Spellz n Magick

This morning I sent an email to the witch whose magic I bought on Etsy last week. There are probably (rough estimate) one million perfect things in this world and I would say that last sentence is one of them. It is both a sentence I never knew I needed in my life and a sentence that I feel like my whole life has been leading up to. I love very few things in this world so unabashedly as I do the Internet and things of the supernatural nature. Oh and also kitschy domestic spaces where people can sell their needlepoints of like celebrity vaginas. So let me repeat it: this morning I sent an email to the witch whose magic I bought on Etsy last week. So good. Wanna bake that sentence into a vegan cupcake.

I like to think of myself as like a supernatural enthusiast lite; diet crazy, if you will. I believe in ghosts, I believe in demons and I 100% believe in hauntings and will approach all buildings built before 2002 under the presumption that they are haunted. I don’t know why I believe in ghosts. I’m an otherwise a fairly rational person and I believe in evolution and think the massive global climate change is the result of people being the worst — so I have roughly 60% of the United States Congress beat in that department. I’m not super sure I believe in magic — definitely not of the Harry Potter kind, but like if someone blows some sage on me and I do better on a test then who am I to argue. I’m the kind of person who low-key takes astrology seriously (I’m a Cancer, fyi) — who’ll read horoscopes but won’t let them affect my day-to-day happenings, but will definitely say “that’s what my horoscope said” if my horoscope happens to be accurate.

I also love a good story. I once worked for four weeks at a fireworks factory and one of my friends was like “Emily, you know you worked there just so you could say you did.” And it was true, I do love telling people I worked at a fireworks factory and I love telling them that my name around the ol’ shop was “babyhands ballsniffer.” Life is a tapestry!

So last week when I was lying in bed preparing for the inevitable doom of the future and listening to a podcast (TL:DR — would recommend) where they discussed the idea of buying intangible objects (LIKE MAGIC) on the Internet and I was obviously on board. I hopped onto the global mind and did an Etsy search for the shop they mentioned in the podcast. I read some reviews (I’m a smart shopper) and was very easily convinced that this was something I wanted to invest some hard-earned dollars on (I’m also very susceptible to any kind of influence and I’m surprised I haven’t accidentally joined the Church of Scientology). I decided on the soulmate reading because it was cheap and it seemed like something that could be useful.

Sidebar: I know a soulmate reading is just tarot cards and not technically a spell but since a witch is performing it I think it counts as a spell. Really anything a witch does could be called magic and spells because it’s a witch doing it. If I was a witch I would tell people “this is where the magic happens” while gesturing to the world around me because as a witch magic is everywhere for me.

It cost me $15.11, which depending on who you ask is either a bargain or a way too much money; I’m in the camp that it’s a bargain but this is my first internet witch purchase so I have nothing to frame it with (Internet witch also sells Black Magick stuff for like $800 so I think I made a smart choice). Also this is money I’m certain would not have been spent on anything better. $15 for 15 “succinct predictions “ about my soulmate is objectively a good deal. That’s a dollar per prediction — that’s a Costco value (you should buy your psychic readings like you buy your toilet paper — in bulk). Likely this money would have been spent on cherry limemades or everything bagels (BOTH GOOD OPTIONS, BUT NOT EVERLASTING LIKE THE MAGIC OF A WITCH). And let me tell you: I immediately regretted it.

I didn’t regret it because I regret giving money to an Internet witch from Etsy. I trust that this woman is truly a trained witch and I am partially basing this on the fact that she lives in Wales. I can’t say for certain but I believe she lives on a craggy island whatever body of water is near Wales and wears a lot of shawls with fringes and capes from Francesca’s Collections. I regret it because I am an absolute wreck at any thought of my future romantic or otherwise, I overthink everything that happens and I put so much stock into things that probably don’t matter (DIET CRAZY). And one of the things you’re not supposed to do, as everyone knows, is let a psychic reading affect your life because then it will change your life trajectory! And I am DEFINITELY going to let it affect my life. But I paid for it and I have to accept it because I cannot waste this witch’s time because everyone knows that a witch’s revenge is the worst kind of revenge (see: many episodes of Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Beauty and the Beast, Practical Magic).

I get the reading tomorrow and here are the worst case scenarios I’ve decided upon:

1. She tells me that the tarot cards couldn’t read me and that I have dark magic inside of me and I will have to get an exorcism.

2. She tells me I don’t have a soulmate (this could be good but only if she follows up with ‘you are your own soulmate, purchase a caftan and begin to walk the beaches of the Hamptons and learn to love yourself’)

3. My soulmate was a civil war soldier and we will never meet because another witch exacted her revenge on us by separating our souls by time (this could also be the plot of the upcoming Rachel Weiss, Ghost Man, Real Love)

I mean, if anything, this is gonna make a great party story.

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