I wrote this story in order to better understand how I got where I am today. It contains significant parts of my experience and decisions so far and I think they’re important to share.
Although some parts could be perceived as negative, I look back on everything in a very positive light. The two years up till the departure were incredibly exciting and the year after unbelievably wonderful.
The bright side
Let me start off with the most positive: my curiosity. I’ve always been a very curious person and am mostly interested in the inner workings of tech and peoples minds. I’ve spent countless hours on these topics, and yet there is so much more to learn.
But there is only so much you can see and do in one environment. Once in a while, you need to switch it up. Otherwise you’ll get stuck. This is what powered a lifelong dream of exploring the world. TV shows on networks like the Discovery Channel have inspired me a great deal, so I wanted to go see and experience as much as I could.
The problem I always faced, as many, was the means to pursue this dream.
Career switch
At the time of the decision to move, I had been working full-time as a web developer at an amazing company for about seven years.
After five or six years, when I had reached a high position and accumulated lots of knowledge in my field, I was playing with the thought of searching for a job elsewhere. Although I wanted to find a place with new challenges, I didn’t want to have a different type of job. And doing the same job but at another company made little sense, as I already like where I was. But I wanted to switch nonetheless. It all felt kind of strange and contradictory.
In those years I had attended some tech conferences, of which a few were held in England. I’ve met nice people working at inspiring companies there, and that sparked the thought of maybe going there and working for those companies too. I reckoned moving to England wouldn’t be too difficult, and since I had built up quite the years of experience, finding a job wouldn’t either.
But, it wouldn’t be a very big switch, just a change of scenery really. And I wanted something more significant.
Culture shock
In March 2017 I went on a backpacking trip to Asia. I visited Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam. As I had never traveled alone like this before, I thought it would be a good experience for me. I’ve seen beautiful places, met extraordinary people and found a sense of peace like never before.
During the trip I had loads of time to think about the past. One of my thoughts was about the regular arguments I had with my family. I always thought about how they didn’t know anything about the world, as they only had their Turkish culture and couldn’t look beyond that. And that I was more worldly, since I accepted the Dutch culture as well. I saw their inability to look beyond their own culture as one of their biggest flaws and one of my biggest virtues.
But after seeing Asian culture up close, I realised I didn’t know much about the world either. I only had two cultures to draw knowledge from, while there are so many more out there. Unless I would go to other countries, be amongst them for a long time to learn from their cultures, I would never know anything beyond my own, and end up just like my family; narrow minded.
Urged
Meanwhile all that was in the back of my mind, something else was taking up a large part of my daily life. As described in Pursuit of Happyness, I’ve had a rough start in life. My family has been a major contributor of that. For a long time I’d been trying to find ways to deal with them, to no avail.
That was, until a few years ago. I was focusing on actively removing toxic people from my life, and decided to remove almost all of them as well.
Harsh as that may seem for some, for me it meant liberation. No communication meant not having to deal with the massive negative impact they had on me on a daily basis. The only thing I had to deal with now, was to avoid them. Unfortunately, I lived and worked in the same city as most of them, so this proved to be a rather difficult task.
At first I stopped answering their phone calls and text messages. When they showed up at my house or work, I told them to leave me alone because I didn’t want to see them nor talk to them again. I blocked their numbers and social media accounts, but then received post. I felt harassed constantly, as they just wouldn’t leave me be.
And yet, it was better than keeping in touch with them. But by no means was it a long-term solution.
Decision
With the problems with my family becoming worse and dealing with other mental issues, I thought I could really use a getaway. Somewhere far away from everything, so I could calm down. That’s when I planned my trip to Asia.
Someday after starting planning, I realised that the thought of moving to a non-Western country had never crossed my mind. But for some reason it felt like a very good idea. It would be cheap enough to start working as a freelancer, learn about people and cultures and far enough from everything to stop getting reminded of my past. Somehow it became a real possibility. So I thought, I would go and see, and think about it when I came back.
But before I even returned, I had already made up my mind: I would move to Chiang Mai, Thailand.
It would only be for a short time though. As I wanted to experience the whole world, or see and learn as much as I could, I would need to live in different countries for several years before moving to the next. So I decided I would start in Thailand and after a few years see where to go from there.
And just like that, I started preparing for my new lifelong journey.
Unsafe
In the mean time things between me and my family had worsened. Most likely due to receiving the news of me leaving. They started showing more and more stalker-like behaviour. In the year and a half between my trip and my move, it escalated from just avoiding them to fearing seeing them.
I was on high alert, at all times. I started avoiding certain areas at certain times. I would take different routes than usual, definitely not take any they would, and try to stay out of town on their days off of work.
But then they would come to my apartment and ring the doorbell for over an hour, waiting for me to open the door. Or stand at the entrance of the supermarket I was at, so I would have to face them on my way out.
The last time, I was putting away my bike in the storage room of my building. Apparently they had waited for me to enter the building and went inside right after me without me noticing. When I walked back towards the stairs to my apartment, they stepped in front of me and demanded to talk. At that point I had to get the police involved, as I felt so unsafe in my own home.
The creepy smile and the ‘you can’t stop me’ look I saw still messes with my head sometimes.
Although I would have had to do it eventually, soon after the incident I sold my house and moved into a new place with a friend.
Since I had the ball rolling, I started selling or giving away everything I owned, quit my job to become a freelancer and set things up for after arrival.
And in the afternoon of the 4th of November, carrying only a large backpack,
I left for Thailand.
Discover
As written in Word of the Year, every year I chose a word that will be the central theme of that year. The word for 2018 was Courage. It helped me get through difficult moments during the time before my departure. I’ve had to rely on it many times, and so I am grateful for the strength it has given me.
The word for 2019 has been Discover. I chose it to help me remind me I’m here to discover as much as I can about the world and myself. In just a years time I’ve visited several adjacent countries, lots of Thai cities and seen incredible places. I have met beautiful people and learned a great deal from them.
I discovered so much about who I am, what I like and what makes me me. It has been such a wonderful experience. And to think that this is only the beginning, I can’t imagine what will follow.
Holiday
After eight months of happy living I went back for a two and a half weeks holiday to see my friends and tell them all about my new life and adventures.
What I noticed almost immediately though, was how I felt when I set foot in my old town. All the fear that had disappeared over the past months came rushing back and I found myself hiding as I did before. Once again, I was on a constant high alert.
I hadn’t realised just how much living abroad had changed me and was now reminded of the life I had before. Before I went back I was calm, free and very happy. Going back showed me the difference, in an overwhelming way. I was completely losing my mental stability and rapidly sinking into a dark place.
It took me several weeks after that holiday to get back to the stable mental state I was in before.
Moving on
Even though I had a lot of fun seeing my friends, I know for sure that going back there is not in my best interest. I have finally chosen for my own happiness and am now doing things I love every day. My life has improved dramatically, so I have little reason to mess with that.
Several people have asked me the question “when are you coming back?”. With everything that has happened and looking at my life here, my answer is and will hopefully remain “never”.
I’m not meant to go back. Only forward.
