How to be kind and respectful in any language
It was while working for greenhouse growers from Holland that I got my first taste of international business. Even that little taste was enough to whet my appetite, which is why I soon accepted a job as a sales manager at Diamond, an American co-op turned IPO that sold nut products to clients in 30 countries.
Most of the world’s walnuts are grown Diamond territory: northern California. And as I soon learned, regardless of nationality, race, or creed, pretty much everybody uses walnuts. Our clients were based out of South Korea, Spain, Sweden, Turkey, Japan, and Brazil — just to name a few.
I was partnered with a British veteran of the industry named Frank, who was as at once incredibly British and incredibly American. His accent was English, but he’d lived in the US for decades. He owned a motor home and loved to hit the open road to explore America. He wore sharp glasses and extravagant clothes — French collars, colorfully tailored shirts, and expensive cufflinks — and though he had a working-class background, his worldliness could make you think he was educated at the most elite prep school.
From the beginning, he was incredibly friendly and approachable. But I soon noticed that we had different ideas about how to sell to international buyers.
My feeling was that we had what they wanted: the highest quality walnuts, at the best price, with the largest market share in the world. Why did we need to learn their business culture? They were coming to the US to buy from us — they should learn our business culture.
Frank patiently explained that it wasn’t quite like that.
***
“It’s not just about respect,” Frank said as we sat down in the conference room.
We were to meet with a Japanese buyer that day. I noticed that the Japanese flag had been moved from the stable of UN-style flags we kept at the ready and prominently displayed on the conference table next to the American flag.
Frank continued: “The relationship capital you’ll gain by knowing and honoring what’s custom for your clients will be ten-fold.”
While most Americans know from the movies that Japanese business culture is formal and that it is often custom to bow in greeting, Frank explained that there is second formal element that is equally crucial: business cards.
“You have to honor their business cards as sacred.”
After lining up and exchanging bows, each member of the Japanese delegation will present their card to you in the tips of both index fingers. You accept the card as you would something delicate and valuable. You then place the business cards on the table next to your papers, in order of seniority, so that the most senior member of the Japanese company has their card on top.
As we waited for our clients to arrive, Frank told me about a former employee at our company who had once picked his teeth with a Japanese client’s business card during a meeting.
“Imagine what they’re thinking when they see that,” Frank said. “Imagine what that says, when the business card is so symbolic to them.”
I assured him that I wouldn’t pick my teeth with a Japanese, or any other, business card.
The meeting went well, as did most meetings in which Frank was involved. But what stuck with me from that meeting and the countless others that Frank guided me through wasn’t so much the Japanese customs or any of the other specific national customs I learned. Though I definitely remember Frank’s explanation of Spanish lunches:
“When the Spanish are coming, clear at least two hours for lunch. If it’s less than two hours, they’ll be offended. And there has to be wine — lots of wine.” He paused for emphasis. “But DON’T drink more than one glass of wine.”
“Is that their custom?” I said.
“No,” Frank said. “Not getting drunk at lunch is our custom.”
My big takeaway from Frank’s teaching was that empathy costs nothing. It wasn’t just that Frank knew how to arrange Japanese business cards — it was that he took the time to imagine how it felt to see a business partner picking his teeth with an object that you held sacred.
A niche in my career that I was just beginning to discover at Diamond is the ability to bridge gaps between different groups. I have a knack for getting to know individuals and helping them do their job better. I was just starting to recognize that what I truly excel at isn’t just data, but how data relates to people. Using data to drive action is what I do now, and what Frank taught me about empathy was crucial to my current success: it’s very hard to transform ideas into action without having empathy for how those ideas will affect the people involved.
***
While I didn’t know it at the time, the most influential part of my job at Diamonds would be working with a relatively small portion of our customer base: Swedes.
My then-girlfriend/now-wife, Denise, was born in Sweden and before my first meeting with our Swedish buyers, she taught me a few phrases and offered some pointers. Frank had also lived in Sweden in the 1970s and spoke Swedish, so we were extra well prepared for our meetings with the Scandinavians.
The Swedish buyers were excellent at English, polite, even-tempered, and good conversationalists. There’s a reason that there’s no Swedish equivalent for the personal adjective “loud” — our meetings were always conducted at a respectful volume and tone.
But we soon ran into a problem when our Swedish customers wanted to continue with a fancy packaging for a snack nut, which, given the margin, was becoming more expensive than it was worth.
During an internal meeting, Frank had relayed this request to the higher-ups, one of whom had said it wasn’t in our interest to keep making the product with the fancy packaging anymore.
Frank said: “These people have been our customers for over 25 years. Even if it’s not immediately profitable, it’s an important market for us to keep in terms of diversification.”
The higher-up looked at Frank and said: “Fuck them!”
“I’ll figure out a way to translate that into Swedish,” Frank said.
Literally speaking, Frank was wrong. You can’t translate “Fuck them!” into Swedish, because the sing-songy soft language has limited and unsatisfying profanity, which, if directly translated, doesn’t pack the same punch. Directly translating “Fuck them!” into Swedish would give you something like: “Fornicate you guys!”
But Frank’s point was that he could take the disrespect of the executive, who thought that because we were big and the Swedish customers were small that we didn’t have to care about their feelings, and turn it into respectful communication.
***
You will not always be able to give your customers what they want. This is especially true in international business, where the wants and demands of customers on different continents can be so diverse that it makes fulfilling them nearly impossible. But showing respect costs nothing. Taking time to at least try to understand the customs and procedures of an international partner, especially when it’s about something as inconsequential as seating arrangements or restaurant choice, has no downside, and will show, if nothing else, that you value the client.
As a young man, I had thought of the power dynamics of negotiations as a show of force. Leaning back in your chair, taking long pauses, showing your opponent that he needed you more than you needed him — this was how you got your way.
But Frank showed me that empathy and respect are not signs of weakness — they are signs of strength.
And translating things into Swedish, both literally and metaphorically, would be crucial in the next step of my business life, when Denise and I packed up to move to Sweden, where we would live for six years. In Sweden, I would face cultural challenges that made everything up to that point feel like a Spanish lunch.
But that’s a topic for next time.
