Feelings of Betrayal

Have you ever felt so betrayed, so hurt that you can feel it in every bone in your body? Confusion and anger and self-pity start to consume you. The one person that you loved so much, blind-sided you. Out of nowhere, they decide that they no longer love you. They no longer want to be apart of your life. They decided that they would be better off without you. You spent the past two years of your life with this person. You guys did everything together down to the very second that he texted you that it was over. Now you have to learn to live without the one person you thought you would spend forever with. They are gone. They are moving on, but you feel like you are stuck. Stuck in this never ending cycle of self-pity and depression. You keep trying to claw your way out of this black hole. You want to get better. You don’t want to feel so empty all of the time. As soon as you see the light, you feel the darkness cover it and swallow you whole. You just can’t seem to get out. You start having dreams about him every night. Every time you close your eyes, his face is right there staring right back at you. You want nothing more than to hear his voice one last time. To kiss his lips and feel his embrace. The temptation of picking up your phone to text him or call him is growing stronger with every passing day. It doesn’t matter that you deleted his number because you have it memorized. It is forever burned into your memory along with every day you spent together for the past two years. Then you find out he was unhappy with being with you for a whole year. So was it all a lie? Did he even love you? All that time spent together, all the “ I love you”, all the kisses, were they all fake? Just one big, drawn out lie? How could anyone do that to another human being? So now, you are starting to doubt yourself as a person. Were you not good enough? Did you do something wrong? Was it because of that argument from the other day? This must be all your fault, right? As you start questioning yourself, you feel that darkness getting heavier. The weight of it bearing down on your fragile soul. You are not sure how much longer you can hold on. The idea of just letting this darkness consume you is becoming more and more pleasing. It would be so much easier to just let yourself go. To forever be lost. To lose the hurt. To feel no more pain. Yet, you are still holding onto some hope that he will come back. You know he won’t. You know he doesn’t want you. Deep down, you know it is never going to happen. Yet you are still holding onto it. Hoping he will come back and save you. That he will apologize and everything will be fine again. Well, no one can save you but yourself. That darkness can only be seen by you. No one knows you are drowning in it because you are too scared to admit it. You are too scared to ask for help because you don’t want anyone to know that he caused you this much pain and damaged you. You used to be full of so much light and happiness. You used to be adventurous and spontaneous way before he came into your life. You want so badly to be that girl again, but when he left you, he took all of that with him. Now you are just this hopeless, empty shell of a person going through the motions of everyday life.