Ultimate Response to Flat-Earthers (humor)

Chthonic.catharsis
Jul 25, 2017 · 3 min read

You know what Flat-Earthers, I am going to come clean with you, I work in the aviation industry and I am a member of the dreaded BAVARIAN ILLUMINATI. [insert evil laughter here] In fact everyone in the aviation industry and almost every sailor on Earth — we cannot have the US Navy accidentally sailing off the edge of the planet after all — they are all members of the Illuminati too! And all the world’s cartographers, meteorologists, anyone who programs GPS systems, astronomers, radar operators, hot air balloonists, and obviously everyone in NASA and every other space agency — hell, easily TENS OF MILLIONS of people are in on the conspiracy and we are all sworn members of the Illuminati. But the best part is that we have kept up this immense and elaborate conspiracy to keep the secret that the the ‘Earth is flat’ for centuries just because it is hilarious! There is no good reason to keep it secret, no financial benefit, in fact it costs quite literally TRILLIONS of dollars a year to keep it secret, but it is totally worth it because it is so funny! You are totally right, the Earth is flat, and we the Illuminati did it all for the LULZ. /sarcasm


Although it beggars belief, I actually encountered via Failbook, some acquaintances of a friend who really believe the Earth is flat. At first I thought they were trolling, but alas no, they really believe this BS.

So yeah, Flat-Earthers I am calling you out. Every one of you. If you want to claim that there is a fire-breathing unicorn in the room, show some evidence. If you really think there is some kind of ‘spherical conspiracy’ and want to prove the Earth is flat? Simple. Get a tank of helium, send up some weather balloons, and take pictures. If the Earth is flat and your balloon is at the identical altitude as other photos that show obvious curvature but the aforementioned curvature does not show up for your experiment, then you will have ‘uncovered’ your vast conspiracy. No excuses. If clowns can fill up party balloons with it, you Flat Earth clowns can use helium too. Replicate this balloon-flight or this one, the latter performed by a teenager with a budget of €200 (≈$230,) and show that the curvature of the Earth is not visible when you do the same thing with a camera of your choice. You talk the talk, so walk the walk.

No mincing words here, you Flat-Earthers are claiming that roughly half-a-million aviation industry personnel in the US alone, including myself, are all criminals and conspirators, never mind all the other industries I mentioned. There is not any other way this ‘astonishing revelation’ could be kept secret. So, get some photographic evidence and PROVE IT.

And I am sorry, but if the situation was flipped, and I really believed the Earth was flat. I would do a weather balloon flight to confirm, and then beg, borrow, or steal a ship or aircraft to travel out to the ‘edge of the world’ and get some really incredible video to release. Someone who 'proved' the Earth was flat would go down in history and be remembered for thousands of years. Just imagine the fame! You would be overturning over two-thousand-years of science and cartography! Newtonian physics, relativity, and astronomy would quite literally have to be tossed out and rewritten. Tens of thousands of people (minimum!) would be jailed for conspiracy. You would be an epic hero, and there would not be a single person on the Earth who did not know your name if you proved the Earth was flat. So, with that kind of reward, why the hesitation?!

So here is my final challenge Flat-Earthers: Film and photograph the supposed "edge" of this flat planet you believe in — or STFU.

Twitter: @barrows_rite


— Enjoy my writing? Be sure to hammer the CLAP button like you’re playing Joust in an 80s arcade! —

Chthonic.catharsis

Written by

Eric Barrows : pseudonym for a cluster of sentient, self-replicating crystals orbiting the extrasolar planet Dagon (Fomalhaut b). Twitter: @barrows_rite

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