This is my story.
I was an introvert, I don’t like to talk to people, I have very low self esteem. I remembered my mother always used to tell me ‘why are you so ugly? Why did you inherited all the ugly features of the family? Why isn’t your voice sweet like other girls in school?’ All these words I could recall vividly. I grew up with many hurts and bitterness.
At the age of 13 I got to know a great friend called Jesus. I started to learn about God’s love for me. I learn that I am beautiful in God’s eyes. My life changed tremendously. I started to talk to people. I could serve in church, I could bless others with my gifts, I could bring my friends to know Jesus.
Age of 16 when I was in form 4 , I chose to go into science stream. I didn’t know why I chose science stream because I always wanted to be a lawyer or an accountant. But one day at a Christian conference I had a vision. I saw myself as a doctor, healing the sick in a mission field. I did not believed it. My grades weren’t excellent. I’m not smart. But I prayed. If it is God’s will , let it be done.
After my form 6 , I manage to apply for a medical faculty in Indonesia. Out of more than 300 people that sat for the entrance exams and interview , only 38 people were selected. I got accepted. My parents weren’t happy about it. My mom requested that I stay back in Malaysia. She was afraid that I would go psychotic studying medical school. She wanted me to just be a teacher. I was deeply hurt because I couldn’t get her support in this. But I went ahead with what God has promised me in that vision. I left to Indonesia alone.
Life was good at first. I trusted God. I got in contact with local church and started serving. But good days didn’t last long. I was constantly lonely. It lead me into relationships that brought me away from God. It feels like the person I love would never love me enough. It lead me into depression. Something that I didn’t even realize myself. Of course there were happy days when it was like honeymoon period. But for every relationship it never last long. At the back of my mind I didn’t think he loved me for who I am. But I accepted his love because I didn’t want to be alone.
I didn’t think I am beautiful. I didnt think I’m good enough to deserve a good man. So
Days passed by till I graduated and came back to Malaysia. I chose to work somewhere far from home because I don’t want to be with my family. I met a guy later on and started a good relationship. Thinking that it will bring us to marriage. One fine day in 2012 he proposed to me. I thought to myself, finally my dreams are coming true. I’m a naive person. I trusted him and gave him all my heart.
But sadly 2 months after his proposal, I saw messages on his phone with another girl. And it has been going on for months even before he proposed to me. I tried to forgive him, but in the end he chose to be with her. At that time I was staying alone. I refuse to go back to my family and friends because I didn’t want them to see me sad. I could cry everyday at home alone. The hurt , the betrayal was so painful to me that I couldn’t bear.
What was worst was I had to go to work. I have to carry on my noble job in helping people. Sometimes I would go to the emergency department ,work really hard and get myself busy. Because that is the place that reminds me that I’m still alive. I had to save the dying people.
But every time I reach home I cry. All the flash backs and memories just pierce deep into my heart. I thought I am a blessed child of God. I thought I’m suppose to have a happy family and a happy life. I was angry at God. Angry at whoever that tries to comfort me. I lived in my own pain. The depressive state lived with me. I got used to hurts and I used words to hurt others too.
One day a friend told me about His church , he told me that it’s a great church. He invited me to come and have a look. I remembered the first day I came to the church, I felt home. It was so weird because I couldn’t stop crying publicly. But that’s what I always do when I’m home alone, I cry. Just that this time I didn’t cry because I was lonely. But flashbacks of God’s goodness and faithfulness in my life. How I was depressed, lonely, hurt, bitter, the broken heart, it was all filled with God’s love. I had peace in my heart. I no longer hold on to love from the world or men, because I know I don’t have to worry anymore.
The peace that I found, wasn’t just words can describe. The tears was tears of joy. I no longer cry alone at night. I am able to smile and be with my family. I do not say hurtful words to people anymore.
Though I walked through valleys low, I fear no evil ; like the waters still my soul, my heart will trust in You Lord.
The person you see now, is a beautiful, joyful, loving, faithful daughter of God.
So dear friend, you are deeply loved by God too. There is no need for you to struggle alone. God is there waiting for you to come home. He knows your cry. He knows your every need. He sees each tears that fall. And He hears you when you call.
All glory be to Jesus.