Day67- Rejecting ThySelf

My mind has held me back via negative self-talk

October 10th, 2016

Thought of the morning: We are more fearful of life than death itself. Because death, we learn to accept it. It is not something that we can control, it’s going to happen. But life, that’s different. Life is within our control. We can do something about it. We have the power to make it count, and we have the ability to let it slip without experiencing life to the maximum. As the quote goes….

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

In the morning, we had our weekly FailUpWatson meeting. I invited others who I have yet to interview to the group because I’m starting to get impatient with the interview process, and it feels silly to exclude others as a result of my slowness. Writing weekly goals can benefit everyone, and so everyone should be invited. Right now, we’re at about half of the program, still need to engage 12 or so more people.

My morning thoughts on fear carried with me as we had our “All Hands on Deck” check-in. All Hands on Deck is a time where each of us shares for a few minutes how our week was. A format we can choose to use is sharing our highlight, low-light, and insight.

When it was my turn, I explained that I was really grateful for the self development that has been occurring at Watson and how that development is directly influencing the development of FailUp. And then, I started to talk about rejection. And as I started to talk about rejection, I started to get emotional. It became difficult for me to speak. And of course, a little bit of crying happened. Totally unexpected, per usual, but this happens to me. Kind of hard to control.

So what was happening and why? Well, I think it’s because I’m coming to a deep realization. I’m coming to terms that I have largely been living a life of fear. A life where I have been rejecting myself from others and opportunities. A life of much negative self-talk, which has been preventing me from so much that life has to offer.

Why do I get nervous when I speak publicly? Why do I get uncomfortable when I speak to pretty girls? Why do I judge myself constantly, evaluating how awful I’m doing? Why do I make stories up in my head about how others are consistently judging my strangeness? And why have I let these nerves, let this discomfort, prevent me from doing things that I actually want to do?

I have sheltered myself to protect myself. But protect myself from what? There’s nothing out there that can harm me. There’s only myself. By holding back, I have not saved myself, I have hurt myself by stunting my growth. I have shielded myself from experiencing things that would allow me to grow faster than I have. Sharing this, realizing this. That I have, and still do, reject myself. That was painful.

Returned to the room, laid on my bed, and then went to my desk. Wrote down some things that give me fear. My list is shared above.

Looking at this, it made me more fully recognize that I want to conquer my fears and be more intentional about doing so. And through this process, maybe I could become more confident. Maybe I could become stronger, more fully believing in myself and loving myself for who I am. Whether I’m alone in front of my computer or moments before or after speaking in front of a crowd or speaking with a pretty girl. Not letting negative self-talk get the best of me.

This afternoon/ evening was Ideation. The first we have had this class in 2.5 weeks! Today, we reflected on the assignments, questions, and activities of this past week. What did the master course teachers leave us with? What questions did we have that were left unanswered? This gave us very much needed time to think these things through. We spoke of our “leap of faith hypothesis” and how we may design an experiment to facilitate our learning.

My hypothesis: “if entrepreneurs have access to specially-designed mental fitness training then they will be more fit to build successful companies.” My lean experiment would be as follows: create 3 prompts for Watson scholars to participate in for this upcoming weekend, asking them to complete a challenge within 24 hours and see their results, learn from their experiences. Similar to the sort of experiment I did for myself this past weekend. Maybe that could be one of the three. Fun exercise, I’ll be thinking of this throughout the week.

Got back, ate dinner, cleaned the apartment a little bit, did lots of emails. Feeling behind, of course, but I recognize that this feeling is made up. I’m not behind. I’m right where I should be.