Enough is Enough?

When is it time to stop trying? I am struggling with this right now and don’t know how much longer I can last or hold on to anything at all. He actually doesn’t even care what I do because he is so shut down and just wants time to “be happy” and is trying to figure out what his happiness is. Is that even a thing?!? I thought every relationship goes through good times and bad; we have to be together during good times and bad. This is not the promise I thought was going to last forever. What does “I don’t know” even mean?

How do I feel? Like I am responsible for his depression. Like I am a nasty person who should not find happiness and like I was the cause he is hurting so much…but how can that be? It takes two people to make or break a relationship, but why is he making it sound like I am the sole cause of destroying his happiness? Aren’t you supposed to be responsible for your own happiness and state of mind?

Apparently, for the past two years I destroyed him. I was the reason he was depressed. He felt like he was never good enough for me. I pressured him to go to the gym, to try yoga (because he was depressed), I pressured him to go out and meet my family & friends. He does not want to mingle with people and I did so that makes us different people and he can’t see how we can align in life. He couldn’t stand the fact that I had an opinion and spoke up in gatherings. He hated it were his exact words. Really? People always say I am sweet and very nice as a person…maybe I’m not? How can one person change what you think of yourself?? I don’t get it…everything hurts so much and I don’t think I can ever forget him. But I must because I am a mean person and the only way to help him is to let him go? Right?

What happened to love for life? Love is a commitment? Is it all a lie? I can’t help but feel like there is nothing called true love. It is all truly a lie :( and the sooner I wakeup from this harsh reality, the better for me. No attachments is the way to go.

For someone who loved me so much, he doesn’t even bother to ask if I am OK or if I need any help moving. Basically, I need to figure out my own thing. Oh and of course, if I need anything, I should ask and he will try to be there for me, but with constraints…only at a time convinient for him because he is busy and travels and so on. Great! Another reality check

One of my emails to him this week to which he basically responded: “I don’t know” :-/

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I felt like last night’s conversation went really well. I wanted to address some things that were brought up and I want you to understand and know that it is not healthy to hold on to those feelings. I understand various events have hurt you and various events have hurt me too, I have tried and held on to them for so long (like Thanksgiving and when you said “hope you have friends to hang out with” and not addressing it the proper way or when we were separating, the fact that you did not ask me to stay and said “ I don’t know do what makes you happy.”) and all it did was cause a bunch of negativity towards you when you did not really intend to do those things. You have to believe that those events ended up playing out that way due to whatever the circumstances were and because I am in the equation too…I am generally a worry wart and I think about every single problem/issue to make someone happy — with guests or at parties. It wasn’t fair for me to expect you to do the same thing. I understand that now and I am extremely sorry. If I am worried, I should deal with it with how I want to deal with it and I should use your energy to calm me down, which a lot of times you did, asking me not to stress out. I did pressure you to do a lot of things — like made a big stink about not dropping someone downstairs. Or the tooth paste event that you keep bringing up. I am not going to defend myself and justify why I did that because it wasn’t right, period. I understand that and take full responsibility. But please realize that I am generally OCD about these things and I made remarks that hurt you, but I had no idea to what extent. And when I say that, I really mean it. I had no idea something as silly as tooth paste incident or dropping someone downstairs caused so much damage to someone. I know you talked to your friends about it, but again, you saw it as a big issue and we had big fights over it. But I actually moved on from it thinking it was just a lame issue. We should’ve approached it differently — both of us and addressed the core issue. And I’m sorry for ignoring the signs. I should’ve paid more attention. I honestly thought you would brush these things and just attribute it to my OCD personality. So please don’t hold on to the hurt and damage due to these childish/ignorant comments made by me and I want you to get out of this feeling that you were/are the problem. You are not. I mean this from the bottom of my heart — I want you to know that you are an amazing man who was always there for me. Whenever I was stressed, you calmed me down. You took care of my expenses…yes, again because I am a worry wart, I raised a lot of issues about that too. But again, I never thought all those comments made would damage someone so badly, to the extent you are going through. All I can do is apologize and show you how much you mean to me now. You always took care of me…during good times and bad. You held my hand in times when I struggled to cope with work, life, and us. I have emails from you where you would try to calm me down and say: my kumquat…you did that so that I would smile during my stressful days and thank you for that. So please please please understand that you are my rock and my pillar of strength. You MUST get back to a happy state and I want to help you through that.

One more thing…I am not ashamed of you being ADHD. So please don’t ever say that. In the beginning, I will accept that I was…when you very first said that to me that you were ADHD and that is only because I had no idea what it was. No clue and no knowledge of it I only educated myself and later, I did tell you that it’s not an issue at all, but don’t tell my friends because I did not want people talking about you to protect you and I know you did not take that well, but I was again being the OCD that I was being and had to worry about everybody else and what people have to say…I know you said you didn’t care…after that I brushed it off, but you held on to the hurt and assumed I was ashamed of you when that was not the case at all. But again, you have to understand that is me…I can’t make everybody happy and I need to learn that. But I thought you would see that and brush it off…but instead you got hurt deeply. Once again, I ignored what it had done to you. I did not see the signs that it was something so major. I am extremely sorry. I can’t erase all that has been said and done, but I can only say that I am extremely sorry and that I wished I could make your pain go away. I am finally at a state where I realize a lot of things and I know that our love and commitment for each other can help us have a healthy and happy life. We start fresh and we start new…blank slate. But we need to allow that and allow our hearts to be open and “move forward” like you have always pushed me, but I was blocked at that time. All couples go through bad times in their life and some don’t get a chance to be with their true love, but what a boon it is to get a second chance…this is actually our true second chance and not the other fights because we both are on the same plain now in terms of thinking and what went wrong with the relationship.

Lastly, you MUST know that you mean the world to me. I am hurting just like you are and I am dealing with anxiety issues just like you are dealing with your issues. I want to help you through your issues and I ask you to be there for me. There is no need to be cold and distant towards each other. I understand you “can’t respond to everything.” and “not available.” but it comes across very cold and forceful distancing from me. Why? All I ask is to help me put my mind to ease…it is a genuine request. I have other things to do and things to keep me busy, but at the end of the day you are the love of my life and I can’t let go. I am here, realizing my mistakes and want to help you through this all, just like you can help me. Let’s strip our egos and hurt be good human beings first. At the end of the day, after spending all that time together and caring for each other, the basic feeling of care and wishing well for the other does not evaporate. I know you care. So please show it and it is ok…I yearn for it and I am here to support and help you through whatever you need in getting you back to a state of happiness.

Life is too short and we can do so much together as a team. Don’t lose the love we had. We truly are and will be great together. Anything in the world can be solved through effective communication and I know we can do that. I am looking forward to a great relationship with you, with lots of love and amazing sex life too! ( I miss it and need it only from you and I want to be adventurous and try new things only with you). I know we love each other immensely. I want to give you the space you need, but I also want my man back eventually.

I don’t want to beg for your attention constantly during anxiety attacks…I hate doing that, but my chest hurts so much that I have no choice but reach out for help. It makes me sad when you are being distant and I wonder if you think about me or not because there is a real effort of pushing me away (unlike how it was done before) and it could just be that you are “prioritizing yourself” and not being available for me, but that just comes across to me as: he is not there when I am truly hurting and I don’t know how to reach out to him to say this is real…texts are not effective because you said you don’t know when it is really bad and I haven’t used text in the most effective way in the past either. But now when I really need you, I don’t know the best form of actually saying I need some attention now please….and all that causes anxiety attacks.Not asking you to be there every single second…but it is just the feeling of: this man loved me and how can the care/support just evaporate in a jiffy…and all that causes the anxiety. I am there for me and perfectly fine on my own…that is not the issue…These anxiety attacks are due to losing my love.

I poured my heart out. I don’t even know if you want to see me because you haven’t brought it up and I am afraid to ask…but I don’t want to beg you for attention anymore except when I have an anxiety attack because that is when I am truly the weakest and in so much pain. Don’t give up on us…you always fought for us and now, I am…be there for me. I’m here for you.

Please believe in our love…it is unlike others and so nobody will understand it. I know you are asking your friends for advice and mine are advising me as well. But it’s not like their relationships are golden either…every relationship has its own story. Maybe this had to happen to us so that our real relationship starts! This is our story. Believe my words and how genuine they are.

I love you

Your kumquat