How Your Relationship Dynamics Are Keeping You Secure Yet Stuck

Power dynamics in a relationship refer to the different ways partners behave to influence each other.

The above graphic shows all the factors that affect power dynamics within a relationship. These are our individual traits, past experiences and styles of conflict resolution that affect the dynamics within our relationships.

I used to believe that dynamics within a relationship had a lot to do with an individual’s personality, but now I can see that it has a lot to do with various other factors like our past traumas, ability to set boundaries, the social support we have and our financial/career status.

All of these factors affect how we feel within our romantic relationships. These factors affect how safe, secure and validated we feel within our relationships.

If the person we are dating has a strong sense of financial and career security, this can either make us feel secure and safe or it can trigger us to feel insecure and less worthy.

These dynamics reflect differently in each partnership and our dependent on each partners past traumas.

Power imbalances

As I realise that power dynamics within romantic relationships keep us safe and secure, I am also realising that they are also what is keeping us stuck.

Within our romantic relationships we endeavour to feel safe and secure and therefore we stay in certain relationships to ensure these feelings remain intact and within reach. Whether that is the validation we get from the other partner or the lack of insecurity present in the dynamic.

Now you may be confused…isn’t this what we want in relationships?

To feel safe and secure, validated and valued?

The answer is yes of course, but it necessary to explore how these dynamics although feel safe and secure, may also be keeping us stuck.

Maybe the relationship we are in allows us to feel secure in continuing to engage in bad habits. Maybe we feel safe to be the sub par version of ourselves.

Maybe you are the ‘driver’ in the relationship and your partner taking the back seat helps you feel secure in your ambition and hard work ethic. This relationship may not be allowing you to heal this version of yourself that finds validation in just being, rather than needing to constantly be achieving.

Maybe you dream of a version of yourself in which you can just be, rest and let go of feelings of resentment.

In the reverse, maybe you are somebody who feels more secure with a partner who is driving the relationship. This could be keeping you stuck in a place of complacency and reliance on your partner. These dynamics breed resentment and are ultimately unsustainable in the long term.

There is the possibility that this power dynamic is not serving either of you, but it’s worked thus far to keep you safe and secure and maybe that’s enough for you both.

If it isn’t, continue reading…

Feeling safe and secure

So how do these power imbalances make us feel safe and secure?

Well if we know our partner does not hold the authority within the relationship, this may tame our fear of abandonment. If you are with a partner who is constantly admiring your ambitious tendencies, your insecurities may be tested if you had a partner who was just as ambitious if not more so.

This is how these relationships can keep you stuck.

You cling to the comfort and security that this power dynamic brings you.

Your worthiness is never questioned in these relationships.

All your problems disappear in these relationships, your partner doesn’t challenge you to do things differently, because the relationship dynamic serves both the limited versions of yourselves.

We choose partners who make us feel safe in our own bullshit narrative so we can continue to repeat these silly little patterns that aren’t truly serving us.

This is what keeps us ‘safe’

Its when we meet another person who challenges our ways of being that healing really begins.

The truth

I have no doubt your relationship is beautiful and healthy and loving, but sometimes we are so stuck in our own ways in relationships, that we don’t even see the areas we need to improve.

We aren’t able to change or evolve into grown versions of ourselves because the habits and dynamics have become rock solid.

Now you can work to change these habits over time but you will most likely return to the same dynamic over and over, unless you have each individually changed.

Individual change can come from having relationships with other people or spending time alone to address your insecurities and character flaws.

I am yet to see a relationship where these habits and dynamics have broken. We are so comfortable in this type of love that it doesn’t require us to question ourselves.

Friendships can involve these dynamics too.

We find so much security in these relationships that we continue to be this version of ourselves within them.

So how do we resolve this?

I believe it requires spending time alone whilst also having relationships with others to continue to learn more about ourselves and our triggers. Engaging in other relationships trigger parts of ourselves that need healing.

If you reflect on the past few years and feel stuck in areas of your life, you may be repeating the same patterns over and over and finding it hard to evolve and change.

It may require looking at the types of relationships you are in. They may be serving the current version of you, but may not be relationships that are conducive to growth.

They may not be serving a version of you, you so desperately want to cultivate.

The future you.

The future you who wants to embody more masculine and/or feminine traits. The future you who wants to heal your relationship to others and yourself. Who wants to find comfort in your own validation, rather than gaining validation based on how you exist in relation to your partner.

Maybe the future you wants to have relationships that bring out other sides of you…maybe the more feminine side, where your friends/partner takes the wheel more, so you can sit back and find comfort in just ‘being’.

The future you wants to heal your issues so you can continue to grow into the best version of yourself.

And it can be done.

The first step is honesty, with yourself and your partner.

Thanks for reading, comment your thoughts down below.

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