Identity Crisis in Ascona

The European Pair Go Championships took place in the picturesque setting of Ascona, Switzerland. Yet the atmosphere itself was far from a pretty picture, after accusations were leveled against one couple for playing too much like men.

A Pair Go team must always consist of one male and one female player. It has a special atmosphere which is both welcoming to new and old participants alike. The smart clothes and the sight of gentlemen wearing ties generates a delicious refinement that never fails to exhilarate the competitors. It is indeed a far cry from the normal thoroughfare, where uncouth and common items, such as stinky trainers, beer stained tops, and greasy hair are abundant. It is then only too shocking to learn that the atmosphere suddenly turned sour just before the final round, when accusations were leveled against the Italian pair of Gian-Carlo Prosecco(1-kyu) and Bella Soletti(2-dan) who were leading with 4 wins from 4. Top Russian player, Alexsandr Dinerica calmly, and objectively explained things for us.

“Immediately after round 1 the rumours started. How does this lady play this way? The way she hane, the way she cut, even the way she ran out to the centre, it was exactly what a man would do. So I told everyone. Okay. You think she is a man. We can check it!”

“How is it possible to tell?”
“Using science, we can generate a statistical analysis of the match between Bella’s moves and the moves a real man might make.”

“And you did this?”

“Absolutely, we used this computer program. You can see it here. It is telling us that it is 98% certain that Bella has balls.”

The revelations came as a surprise to the referee. Not really wanting to check himself if the findings were true or not, he was faced with a difficult decision.

At this point, a French voice chipped in “and the man is stronger than the girl, how can this be?”

“Feelings were running high. Everyone was making accusations against the Italians. It was really complicated to understand all there analysis, so I decided to take the easy way out.” confided Moberto Rorrison. “So I just went with the flow and chucked them out.”

The Italians did not comment on the decision directly, but sources close to them told us that “the EGF will pay for this.”

Everyone else got on with enjoying the final round.