Wrapping Up 2021
And this hurt too.
How are you? How’s your soul doing also? And by your soul, I mean your heart and mind. If you want to give me the regular “I’m fine” just so you could convince yourself that you’re okay, don’t do that. It’s way alright not to be okay. If you throw that question back at me though, I’ll tell you my soul is breaking on a daily and I don’t know how to fix it but I’m trying. I’m trying to suck it up and move on, but I can’t fix bullet holes with band-aids. So I’m willing to be patient and gentle with myself.
How was 2021 for you? Fun? Filled with vibes? Went on adventures? Lived? Loved? Bad? A disappointment?
I remember how sad I became on my way home from church after the cross over to 2021. I don’t know why but maybe it had to do with the fake smiles I plastered on my face all through the service, or the compulsory hugs people wanted from me, or the new year resolutions I wrote down knowing so well I might not fall through with them. I sighed so deeply, while staring at the sky cause my heart felt so heavy with these expectations I had for myself. I just wondered and was worried sick of how it would all play out. It was messy.
You know being alive doesn’t actually mean you’re living right? You could be moving, breathing and doing other regular stuffs, but self awareness? Out the fucking window. I felt like a shadow to be honest, very unseen and I liked it anyway. Maybe. I mean I also wanted to do something different, rather than my regular reading and sleeping. I needed to live, and maybe get heartbroken so I could write from that angle and know how it felt like. I just really craved something different. Desperately too.
Mid June, life served this buffet dinner filled with bacterias. Should’ve said, “No thanks”, when I saw what was on the menu, but I didn’t cause I wanted things to be different.
I started making efforts to be self aware, made very few friends, stayed connected with the real ones still, loved, battled with my depression cause it really got worse, got heartbroken because you know we’re humans and we’ll always give each others steady hurts, got disappointed too. I’m trying real hard not to dwell on the bad stuffs but it’s really hard, cause in Gods truth this year was the hardest.
“Life had me by the throat with a blade against it.” -Hopsin
Who knew adulthood was this messed up? I literally stopped caring about lots of unnecessary things and even myself at some point. It all felt so tiring to be honest, the caring that is. I got so tired of giving people my time only for them to waste it, I got really drained from not having someone to hold on to when I needed it. Almost everyone I loved were several kilometers far from me when I just needed to see them and feel their energy because mine was nothing. To be honest, I got toxic to some people and I hated the fact that they wanted things I couldn’t even give myself. Distance was the only option I had left, it was so easy to let communication die out with those people, I felt lighter because the weight of trying to please people just fell off my tiny shoulders.
For 2020 too(this pun is not for everyone by the way), God forbid I go through this rough patch again. Someone told me not to give up on myself and dear reader, I hope you also never find reasons to give up on yourself too. The phase of self discovery is always a rough one and personally, I’m still taking baby steps in that aspect. You actually won’t ever discover who you are if consistency and determination aren’t involved. It’s safe to say I discovered 30% this year, we’ll go harder next year.
Lots of the people I know celebrated really admiring wins this year. Ones I wanted but I couldn’t have because, “Life na turn by turn”. Some graduated, got jobs, started their own brands, but here I was pouting like a potato with my bonnet on. Lol. Well I’m glad they were happy, we’ll just have to wait for ours aren’t we? Doesn’t mean we shouldn’t celebrate our small wins though and be grateful to be alive to always try over and over again till we finally win big.
So how would you like your 2022 to be?
That’s a large question that’s so easy to answer if you think deeply about it, but you acting it out is just the tug of war. So I’m going to try not to make promises to myself that I might not be able to keep. I’m going to weigh the pros and cons of everything my heart wants to do and if the cons holds more weight, I’ll take the risk. I’m going to try. Try to be happier, try to live without regrets, try to love again, try to listen less to the public and do me.
Oh and before I forget, reach out to those who helped you one way or the other this year, they definitely had their own issues but they stood by you regardless.
For me, Kehinde triumph and Olatundemesioye were the real OG’s. Omo, the way these guys were so quick to repost and give me feedbacks on everything I wrote was so overwhelming. I can’t thank you guys enough! Whitey, thank you for staying and for being so good to me.
I’m definitely going to reach out to everyone who made me happy in the little way they could personally because I mean it was a crazy year.
I believe tomorrow would be the beginning of new opportunities, breakthroughs, friendships, love, happiness and ofcourse hurt. Just enjoy everything while it lasts. Live. That’s literally number one on my to-do list for tomorrow. To live and make more memories.
Cheers to a good life!