Fuck Bananas


Bananas are so delicious. Can you even think of a more delicious food? (I know you can. So can I. Bad rhetorical question.) They go great with peanut butter, in smoothies, and even in smoothies with peanut butter.

Bananas have so much potassium in them! What does potassium do? Hell if I know. I think perhaps it’s good to eat bananas to combat muscle cramps. That is either a thing I read once or a thing I just made up.

The thing about bananas, though, is this: from the time they ripen to the time they spoil is exactly 6 minutes. That is your ENTIRE, Goldilocks-approved window in which to eat all the god damned bananas that you bought because they are not too hard and not too soft they are just fucking right.

Can you eat bananas while they’re still green? Sure, I guess, if you’re some kind of masochist.

Can you eat bananas once they overripen and turn to mush? I suppose, if you don’t mind eating ACTUAL BABY FOOD. Mushy bananas is a thing they literally give to people who don’t even have teeth yet. If you’re old enough to read this post, you’re old enough to hold yourself to a higher standard. DO BETTER.

As a single lady who is officially speaking on behalf of all single people right now (you’re welcome), it’s a hard life out there trying to buy groceries for one. Have you ever cooked something that involved parsley or mint? You buy approximately 6000% of what you need for one damn meal and then the rest of it just sits in your fridge while you pretend you’re going to use it for something else.

Bananas are the same way. You buy a bunch of bananas — let’s say 8, because the grocery store hates you and can’t even bless you with 6, which would be more reasonable. You want to bring one to work the next day, but OH NO, you can’t, because they’re not ripe yet. So you wait another day. And maybe on that second day you know you’re getting a free meal at the office, so you don’t even bother. And on the third day, you go to eat a banana and they’re covered in the black plague spots and they fall apart just by looking at them. The window has opened and closed and you missed it.

It’s the real reason we all seek romantic relationships — so we have someone to help us eat our bananas during that precious, perfect period in which their texture is juuuuust right.

“But but!” you say. “You can use mushy bananas to make banana bread!”

Do you know the last time I made banana bread? 2007. It was ten years ago, and I decided I wanted to make some type of low-calorie banana bread that used Splenda instead of sugar. So instead of going to the store and spending $1.27 on some Splenda, I proceeded to steal approximately 600 Splenda packets from the coffee area at my office.

My company went bankrupt a year later, you should know. But my banana bread was on point.

So fuck those fickle jerks, with their delicious, peanut-butter-pairing ways and their ripeness that lasts no longer than the blink of an eye. I hate you. I waste so many of you. But really, I wish I could figure out your secrets.

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