Donald Trump happened because you have a short attention span

Donald Trump, former winner of the Mr Bizarro World Contest for Cartoon Narcissists, is currently sitting in the Oval Office, wondering what an oval is.

He can’t google it because then the globalists would deduce from his search history that his obsession with constructing giant, penis-shaped buildings means that he has a very narrow knowledge of geometry.

Like everyone else, you may be asking yourself: how did this happen?

(By ‘this,’ I am referring to the Trump presidency, not his obsession with building enormous shafts out of steel, glass and concrete. That has a very straightforward psychopathology.)

Speaking as a dead trout who was absorbed by the internet in a WiFi tethering accident, my hot take is that it happened because you have a short attention span. Don’t pretend you don’t. The only reason you’re not just scanning through this article and looking at the pictures is because I insinuated that Trump is a rampant penis compensator in the second paragraph and you don’t know why more people haven’t been saying it.

The media- who are a bunch of good people just trying to do their jobs- know this about you. They know that you keep your phone inside the copy of War and Peace you pretend to read on the train and you’re actually scrolling through Rihanna’s Instagram account. They know that if it was possible to do an MRI scan during this process you would have the brain activity of a dead person.

And what do you get for not paying attention? Well, here’s an excerpt taken straight from a WhatsApp conversation between a couple of network news producers (their identities have been hidden):

Producer 1: 
Have you heard what Donald Trump said about Mexican immigrants?

Producer 2: 
Is that the start of a joke? I’m busy.

Producer 1: 
No, seriously- he did a speech last night where he said they were all rapists and stuff.

Producer 2: 
Err, yeah- I think he said something like, ‘they’re not sending their best…’ and then he said they’re bringing crime, drugs, rapists etc and some of them might be nice people.

Producer 1: 
So you DID see it then? Why can you never just give me a straight answer? I’m busy here

Producer 2: 
No, I’m the busy one. Scroll up. It was like the second thing I said.

Producer 1: 
OK. We’re both busy, so can we just agree to run the ‘Donald Trump says Mexicans are rapists’ story ASAP?

Producer 2: 
We do only have 18 Trump stories in the news cycle at the moment, but that’s not exactly what he said, is it? Not that he didn’t come across as a massive racist or anything, but he also didn’t say they were all rapists, did he?

Producer 1: 
Tommy, I told you I’m busy, and our viewers don’t have the attention span for that kind of coverage. Our metrics show that people watch this channel for an average of 15 seconds.


Producer 2: 
I’m too busy to continue this conversation so I’ll just cosign on that. See you in the meeting tomorrow.

Producer 1:
K, should be there depending on how busy I am.

…an hour later…

Producer 1: 
I work because I DO love the children, Mary. Not because I don’t

Sorry, wrong group.

You see, it’s your fault this happens to your news. Short, punchy headlines and heavily edited footage is all you can handle because you still have post-concussion syndrome from watching too many episodes of MTV Cribs when you were younger.

This forces the media to exaggerate everything just enough so that you’ll pay attention and get outraged, but also just enough so that Trump and his supporters look like they might not actually be crazy when they cry fake news.

It’s all a bit ironic really, since Trump lies all the time in an incredibly obvious way, but the media can’t do anything about it because you ruined their reputation with your limited attention span. They no longer occupy the moral high ground (like they did when America was great). They may not occupy the immoral low ground either, but that’s only because Trump lives there under a big gold bridge.

If you’ve made it this far through the article, congratulations! You’ve proven that you have a passable attention span, and your ability to persevere with my ad hominems shows that you might just survive the Trump regime with your dignity. We’re going to have to rebuild society together, so pay close attention.

Donald Trump behaves like he was listening to an Immanuel Kant audiobook in the shower and he misheard the important bits while he was washing his soft, statesmanlike hair. Kant thought we should ‘Act only according to that maxim whereby you can, at the same time, will that it should become a universal law.’

Follow this line of thinking and you can argue that it’s immoral for an individual to lie all the time on the basis that if everyone did that it would be an absolute disaster. Donald Trump, on the other hand, saw the establishment and the media lying and thought, ‘You call that lying? Watch this.’

Disclaimer: I am aware that the Huffington Post is Fake News

The main reason humans have so successfully taken over the planet is because they are, comparatively speaking, very good at building accurate models of the world and then using those models to their advantage. A salmon might know that it has to swim upstream so that it can fuck itself to death, but that’s about all it knows. By contrast, humans are currently designing computers that harness the power of quantum mechanics, and you don’t get stuff like that by just making shit up.

Spreading inaccurate information as a means to reaching political goals is not the right direction of travel to be heading in. Policy should be dictated, on some level at least, by pragmatism, so that you actually end up with the results you were looking for. You can’t build a quantum computer by shouting ‘Shazam!’ at your iPhone.

A post-truth society is one that puts feelings and tribalism before facts.

When it comes to a fun topic like refugees, for example, people on the left might value the lives of people fleeing from another country more than they worry about the potential difficulties that might occur when trying to integrate individuals into a society with a completely different culture. Because helping people is nice.

People on the right, roughly speaking, tend to value security and order more, which can make the idea of absorbing individuals from war-torn cultures into theirs a tough sell. They think this because the world is a dangerous place, and chaos is not a desirable state of affairs.

Problem is, when policy is based only on the kinds of gut feelings that make people identify as being left or right wing, without any appeal to actual facts, not only do you get bad policy, you also get tribalism ad absurdum. The status quo for both sides at the moment seems to be that the other is at best stupid and ill informed, and at worst knowingly evil.

Does that state of affairs sound like it’s going to lead to a sophisticated immigration policy? No, it’s going to lead to a Muslim ban. The type of Muslim ban that the president refers to as a Muslim ban but actually isn’t one, OK? But also it is. Does that make sense?


Whether you are on the left or the right, it’s never been more important to provide facts to support your arguments, rather than just launching personal attacks against your opponents like I did earlier when I implied you were all stupid and have short attention spans. Do as I say, not as I do.

If you happen to be leftist communist scum, instead of claiming that Donald Trump is a member of the KKK or a serial rapist, maybe choose from any of the plentiful real-world facts that make him the worst candidate for president since Bill Clinton’s penis tried to run in 2004.

If you’re one of those right-wing fascists I keep reading about, maybe ask yourself whether having a president who lies so much that even his allies have no idea what he’s going to do next makes America great again, or if it actually makes America controlled by a fucking idiot who acts like he’s playing a version of Pokemon Go where you have to collect personality disorders.

Either way, assuming that a certain number of people with short attention spans read the beginning of this article and then skipped to the end, go fuck yourselves, and good luck.