Untitled Three and Four (2015)

Maybe one day I’ll stop being all sad and depressed. I don’t need you to feel sorry for me. I already feel sorry for myself. I don’t like feeling this way, but I’ll get over it soon. I just feel lost right now. I went to a small high school, but now I go to a large university with about 50,000 people. A few months ago I was an actual person. Now? Now I feel like a face without a name. I’m not sure what college did to me. Did it take away my existence or is it simply making me reevaluate my existence?

It’s 10:41 a.m.

I’m currently in class.

I want to be white. I want to be a white man. I want to have white privilege. I want to be the most privileged, entitled, piece of shit, white man that I can possibly be. I want to ignore other people’s problems. I want to live an easier life. I want people to open doors for me. I want to be the standard of beauty. I want to be normal in society. I want to be able to shoot black boys and get away with it. I want to be able to lynch black people and get away with it. I want to look “warm” and “inviting.” I want to not intimidate anyone. I want people to say “Hi” when they pass me. I want white people to walk on the same side of the street as me. I don’t want to get asked stupid questions about my race. I want to be able to “not” say nigga. I want the family to be shocked when I bring a black girl to the Thanksgiving dinner. I want to get off with a warning instead of getting a ticket. I want to be able to spout ignorance in a college classroom. I want to make generic art, but have everyone think that it’s innovative. I want to steal stuff from everyone else and claim it as my own. I want to be able to speak for myself instead of speaking for an entire race. I want to be rich for no reason. I want to have a “black” best friend. I want to act like race doesn’t exist. I want to claim I’m a victim of reverse racism. I want to be a white man so fucking badly.

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