Toilet Paper {Contemplation/Homage}

It’s a beautiful thing.

Have you ever run out of toilet paper?

I mean like RIGHT WHEN YOU NEED IT?

Don’t you agree that (sadly), that’s often the only time you really appreciate something — when you no longer have it BUT you realize how you much it’s needed. How important and essential it is. Like breathing.

You get what I’m saying.
What do you replace toilet paper with when your planning and decision making has left you bereft? Kleenex? Paper towels? An old shirt? There is really nothing that will do the job as satisfactorily. Trust me.

This is what my life has come to…the mindful realization that a fat fresh roll of pure white double-ply can actually bring joy.

Do you have any idea how dejected one might feel to even think about something like this?

At the bottom. Shockingly despondent. Suffering from melancholia or the dark night of the soul. That’s how low.

Scraping-the-bottom-of-the-barrel low.

But enough of that.

I understand this is the epitome of a first world problem but I’m doing a bunch of neural plasticity to retrain and rectify decades of negative thought patterns. The practice of gratitude is high on the list of tools that bring about positive change.

I am grateful for one of life’s necessities that I’m sure 90% of the world takes for granted and how lucky we should be to have 450,000 different varieties and textures of this stuff, and how we presume and are assured of its eternal, perdurable appearance like the sun’s rise every morning.

Personally, I use toilet paper (or toilet tissue, as some say) for a lot of reasons other than its main function. I use it to clean if I’m too lazy to get a cloth or paper towel, to blow my nose, as a napkin, to take off makeup, and as a substitute for cotton balls to remove nail polish. Oh, and for drying tears. It’s not dignified or graceful like a lace edged handkerchief ‘cos the paper fibers leave all sorts of shreds of telltale tattered white bits dripping down one’s cheeks; nonetheless, it works.

What engendered this thinking about toilet paper?

A few days ago I had food poisoning, and as you might imagine, I needed A LOT of toilet paper. I was down to the LAST ROLL and too sick to go to the store so I had to ration each and every perforated sheet like it was GOLD.

While I was moaning and vomiting and other things, I had time to contemplate the dependability and reliability of toilet paper in our daily lives.

There’s no point in weighing in on the over/under debate. There is no ambiguity. Over. Never under. ‘Nuff said.

(mouseprint.org via Google Images)

The TP mathematical equations involved in the absurd calculations that determine how six rolls become twelve or twelve equals twenty-four OR fifty-four—it’s way too much for my brain.

But I want to know who thought up that genius marketing strategy. Kudos and a tip of my hat to you, my friend.

Like how effing stressful it is when you know you’re getting to the end of the roll — it’s that constant numbers game to figure out how many sheets can be rationed for each specific use, the decision to break out a new roll or use every last sheet, even the fragments that are glued to the cardboard, and the opulent feeling of having that next roll in reach, ready at a moment’s notice.

What if we no longer had access to toilet paper? We need to be prepared.

According to the Urban Dictionary, acartohygieiophobia is the morbid fear of running out of toilet paper. From the Greek; literally “absence of paper for hygiene purposes, fear of.”

I did a bit of research and found a recipe just in case. I mean, you never know, right? (In fact, this is making me very anxious and I might have to commence stockpiling it to be prepared for doomsday.)

Here’s a link about how to make your own toilet paper.
https://www.ehow.com/how_4514690_make-toilet-paper.html

A few interesting toilet paper facts:

Americans use an average of 8.6 sheets of toilet paper per trip to the bathroom.

The average roll has 333 sheets.

In 1973 Johnny Carson caused a toilet paper shortage. He said as a joke that there was a shortage, which there wasn’t, until everyone believed him and ran out to buy up the supply. It took three weeks for some stores to get more stock.

In 1996, President Clinton passed a “Toilet Paper Tax” of six cents per roll, which is still in effect today

The most expensive toilet paper in the world is from Portuguese brand Renova. Renova is three-ply, perfumed, costs $3.00 per roll and comes in several colors including black, red, blue and green.

FYI Beyoncé uses red Renova toilet paper.

(https://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicaprobus/36-weird-things-you-never-knew-about-toilet-paper?utm_term=.ulLEY4M1b#.sbbXrlmLZ)

I’m exceedingly grateful for unlimited toilet paper.

Enchanted Seashells by Princess Rosebud

Written by

Beguiling pearls of wit, wisdom, & whimsy. Vegan, animal activist. When I’m not crying myself to sleep, I shop for the perfect shoe, drink wine, & eat popcorn.

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