We need to talk about sexting.
I’m one of those peeps that overanalyzes, a lot. I rationalize my acts, their reasons… I’m intense in my thoughts and beliefs. So it was not strange at all that a few days ago, in one of my late night sessions of reasoning trips, after I sexted, I began to deepen on the reasons on why I did such thing that night and the aftermath it might have and why I felt so incredibly empty in that moment.
Yes, I’ve sexted. Like many women of my age, like many of my generation. I’ve sent racy messages, sexy pictures, explicit pictures, videos… so? NO BIG DEAL, I don’t feel bad for doing itself, but I do think the reasons of why I’ve done are completely wrong.
I don’t think that practicing virtual sex(a term that I find comical) it’s bad or weird, neither that it should make people feel guilty for doing it. The bottom line is being careful with whom, how and why are you practicing it.
Sexting is fun, but (from my point of view) you have to know with whom to do it. Choose someone that makes you feel safe, someone that you know won’t try to impair you, or that might blackmail you. On the contrary, you want someone that you know will cherish those photos like a treasure (they are!).
Of course that sometimes you do it with strangers or with dudes (or gals) that you barely know, and (most of the times) that’s why you know they won’t try to damage you, sometimes they don’t even know your name or haven’t even meet you in real life.
Before you start a sexting session, I suggest to give a second thought about where are you taking the pictures that you send. I opt to not show my face; they usually see some of my lips or neck but NEVER my whole face. It is a precaution I take because I don’t happen to know where those pictures will end (we live in the internet of things era after all). I also try to not compromise myself by showing something that characterizes me, i.e. a mole or a necklace that acquaintances or family might recognize of my pyshic. Similarly, I choose a non-recognizable spot or I just send a close-up.
Finally, the main point of this whole text, it’s to think very well before sending any message or media. And no, I’m not talking about what you’re gonna say to turn him or her on or to think what possition works better to show your attributes. You actually have to think “Do I feel comfortable doing this with this person?” “Am I doing it because I actually want to?”.
There might be peeps that do it carelessly, I usually do it like that; but then I realized (as I am writing this) that most of the times that I’ve sexted I did it because I got carried away by my natural sexual instincts or by mere impulse, that later made me feel a kind of moral hangover.
Why I felt that way? Why I couldn’t just enjoy it? The answer: self-consciousness.
Just like a bunch of people in this crazy world, my self-esteem fluctuations are always up and down; there are days in where I feel perfect as I am or the days when I don’t feel that pretty and, of course, the ones I think “who the hell will like to be involved with me?”.
It’s just plain wrong, I know. I probably need some psychological help because this tends to happen more often than I would like to admit, but here I am, working at my own rhythm and by my own means to fix it.
The point is that I’ve talked with tons of strangers from Tinder, Twitter or even people I know in real life and I’m pretty sure that in 95% of the cases I only sexted to indulge them and because their answers or ways of admiring me made me feel good and think “wow! guys can actually like me”.
However, that feeling, that brief moment of self acceptance, faded away and made it addictive. Like a drug. But like any toxic substance it has its own adverse effects: it made me feel dirty, bad; I just thought on every consequence that the short moment of pleasure could bring to my life.
I even felt used, because reality was that those guys weren’t interested in me. I mean, yes, they liked my body or might wanted to be involved with me sexually, but that’s it. They didn’t wanted to know about my day, my dreams, the stuff that made me happy or what I like in sex; they just wanted my body an my answer to stimulate them and of course to boost their ego, but not to relate with me in other level different of sexual.
It got me, and still does in a way, why guys don’t want to be emotionally involved with me? Not necessarily in a stable relationship, or to fall in love and be happily ever after. I just want them to be gentle, despite of how dirty or agressive we are going to play; I want genuine interest, that just for a couple hours the only person they want to be it’s with me; I want to be the chosen one for that moment…
Am I wrong?
It’s that what casual sex it’s all about? Being used?
Am I too emotional?
I don’t know and I can’t avoid it. I feel what I feel.
In the course of my twenty-five years, specially last year, I’ve learned that it is okay to be who you are, feel what you feel and think as you think. I got tired of pretending to be okay with something or to act in other way in which I don’t feel comfortable at all.
So, why would I should let a man use me for his special needs? Fuck that! I ain’t an object to which they can turn whenever they feel like it.
There might be people that don’t care or even feels good about it, but not me! So, why should I let it to continue happening?
It’s mighty fine if you or some of your friends decides to do it because you like sexting, it’s alright if you do it to show your amazing body and want to be admired for it or because it gives you pleasure. The fact of wanting to feel desired for your body doesn’t makes you a better or worst person, it makes you human and it comes in your nature. But I decided to think twice before doing it.
Sexting it’s normal in our times, we don’t have to demonize it, on the opposite, we should thank that many young people (or not that juvenile) chooses to practice it instead of real sex, and that avoids STD’s to spread and non-planned pregnancy.
I know what you’re thinking, “real sex is so much better and amazing”, and it is of course, but some men and women don’t share that belief and it’s completely fine.
In any sexual practice we have to know WHY are we doing it; not for social pressure or from your friends, not because he or she asks it, even less if someone is threatening you.
Do it because YOU want, because you’re appealed to that human being, never ever because you just want to feel better about yourself, in the long run it won’t help and it won’t last, believe me.
I promise you, fellow strangers of the web, that I will please my sexual needs only when I decide. Never for pressure or to earn some minutes of self-esteem.