It finally happened. RUG redemption went live, and after holding for so long, I bit the bullet and redeemed every single RUG I had. Despite telling myself that I would hold until the end and continue to laugh with people I have really connected with. There is a certain need for danger that cannot be escaped, even though it is suppressed violently in today’s hyper-safe and hyper-monitored age. This need is rooted deeply within your ancient reptilian brain, with a voice that tells you constantly, “I AM A DUMB MONKEY EEEK EEKK.” Without the feeling that an improper action can cause a negative result, there is barely any incentive to pay attention to what one is doing or how we are doing it. This desire for constant risk is something that pathological gamblers allow themselves to be destroyed for, a truly animalistic and primitive mechanism in a rotting flesh machine. It is not the victory that compels them to gamble, but the thrill of avoidance of disaster. Ultimately, I decided to run away. Get away from all the risks and return to the safety of the safe and warm embrace of what I called home. But I kept running, and now find myself in a place undiscovered and alien, baring little resemblance to the warm comforts of home. I was lost and alone. With not a single person to judge me but myself, but it was in this state of confusion and defeat was I able to truly find myself. All these years, I have built a persona that appealed to everyone except myself. I was a “yes man” to everyone I knew. The realization shocked me to my core, so much so that I have begun to reject myself, limping through this alien world, shaking, and contorting as if I were wrapped in the straitjacket of the persona I created. I miss the friends I made on the RUG discord, people who I would call my family. Perhaps my family will accept me, the real me, but will they show no anger or fear if I simply asked them:
“When will the high APY return?”
My heart will forever be in my hands, and I am starting to lose my grip on it as I continue to run.