Sorry I Didn’t Respond to Your Email Because I’m a Bad Person

To whomever it may concern,

If you thought that I didn’t respond to your email because I had better things to do, then you’d be wrong. While I did in fact have better things to do, I wasn’t doing them either. I was off doing something that will ultimately not impact my life in any significant way. Most likely it won’t even impact my life in a minor way, therefore rendering my time wasted. My actions are completely indefensible and I will most likely repeat this behavior if you send a follow up email, so it’s better for you to just give up on the notion that I’ll meet your expectations.

I might have told you that I just didn’t see your email come through or that it went to spam, but that’s a lie. Your email didn’t go to spam and I definitely saw it come through. It’s 2017, my phone tells me every single time I get an email. Not only that, it also allows me to filter what kind of emails I want notifications for and I changed those notifications so that I specifically get shown emails like the one you sent me. Your email came through when I was on Twitter and the notification annoyed me so I swiped it away and never looked at it again.

Actually, that too is a lie. I opened my email to verify my 22nd 30 day trial for Tidal. While doing that I saw your email once again and felt guilty enough to read it. I like the email and I think we would work very well together, but unfortunately I’m a bad person and decided to never respond. I’m sure this opportunity would be better suited in the inbox of someone who isn’t a garbage human. Maybe someone who doesn’t procrastinate to the point of scheduling their procrastination.

Thank you for considering me for this incredible opportunity, but I’m going to have to respectfully decline. Unfortunately I won’t ever respectfully decline so you’re just going to have to assume that for yourself.