Men of my life, part I of II.

Never ever had a serious relationship (yet).

I only have had multiple crushes (men are so attractive <3), fuckbois and stupid attempts of fuck-friends, oh and an attempt of first love.

Am I okay with it? Absolutely not. I want to experience love, but hey, they say that you have to kiss a lot of frogs until you find the prince. So, I’m trying to take the good of this experiences.

Here’s a list of the men (if you can call them like that) of my life and an attempt of brief story for each of them…

  1. Andrew.

We met on high school, he was junior and I was at my last year. We started talking and we just clicked. A month later he asked me to be his girlfriend, we almost made it through a whole month (yay! PATHETIC).

Why so little? Because I ruined everything trying to make our relationship too serious too fast, and because I let other people opinion’s matter. I can’t blame him for being okay with ending it, I was the one who put the idea on the table (via msn messenger) and he was completely cool about it, he said (and I did too) that we will remain as friends.

It didn’t happen. Up to this day we don’t talk, we haven’t seen each other randomly at the street either and he unfriended me at Facebook.

2. Dave.

This one is so bad in so many levels. He’s my best friend ex. How slutty of me to choose him after he was on a 5-year serious relationship with my bestie. I don’t know why, but I always have thought that I liked him and he did like me too, just not enough to made me his girlfriend back on high school.

We have never done something actually real; some boob/ass grabbing, cuddling and a few nudes. I’m not proud of this of course.

I put him on the list because it hurts a lot that all he wants to do is fuck me.

3. Hector.

This one story is bizarre. From this point to the present, most of my hook-ups have been this way.

We can think of Hector as “the guy” of my college years, because I met him while I was studying. We haven’t actually met in real life. As I said before, this story is not normal.

I actually met him when I assisted to a Smashing Pumpkins concert. I was blown away by having listen it to “Tonight, Tonight” live so I went on twitter to talk about it and I was curious to know if someone else felt the same way and cried (yeah, I cry at concerts). And I found him (or maybe it was the other way).

He posted something similar and we discussed on tweets about it, then he followed me and I did the same. Later he asked for my Facebook, gave it to him and we chatted but nothing too interesting.

One day, when I was already back in my hometown, he asked for my number. At the beginning our talks were so dull, but one day he introduced me to sexting and I liked it.

Our talks turned nastier and I decided that he will be the first guy I will send nudes to. He was pleased, very. Me? I just thought that it was better than having no action at all.

After that, we started to plan meeting each other when I traveled to his city. But I always put off and changed my mind. He felt dissapointed about it, however, we still had our talks every once in a while.

When I made my mind about it, I told him but he said that he was dating someone. I felt rejected and down, I started to appreciate him a lil bit too late.

One weekend, we coincided in a trip to Texas, he said that we should meet, I said “I’m not ready, I haven’t waxed up”, he didn’t answer. Of course, I mean, that’s a really stupid turn off answer.

We don’t talk anymore. Wished him a happy birthday a few days ago, all he answered was “thanks!!!”. Loud and clear.

4. Louis.

Hold on to your seats, be prepared for a long story. This dickhead has been the most intense and real thing I ever had. God, I love/hate to talk about him.

Our story began in one regular day of september, 2014. I was at my 7th semester at College and I had a class of Communication and Social Responsibility. The professor always brought media gurus or researchers, and one day he invited Louis.

I remember that day clearly. I arrived late and there he was, with a huge suitcase, all suit up, looking good actually, talking about US politics; it was an election year and he was mentioning Romney and Obama. The guy know his stuff and when the class ended he encouraged us to follow him on Twitter and I did.

Wheels kept turning and I never thought much of him and that day again. But a year or so later, saw him tweeting about Kate Mara’s family and I answered him, after that he followed me back.

Life happened, I graduated, got a job and everything was going so damn great, more than it ever did for me.

One day at my job, which implies being on social media, I was checking my Twitter and noticed he was tweeting some really good stuff and I liked his posts (faved, back on those days) and even retweeted some, genuinely because I really liked the topic.

Somehow, he noticed this and sent my a DM on a Saturday; it took me by surprise and even though it was a simple message, I was having a hard time on how to answer without fangirling too much.

Message was kinda like, “Hey, I see you are supporting what I’m posting. Thanks for it, I like it. What you do for living? Greetings”. And my answer was something like, “Hello! You’re welcome. It’s good stuff! I’m a Community Manager”; he replied and I told him why I followed him. He seemed to be surprised and then we started some small talk, a few weeks later he gave me his number and the story began…

He was older, way, way, older than moi. He was smart as hell, had his own company, charming (in a unusual way), perfect musical taste and he was into me. What else could a girl with daddy issues want in this world? Louis was really close to be the epitome of the man of my dreams.

It would be nice to state that almost everything happened as a long distance relationship, since he lives in other state. But it didn’t matter, we were so into each other.

He had the courtesy to ask me about my desires, my tastes; every morning he sent a text, in the night he called me to see how my day went; he always made time for me even with his super busy agenda. For God’s sake! he was the first man in my life to show real interest in getting to know me.

One good day, he asked me to go visit him, he offered to pay the airfare, lodging and all most everything. I don’t know how, but I conviced my mom (she was aware of the motive) and my boss (because I needed vacay days) and on a cloudy September day I began the journey of a promising weekend with, who I thought might turn into the love of my life.

Since I have written so much about him and I don’t want to make these text hella long, I’m just going to say that the trip was good but also so dissapointing. In real life our connection wasn’t that strong, he felt it, I did too, but I thought we could work it out. He didn’t.

He acted like an a-hole at the last day, he wasn’t being nice; it seemed like he just wanted me to go. When I confronted him (via text, lol), he just said that the point was “to have fun” and that we did it and that was it.

I gave so much of me to him; I gave the last 3 months of my time, put my life on risk to travel half country to meet and all I was to him was “fun”. Fuck.

I cried and cried for months, lost faith in myself, lost my dreams, gosh I even lost myself.

Now, after 19 months of this love tragedy, I’m starting to feel actually better. I don’t feel the urge to call him, or see his last connection, or the necessity to check what he’s been up to (have to admit that sometimes I still do it).

I start to think he was supposed to happen to me so I could see the parts of me ethat otherwise I’ve never known.

5. Mike.

While I tried to recover from my heartache in 2015, I met Mike. He works at the same company with me, he’s also years older than me and I think I found some remembrance of Louis and that’s why I liked him.

Like Louis, he cared of me and my life. He always wanted to help in every possible way and seemed like a nice guy until I found that he had a girlfriend and 3 kids.

He was a divorcée, his kids lived with his ex-wife and he was a in tormentous relationship with his evil minion girlfriend (sorry, had to).

Of course, I felt sorry for him. I wanted to make him happy and help him in every possible way I could. We started dating and sharing kisses and knowing glances at the office.

Everything seemed to go well, until he demanded me to share with him office related issues, and since I like to keep things where they supposed to stay, I never shared important matters with him, I’m a loyal person with my work.

We started getting problems about it. He said that if I really trusted him I should have let him know everything, including things from work. Besides this, he never actually left his girlfriend, and he dismissed almost every proposal I made to meet, with the excuse of “I already made plans with her”.

I felt angry and sad, I was “the other”.

I tried to made things up, it didn’t work and at the end I just tought that it was better that way. I didn’t deserve to be someone other’s second plate.

6) Mark.

Mark and I had been friends for the last 13 years. We find in each other’s life when we where at junior high.

I actually had a big big crush on him (the first one ever) and at first he didn’t know, because I helped him to get the girl she liked (who used to be my best friend in that era).

Then one fine day I let him know, he said that we were just friends and I cried and suffered for him through all junior and high school. However, we tried to stay close and to keep it cool between us.

Years passed and our friendship remained, it even got stronger. My crush faded away and we got to the point that we actually laugh and made jokes about it. It was so damn great.

But Mark was interested in me, in a sexual way of course (it seems that is always this way), since junior high and he always talked about how fascinated he was by the idea of having me.

Despite this constant indications of sexual interest, he respected my decision. Until last year, when I thought it was cool to turn into fuck buddies. I mean who better than him? My best friend from the last thirteen years, right?

Well I wish I didn’t thought that.

It happened one time and he hasn’t spoke to me ever since.

Apparently, his exgirlfriend, whom he was trying to recover, found about it and got all crazy and he thought that the best thing to do was just ghosting me.

I knew this thanks to my best friend, he told her and she had the kindness to let me know.

Even though I did not like him nor I was trying to have a relationship with him it hurt. He got what he wanted and that was enough, even if it meant to lose such a great friendship.

7. Abe.

Last but not least, there’s this little guy who’s the one that made me think I should write this post.

He’s such a regular guy and so far from the standards I usually look for and it didn’t matter to me, the fucker has a really nice musical taste and just has something that makes me want to know everything about him.

We attended high school together, but he’s a few years younger. Like most of my odd encounters with guys, we started getting along on Twitter.

I think he actually knew that I was vulnerable and needed attention, he fucking knew that I was going to fall for his tricks and I fucking did.

He began all innocent and sweet, making compliments on my looks, my strenghts and my maturity. Then, like almost any millenial boy, he asked for the nudes and I agreed. I thought he deserved them for being such a thoughtful guy and, honestly, because he made my ego grow.

And it kinda became an addiction, I needed his approval for my outfits and my looks, but I didn’t know at that moment. Sometimes he started the talk and other days I did.

When we ran into each other at parties or random places (happened one or 2 times), we acted all cool and that made me feel great, I didn’t have to work so much or put a big effort in our interaction.

Days, weeks and eventually a year passed and we stayed the same. He was the highlight of my bad days, as I said before, his compliments made me feel better about myself.

Recently, I thought that it might be cool to try something with him, he’s not the most handsome guy in the world (okay, he is not) but he has good feelings (thought he had) and an impecable music taste.

So when he asked me last week to meet, at not so decent hours in the early morning, I thought it was my chance.

We drove through the city streets, we listened some music, we talked about our days and I(this is embarrasing) let him explore my downtown and returned the favour.

We keep it so cool and that made me feel positive about it, I mean, I didn’t tell him I liked him but I was pretty sure that what I did would give him a hint about it.

On the upcoming days, we chatted and sexted. Then one night I needed his help and he said no. Once again, I felt sad and foolish.

It wasn’t the fact that he said no, but the context of what that answer implied. Yes, I know it was late, but I needed his help. I was super drunk and didn’t want to put my life on risk nor my friends safety. I thought that he cared about me, that he wanted me to stay safe. Apparently no, all he wanted was my body.

At this point, he hasn’t even asked me if I arrived safe and sound. He knows, of course, but he hasn’t had the decency to show some care.

Fuck him. It hurts, but any dude who thinks that he can use another person, specially a woman, to his own pleasures it’s not worth it.

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