Go break a leg
Clement Royanette(1-kyu), the Assistant Secretary General of the French Go Federation(FFG) has resigned in the face of an outbreak of mass violence amongst his members.
Taking full responsibility, he stated that he very much regretted sending the email which had caused all the trouble in the first place, and would go back to spending more time playing Go. “I wish now I never told anyone about the new goban” he stated.
Clement’s email of this June, advertising the new playing material available from the FFG must have seemed innocent enough to him at the time. A new goban made from composite material was billed as “an attractive, lightweight, ecologically sound board for a competitive price”. Unfortunately, Clement went on to write “sachez que le produit est incassable” or in english “you should know that it is unbreakable”. For players of Go, an abstract strategy board game for two players, in which the aim is to surround more territory than the opponent, and which combines mathematical ability, together with spatial reasoning and some element of mysterious artistry, these words proved to be exactly like a red rag to a bull. Within days all hell broke loose.
One source, who wished to remain anonymous because of the ongoing police investigation, told us what happened at l’Aligre Go Club.
“A player at my club Antoine, he buyed one of the new boards, and he brought it to the meeting. As soon as he told to us “Il est incassable” that was it. Pierre took out his hammer and laid into it. Martin start to batter it with a pair of wooden sticks. Whilst Jean-Marie simply try to belly-flop the living fuck out of it. Of course, with the amount of beer they had all taken, it was not long till they leave the board, and they just beated each other.”
It was the same at other clubs across the land. For example in Marseille, 3 players were found dead, drowned near the bar, and another was in hospital after being crushed by a horse. We asked the FFG for comment, but they just shrugged their shoulders and made some other primitive gestures that we were unable to decipher. The boards are still on sale.
