttttt. Its run much different from the other one but the worst thing about it is the stage, its about four feet wide, the pole is right next to the wall so you can’t swing around so I feel like I’m boring everyone for three songs. Its not the case because the girls were super complimentary and a few clients told me I was the best but shit man, it doesn’t feel that way. I have hope for this place because of a conversation I had with a girl who said average day shifts I’ll walk away with 300–500 and that the shift was abnormally slow. Uhm so yeah, I’ll do my shifts, all day Tues, Thurs, Saturday, Sunday. If it doesn’t go as well as expected I can always return to PE, I still have one house pay free day. And I made more almost triple from what I made in Times Square, if I get desperate I’ll work both this week.

I’m feeling so disheartened by everything, AT LEAST THE APARTMENT WORKED OUT but dancing here won’t be very much fun, luckily I’m in the coolest fucking city but I’ll be working hard for my money, dancing in circles all dizzy and shit. Generally I got along with everyone at this club, there were maybe seven girls working and all friendly, two especially who I really liked.

Lolol the customers all think I’m lying when I tell them I’m from New York, EVERYONE says Eastern European, even the managers and girls asked me about it. They all say I sound like it too, fucking crackheads man, they get annoyed with me like ‘you don’t have to lie to me, you don’t sound like you’re from here’, I’m like YES I DO ASSHOLE. I wish man, I wish.

Corey from the bar is amazing, I just texted him about grabbing and he’s all ‘what do you want boo? where can you meet?’ AT LEAST THAT IS GOING WELL TOO.

Jason is going to be here Wednesday !!!!!

Interesting dream, I was angry and getting away from something, I remember driving very fast near a brick wall and being afraid of crashing, then I jumped into this giant bathtub that had petals of flowers in it.

This gorgeous girl at work, ‘Venus’ said she loved my skintone. She’s hispanic (I think) and I took it really nicely, no one has ever said shit about my skin tone. She said I had a nice ass too when she’s got the nicest ass I’ve ever seen on a chick. This one client said she had a boys ass lol but I like it.

I liked dancing in my dress, I can go anywhere in that getup, feels sexy pushing it down on my hips and dancing topless with the long flowy dress looking like a skirt.

I don’t want to leave this club, I keep thinking, I’M WORKING IN THE CENTER OF THE WORLD, OF COURSE I should make the most money here. Uhm so we’ll see, fingers, legs, bodies crossed. Most likely I’ll mix it up with another club, maybe Private Eyes, theres so many clients in there, if I just upped my confidence I should be golden. And its better to dance there, a million times overrrrr.

I’m not ready to leave, I’m glad I’ve got this apartment (almost completely) secured for January, will have to pay to be here for ten days..or somewhere else. I’m not sure if they’d let me stay longer, girlfriend seems a little too anal to like me. Fuck I’m having such issues with likability, living with someone feels like such torture, at least I can do whatever I want at Dads, here that is not the issue. I’m climbing three fucking stories to smoke WHEN I CAN GO OUTSIDE DIRECTLY FROM MY WINDOW…not good enough for Miss NeverLeavesHerRoom. fuck it alllllllll. The loner side has completely consumed me, other people are harddddddd work and I don’t want to get involved unless I have a stellar reason to. As of now, as opposed to living on the streets..its a good enough reason.

I didn’t eat after my colonic or at all through my shift. I didn’t drink anywater either, when I got home I had quinoa and avocado and now I’m trying to flush that shit outttttt and its killing my stomachhhhhhh. It’d be cake if I had water during the day.

I’m literally thinking about getting some coke to help me strip, I can’t be a fucking pussy, I should make a lotttttttttttttt and I really need to right now. Marley is such a doll, I’m paying 1350 for the apartment and he sent 1500 today. Fucking saint he is, fucking saint. All this will be easier when I’m settled in the apartment and wont’ have to worry about where I’m staying/paying for it. Or living on eggshells with other people.

Today I want to go on a long ass walk, I haven’t gone on a pure walk since I’ve been here without atleast one errand to do. I do have to pick up more water, and groceries. I won’t work at Private Eyes, I’ll take tonight off to make sure I’m in good spirits for tomorrow, hoping it will be much better, and will push myself to do more as well, and quicker!! I’ll pick up bud, I’ll smokeeeeeeee fuck yeah. He lives in Midtown so I’ll smoke, walk to his, hopefully smoke there, walk back. SOUNDS PERFECT haha I added two new songs, on my mind — ellie goulding, my perogative — britney spears, commander — kelly rowland. love that shit, lookin forward to it alreadyyyy, may buy some more shitttttttttt.

shattttttttt :) :) :) :)
yessssssss :D :D :D :D :D :D

its all foggy today, was thinking how wild it is that clouds (essentially dark air) can completely mask gigantic buildings that took millions and years to build. Stoner rooftop thoughts. I’m excited for today. Shit has been a million times worse when I used to live here, student loan calls, shut off electricity, no cash, friendships going bad, stealing food. I really have nothing to complain about. Its not as easy as I thought this would be, OKAY, NOTHING USUALLY IS, but I’m a hard worker and I can do everything I need to, skip off to Europe when I’m ready and be better than who I am now.