Twenty-three
Life is much better smoking out the bathroom window, the thing is so small that no smoke escapes back through (as my body is completely blocking every available spacehaha) and I do not miss the six flights up and down and the mad dash away from people as I smoke my spliff out on the street.
Things are looking up, I spent an extra night here. I like Beimeng and her boyfriend (its his birthday today, aw lol), they leave me the fuck alone generally, and if we do message (about the particulars of my leaving/staying an extra night) she’s unfailingly polite.
I am looking forward to leaving though, will be out of the apartment by four, heading down to the lower east side where I’ll stay in a three bedroom apartment with two roommates, a dude and a girl. I get roof access there :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D excited about that. As of now I’m booked for a full week, also tonight I’m going to view an apartment in the East Village that will be available on the TWENTY SEVENTH ❤ ❤ ❤ and if all goes well (fucking hope so, Laura dashed me dreams a little bit) I’ll have the entire place to myself for all of January!! EEEEEEK, its a two bedroom as well Want Pen/Stav and Pho to come and stay as well, would be nice to have them, maybe for the night before they leave for Germany.
So I’m looking forward to all of this, would not have had roof access at Laura’s and I’d be answering to a bitch with all things apartment, so yeah. Better things do come along if they’re meant to :) :) :) Jason is so cute, he was the first/only person I messaged about it falling through and immeditately he goes ‘find something better ;) ‘ yes Jason, you wise Aquarian you, I haveeeeeee. Excited to see that kid, really reallly excited
Did not want to go to work last night, left an hour early before usual to find a fucking outfit, couldn’t find a fucking thing and I was racing around, asking shopkeepers where I could find a stripper dress lol. Oh the looks. I found a single store that was selling what I needed, well no, it really wasn’t but it was the best I could find in an hour. The dress was hot as fuck, black bodycon with gold zippers on the waist, thought I looked great/thin in it but it was HELL to take the thing on and off, the least stripper friendly outfit I could have possibly bought (there was no dressing room in the store, OF COURSE), I could barely walk in it because the material was so restrictive, it was long, calf length. I knew I wouldn’t wear it again to strip but I thought I would wear it to a party or a night out or something…but then the entire bodice starting tearing apart so much so that the newly created holes almost looked like it was designed that way (it fit me fine, its just a shit dress, I wasn’t busting the seams or anything) not even an HOUR into my shift and it fucked with my mood. Gods I felt like the most awkward/ratchet stripper ever. Dress cost less than twenty, should have known, it was thrown in the garbage just before I left. I made three hundred again.
Do not think I’ll go to work tonight, I think my time would be better spent taking my time to move, grocery shopping as I have zero food supplies, get a proper stripper dress that I can try on, annnnnnnd hit up another bar so I can chat up the hot hipsters. Even head to another stripclub and see if I can work…tomorrow? Miracle of miracles Dwane FINALLY got back to me with a single fucking opening to work. Sunday’s day shift, either 12–8 or 2–10. I was stressing because I thought that was when Aurora was coming into the city for her birthday. I did tell him I’d take it because itd be stupidddd not to, and so I’ll start then, hopefully charm the fuck out of my superiors so they put me on regularly. And turns out Aurora’s coming in on Saturday, so perfect news :)
The girl who loaned me the dress, Heather, is beyond sweet, we talked a little bit more during last nights shift and I really like her. She doesn’t dress like a regular stripper either, her outfit is always hot and she’s really pretty. Very thin, bright blonde ear length hair. I had this dude bugging me last night, he was this young Indian british kid and ‘made the mistake of falling for a stripper’, I was nice to him until he tried to kiss me, I wouldn’t let him, then he called me ‘fake’. Bro I work with fake girls all the time, don’t you fucking call me fake you drunk piece of shit, you couldn’t be FURTHER from the fucking truth. Its a sore spot because I specifically try to be as honest as I can with the clients, I’m not there to empty their wallets (though that is nice when it happens) or take advantage, lets both have fun, or lets talk! ABOUT WHATEVER YOU WANT, just be fucking real about it, I hate small talk. Anyway he clearly hit a nerve but I wasn’t crying or anything, I was just annoyed and over hearing him talk. I specifically told him that if he wasn’t going to spend money on a lapdance, than there was no reason for us to have a conversation.
Anyway he sent a girl over to try and make amends, the girl was really sweet about it. I was almost like ‘why are you doing this?’, she wanted to make sure I was okay. I was fine! I just kept up and moving when the dude would sit next to me. Heather came over as well, put her arm around me and asked if I was alright, he sent her over as well! Shit man, I told her not to pay attention to anything he says, that I’m fineeeeeeee. I said she was ‘’too nice’’ and she went ‘I know, its my downfall’ shit girl, we should be friends. I KNOW THE FUCKING STRUGGLE, especially lately smfh.
You know girls kiss the men ALL THE TIME here in New York. My first night here I thought I was seeing things, or it was too dark or something. Yesterday I saw full on making out by several different girls, both in the main room and the champagne room. Grossssssss eugh. When that dude tried to kiss me (twice) I nearly slapped him. OH when I was leaving the club (in a baddddd mood, I didin’t even want to find a place to smoke, I just wanted to get the FUCK home) the fucking dude starts running after me all WAIT, WAIIIITTTTT Bellowed that I’d call the fucking cops if he said another word to me, and that was the end of him.
Ooooh and the cabbie let me smoke in his carrrrrrrrrrrr, good call buddy, ten extra dollars for you :* :* :* Shit that was so nice, legally they aren’t allowed to even let you smoke cigarettes in their taxi, much less marijuana but he had no qualms and I winked at the police cars we passed on the way :) happy days.
The most fun I’ve had at this club was last night when I had the stage to myself. Ironically one of the songs was Ariana Grande’s ‘Focus’ (focus on meeeeeee) and I had everyone in the club watching haha. Such an attention whore when it comes to stripping. I feel super overlooked sometimes in the club, I’d say eighty percent of the girls have tit implants, one girl even has a full on ass job (quite a good one actually) and they all have so many regulars. My first night I recognized a girl I worked with back when I hostessed there (almost five years ago holy shittttttt) so yeah, the girls and the clientele are apparently very loyal. Crazy to think of working in the same strip club for five years, or any job other than something you really love.
WHY DO I WANT SO MUCH OUT OF LIFE?! I dont’ want to complain, I don’t want to change but shit man, it feels like a burden. It feels weird to be writing about this, like I don’t want to take any weight off my shoulders in regards to goals for myself — but when I think about what it would be like if I genuinely didn’t have any dreams and just lived every day for what it was…The other day I thought about it and breathed a sigh of relief.
Crying.
I don’t want an easy life, but the headaches I’m getting now, worrying that my thyroid will stop working, not doing enough for my work, the feeling that I need to constantly be expanding my mind, creating, reading, writing, moving, doing SOMETHING to advance myself…yeah its harsh sometimes. It will all be worth it, I’ll get there and won’t be completely satisfied till I’m dead and my body/brain has expelled everything it needed to for this life. Thats okay. I want it all, I swear I’m not complaining.
I feel ostracized as fuck lately, I’m hoping its a sign of big things to come
No chance for work tonight, cannot believe its almost two. I’m out of phountain water, very thirsty, want coconut water but so harsh to moveeeeeee. Excited for tonight, going to take myself out.