Finding Home

Control and anxiety are a downward spiral. I grew up very sensitive, so I was prone to anxiety. I coped by keeping my bedroom immaculate. The trinkets on my bookshelves and the pillows on my bed were always perfect. They had to be. I tried to control the people in my life, too, first by being meek and passively manipulative, then with blustery anger. Any relief I found with either animate or inanimate objects was momentary. Relief, then moment gone.

I got better as I got older. I naturally started letting things go. I even got to where I didn’t make up my bed at all. That was a turning point. But I never fully gave up control over my life. “Let go and let God” were pretty words, but words nonetheless. I did try to pray and then let go, but buried deep was the belief that had been bored into me since I was young, that if you want things in life, you have to make them happen. The world is random and chaotic, and it needs us to tame it, to shape it into what we want, and that included ourselves.

Only recently have I learned: Bullshit.

The turning points came within the past year. First, I wanted to start up an energy healing business. I got intuitive hits not to, but I willfully plowed ahead, simply because I was burned out on bad bosses but didn’t know what else to do with myself. I went ahead with my plans, but one day anxiety got the better of me. During my internal freak-out session, a presence came over me. I suddenly felt completely calm and peaceful, and the words “There is no wrong decision” came to me as real as someone talking to me. I couldn’t make a wrong choice. There was no mistake. The peace that I felt with that presence continued after I felt it slowly leave. It was going to be OK, no matter what I did. That was my first direct communication with what I believe to be God.

A few months later, after I realized my initial intuition had been right and the energy healing business was a side dish and in no way the main meal, I got a real job again at exactly the moment I needed it, I mean down to the week. I realized then that God is not only presence but reality, as well. He is life. And life saw me and knew what I needed and gave it to me in perfect timing.

Then the job stressed me out, as I knew it would, and I had to sit on a rock in the middle of nowhere and calm my panic. (Read about that one here.) For some reason, I didn’t focus on my usual coping mechanisms of analyzing life or directly trying to calm my mind. I was guided to simply relax my body, starting with my rock-hard neck and shoulders. Focusing solely on my body first calmed my emotions, then my mind, and then I started soaring. I not only felt better, I felt wonderful. I was so big and beautiful and expansive and light. I had found God Country in the easiest way.

After these experiences, I not only accept life, but I want to meet it. I’m no longer afraid. I want to see what God wants for me. I want to see what he creates for me. And more importantly, I want to respond to it with my own presence and learn from it and let it change me. Uncomfortable and even painful emotions are temporary because I know now how to transform them.

I await life. Let’s see what happens. God is my plot.