My mind is always playing a cruel game of stuck in the mud
Today I got so angry I punched my boxing bag repeatedly before ugly crying on the floor.
I was so overwhelmingly angry because my parents had gone for a walk and I hadn’t been able to decide if I wanted to go with them. That was it.
Before that, I had been watching TV calmly. So why did I suddenly lose it and need to use my coping mechanism of punching the boxing bag? Well, at first, I had no idea. All I could think of was how infuriatingly angry I was and then how much of a screw up I was, how my parents were probably complaining about me on their walk and how I should be out there exercising instead of crying on the floor.
Then, I started talking to myself, which I do all the time but I especially do it when I’m upset. I talk like I’m venting to someone else but it’s just my way of processing what I’m feeling so I can then get over it, or what happens often is I get caught in a loop and can’t stop talking about it. But it’s my way of beginning to deal with something and I don’t do it consciously.
When I was talking to myself I started complaining about barely having done anything all day.
It’s true, today like many days, especially at the moment, I hadn’t done very much. I had breakfast, played games, forgot to have lunch, watched TV, had dinner… And you’re caught up. I had stayed sat on the sofa for most of the day. And like most people, but especially like other people with ADHD or mental health problems, this kind of stagnant day REALLY doesn’t work for me.
It’s not relaxing, at all. I’m sat there SUPER restless, agitated that I’m not doing something more interesting or any of the many things that I need to do. I’m scrolling my phone while watching the same old thing on TV but I can’t stop. I want to brush my teeth, do a workout, go outside, even just go to the toilet. But I won’t. I can’t. It’s like an invisible force is making me stick to the sofa. I’m hating myself for not “just doing something”. And because of this same paralysis, I hadn’t planned anything for today. My mum makes me feel worse when she reminds me she’s asked me to unload the dishwasher ten times already.
So, when it came to after dinner and my parents said they were going for a walk and asked if I wanted to come. I froze again. I got up and walked over to my shoes, but I still couldn’t make up my mind. I wanted to go but I also “didn’t feel like it”.
My mind is always playing a cruel game of stuck in the mud.
I want to do something but it’s not quite interesting enough, therefore the solution is- I don’t get to do anything. Cruel. And yet, people who don’t experience this feeling every day, don’t tend to get it. My mum tells me I’m being lazy and that if I wanted to I would just do stuff. But I know that’s not true, I want to do lots of stuff! But even when it comes to fun stuff, my brain will often just say no.
I’m 24 years old and having regular angry outbursts over small things like not getting to go for a walk. I always joke I’m like a puppy in that way. I need daily walks and exercise or I’ll get cranky. But the reality is, I don’t just get cranky, I get really upset, and the day in, day out struggle of ADHD really starts getting to me, especially if I have lots of days like today.
My ADHD mind that can travel a billion miles a minute also apparently likes to take all the time in the world to do anything. Which leaves me feeling very frustrated over the tiniest things.
Anyone saying ADHD is just attention seeking, fake, easy to live with or just a way to get drugs… Definitely has NO idea what ADHD is actually like and to be honest, owes every ADHDer like a ton of money in compensation. Or they owe us puppies. I’ll take both.
You want to know what got me out of that spiral and finally writing my first medium article? I got distracted by my friend on Instagram talking about cutting her hair. The short conversation gave me a big enough dopamine hit that made me feel better and then I had caffeine which as most of us know is the universe’s greatest gift to mankind. And BOOM I wrote this. All in about 10 minutes, so apologies if it’s unpolished, although I should warn you, none of my writing will ever be polished. I refuse.
I hope this has given an insight into what ADHD’s “emotional dysregulation” is like. And what combined type ADHD can be like for a 24 year old woman. But it should go without saying, my experience won’t be universal!