The tragedy of a lost mind
May 15, 2014. A day I won’t ever be able to forget. There are few people out there that I’m able to hold onto friendships with for a long period of time. If it lasted a decade or more, I considered it something special and rare. The Internet has made it so much easier to stay connected, but for the longest time there was only one man who I once thought of as my best friend, and I lost him on that day.
I’m going to go into some personal history here, but I promise not to take too long with it. To sum it up, I wasn’t the best student in school, so I ended up attending a private school for those with behavioral issues. I actually wasn’t that bad, but at the time I found it difficult to control my depression which made me not function on occasion. There were other students who had it worse, but I think for the most part they went on to lead pretty successful lives. I just drifted from one thing to the next hoping to find something that’d make me happy and fulfilled. I’m not there yet, but I think I’m getting closer.
Anyway, Nick and I got along pretty well in high school. I’d go over his house in the country pretty regularly to game with him and watch movies. He took interest in things like biology and doing prosthetic makeup for film, and I thought he was brilliant and could really be a scientist or a veterinarian one day.
Nick’s brilliance was hamstrung by his mental condition. I don’t know if he was technically schizophrenic or what, but once in a blue moon he would engage in erratic, unusual behavior that I couldn’t explain even if I tried. To give you an example, there was one time I invited him over to my college dorm to have dinner with me and spend the weekend together, and just before it was time to go to the dining hall, he disappeared into the city without any warning. I became alarmed and called the campus police for help finding him, but eventually he was picked up by his mother. I didn’t think much of this event at the time, I was just angry that he left so suddenly and found the whole thing bizarre.
Like myself, he also suffered from depression, but while I decided to get help and talk to someone, he was resistant to taking meds or telling psychiatrists what was bothering him. He had suicidal thoughts now and then and did have to be admitted at least once. Compounding his issues was the death of his father, who lost a battle with cancer and let me tell you, watching someone suffer through that in their final moments is really hard on you.
Nick dated a few girls, who he met online, but there was only one girl who he truly got attached to. A young woman with a kind of punk/goth look to her who habitually smoked and was a bit callous and insensitive around me. She wasn’t my favorite person, but we got along most of the time. I think he really needed to be with someone after losing his dad, but at the same time I could sense trouble brewing on the horizon. Nick had never been able to hold down a steady job due to his mental issues, and this girl had health problems of her own which prevented her from working regularly either. She got sick a lot and there were times when she couldn’t eat. Anyone with a lick of sense could see the writing on the wall here — that any attempt at a long term relationship would end up being a tragic disaster. I just didn’t know how bad it would really get.
I remember the day of their wedding. My friend Jon and I went to this nice Cape Cod hotel in Hyannis, where we took pictures, I wore an ugly green tux, and had a delicious meal of teriyaki salmon and butternut squash soup. Nick’s fiancé and her sister were briefing me on how to be a best man, since I’d never done it before and I don’t really attend a lot of weddings. I felt out of place, and torn. I wanted to object to this marriage, but I didn’t want them to hate me for the rest of their lives. So I kept quiet and hoped that some miracle from on high would allow them to live their lives together in happiness.
Since he moved in with her at her parents’ place, we seldom saw each other anymore, no matter how much I insisted. At first he seemed to be alright, but over time, I think the reality of those two not being able to take care of themselves and living without much money started to take its toll. He would arrive at my house in his car angry at his wife, which made things awkward for me, but he calmed down Lateran the visit. I eventually learned that he was abusive to her, but this was after that day two years ago, when I visited her in the ICU of Tufts Medical Center in Boston after he’d assaulted her.
When you pick up a newspaper, you never expect to read a friend or family member’s name you recognize when something terrible occurs. Imagine my horror when I came across this article, after being messaged by Nick’s wife that he tried to kill her. I couldn’t process it. It was unthinkable to me that he’d do such a thing. The media treated it as a mere domestic violence case, but I knew there was far more to the story than that. Alice (that was her name) was left in a broken state, in both body and mind she was not well, and I was furious beyond belief. I felt betrayed upon realizing someone I was so close to could do something unforgivable like this. She pleaded with me to take her into my custody, but she was not in a good state of mind and it was just not feasible. We went our separate ways after I confirmed she would be alright, because I didn’t want to make things complicated between us, and her family was constantly asking Nick’s mother for money, which was a conflict I really didn’t want to be involved in. And that’s the only “closure” I got from losing him.
Why am I telling this awful, tragic story? Because it actually happened, and the anniversary is coming up fast. I’d told it once before on one of my stream videos, but there’s something relieving about having the words down to see.
If you feel bad after reading it, well, that’s alright. I struggled for months to accept everything that happened. You don’t need to give me anything, either. If you want to help, help someone who needs it. I’d want you to give to a suicide prevention charity, or volunteer your time to some mental health advocacy organization committed to understanding, sympathy and care. I think I will do just that when the date arrives, and check in to see how Nick’s mother is doing.
I hope now you can understand why I am the way I am, a “tsundere” who has a hard time expressing his feelings and gets angry sometimes. I’m not perfect, but I have the strength to keep moving after going through hell.
