The lonely battle!

we all fight our own battles that no one knows about.

boom! life hits you, knocking you down. stopping you from your goals, do you stop?or do you push? when do you give up? things I ask myself is this right? we judge others so quickly, but do we know what they are going through? we judge on what other say about that person. what I am about to tell you is what I’ve been though, but it’s though my eyes, my perspective. it’s the longest thing I have ever written, it’s my first time I written like this. It’s my battle, my lonely battle.

Just like that my mom dies, she left me four days before my birthday. she has joined my grandma and my grandpa who have been up there for quite some time. Two weeks later you get news that rips you, your family is selling the house you lived in for 20 years. meanwhile your mom’s cat dies, her dogs have to be surrendered because you have animals of your own, you get told your not healthy and you work to much, but you have to. you tell yourself you can do this, your friends still won’t talk to you, they have left you because of your actions. you have lost them and thats my fault, you make new ones but realize they are now stalkers and obessed with you, then boom again just like that you lose your only car due to someone crashing into you. I am thinking when will it stop? at this point I wanted to give up. I wanted to throw that towel in so hard.

I realized I was in the wrong, losing my friends! losing everything! I felt this was the end, why don’t I just end here. I have to say no one know what your really going through. we judge so much or we just take what the other person say about that person without really getting to know them. everyone is battling a battle, so why can’t we just be nice?

why am I writing this well, I screwed up and made a few mistakes I am never able to say how I feel, shouldn’t we see what both sides feel? I feel this where miscommunication happens sometimes. we all experience things we never want to experience in our life, we can’t avoid them we can learn from them.

you ever heard the saying friends come and go? I have heard plenty of times. people tell me let them go, your wasting your time, sweetin up butter cup and move on. what if I told you my friends changed me in such a way, that letting them go will hurt me more then it would hurt them. I don’t know how they feel, we can only assume. I ask myself what if they didnt care? are they good friends? why didn’t we talk about it. I know I am working on myself. I made new friends which in wasn’t so bad I thought at first but I was wrong. why can’t I let them go? they felt like family to me, I felt loved welcomed and alive. They were first ones I actually got to experience what fun was. I let them down.

The powerful apology

I wrote this to relief myself from holding it in It’s been almost a year since I really spoken to some of my friends. also I am wondering is my apology strong enough. here it goes! to all my friends or anyone. I know I messed up I know some of you think I lied, I know my behavior wasn’t good. I know I was toxic! I know I was super negative. I know I should have been more respectful and respected on space. I am sorry for anything I ever did. you all were there for me! you all are wonderful people I let down. please don’t give up on me I am trying hard,things take time. I should have let things take time. I know I didn’t care for myself. I should have been more specific instead of playing the guessing game. I didn’t lie to my friends, I may have been careless and too dramatic. losing all of you was like a branch getting cut off a tree, the tree is standing tall but hurting on the inside.
I am sorry!

the outcome

Here I am today pushing myself for the better me. Everything my friends had ever said to me came into click, the hugs, the advice, the inspiration, the good memories, I may not have them here fighting with me, but their positive energy before everything is giving me that boost. watching my mom die, made me realize this could be me. finally Here I am battling my health, I am more positive, I am more different. maybe one day I’ll get them back, for now I will rise for the better! Maybe I will get a second chance!

The Second chance

why I believe in second chances!

What if you were given a second chance at everything you’ve ever done in your life, would you take it? I would. Not because I screwed things up the first time (even though I did a couple of times) but because I truly believe in the power of second chances. I believe in second chances more than I believe in first chances.

Wouldn’t you want someone to give you a second chance ? Wouldn’t you want to rewind certain moments in your life and do things differently? Even though I have few regrets in my life, I’ve never regretted giving someone or something a second chance, I always ended up either learning something crucial from it, or gaining a dear friend. Sometimes things make more sense the second time around.

People change, you change and the universe changes, if we keep ourselves confined to first chances only, we will truly miss out on some of the most beautiful things in life.

To every friend I have ever lost along the way: I am sorry. I miss you. I hope the pain I caused, the grief I caused wasn’t permanent in any way. I hope the heartache I caused, like me, was temporary in your life. I want you to know that if I had a chance to do it over, I would take it in a heartbeat so you are still in my life. You had worth to me, you were valuable to me. Please don’t think that I did not value you, because if that were true, we would have never been friends at all.

The point Is I’ve lost some really good friends In my life, I would love them back in my life. I may have made a mistake here and there, but I am not a bad person. I am still dealing with losing my friends, it hurts me more they it probably hurt them.

It’s hard to think we would ever give second chances, especially when someone screws you over. What does it mean to really screw up? I’m pretty sure we have all been there and hated it. That being said, what does it mean to give a second chance? Sometimes it is easy and sometimes it’s really not. When someone we care about or love hurts us, we’re often too afraid to share ourselves or to trust again.

For all readers I wrote this because this Is how I felt, this is what going on, this is my story,. I didn’t want to go on social media for drama or the fact that you get more attack on there for anything you do.
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