A Promise to me

I know this one would sound so incredibly selfish, but here it is;

I vow to only let beautiful things pour out of me. And I will try my best to only pout beautiful things that the world is lacking.

It’s everything or nothing.

I saw my beautiful old friend earlier and she truly is beautiful, the way she carries herself and the way she makes herself look beautiful is so wholeheartedly. But I know her for a long time and remember that for some reason many things that pours out of her is far from beautiful. Her hand writings, her drawings, her words, the food she cooks, even the sound she makes when she’s annoyed or when she talks is unpleasant. I realized that I’m just like that as well. Hell, I’m not even that good at making myself look beautiful.

I thought I could try, I’m the ugliest when I’m angry but I have to find a way to change that. When I’m angry nothing is beautiful, like anains nin I hate murderously. I can change that, I have to.

I want everything I pour with my hands to be perfectly beautiful, every word, every stroke of pen on paper, every meal I cook, everything I said, I want everything my hands touch to be beautiful. I’m tired of being hateful and bitter towards my surroundings while most of the times it brings me beauty that overwhelms me. I feel like I drain out the pretty things but instead I pour out angry bitter things I once mistaken as maturity.

I always pray fir the people around me to maintain a kind and gentle heart no matter how bad the world treats them. But I’m the one losing myself over things that doesn’t matter. Over boys and circumstances that I can pull myself out of.

And yet I found a little despair in my promise, I know I can’t trust anyone and I can’t trust anyone I can’t trust anyone. So I chose to only trust myself with everything and let other things left me when they have to. I don’t want to rely my happiness on other people, I shouldn’t have.

I’m sorry, I know I’m on my own and I’m trying to trust myself completely. Other people are other people, you can’t rely on them and you know how much you’re sick of mediocrity and half-ass sincerity. Now you give yourself absolutely everything on full force like you should’ve done a long time ago.

Graduation week

Feb 2017