i’m sorry new jersey

Storytime.

I was in New York City with my family last Friday. We went down for the day with the intent to leave by 3:00. That was my family’s intent as I intentioned to leave after the 8:00 showing of Hamilton. I entered the lottery for tickets, I wouldn’t find out if I won until 4:01.

I didn’t get Hamilton tickets.

We left the city at 4:01, on a Friday afternoon, on a holiday weekend. I screwed over my whole family.

My concept of traffic is seeing slowing cars and not go that way. I experienced the worst traffic of my life. In one hour, we traveled the distance of five city blocks trying to enter the Lincoln Tunnel. That wasn’t the worst of it.

I think my hatred of New Jersey comes from my discovery of Saturday Night Live in 2009. My best memory of the season were the sketches of Fred Armisen going impersonations of former New York governor David Patterson and his hatred for the liberty and prosperity state. If you haven’t seen them, I’ll link my favorite one at the end of the essay.

After exiting the Lincoln Tunnel, we encountered more traffic. What doesn’t make it better are the careless actions of New Jersey drivers speeding then breaking hard, weaving through the lanes, and even driving on the shoulders of the road.

An app that is essential when traveling to and from the city is Waze. Waze is a social media GPS where users report traffic, hazards on the road, and police. It even has choices celebrity voices. This trip we had Tyler Perry as Medea.

Now comes the fun part. While siting in traffic, I started sending in traffic reports to Waze. There is an option to write little sayings with my report like, “I hope you don’t have to pee”, “The red Civic is selling soda”, “99 bottles of beer on the wall”. My favorite on was when I reported a hazard on the road, New Jersey drivers. After that, I was put on a temporary hold from the app on posting updates.

I was mad that I was stuck in traffic and targeted my hatred on the citizens of New Jersey.

New Jerseyites, I’m sorry you suck at driving and starting traffic.

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