THE REVIEWS EPISODE 3: MAX STEEL

What happens when a toy line gets a movie release?

Damn, no good superhero movie to watch these days. Seriously, what has the world come to when it comes to making superhero movies?

I’m just flipping through my collection of movies. And guess what I found? Megamind. A 2010 movie.

It just talks about this big head guy who does bad in the first place. And when he defeats the story’s protagonist, he decides to make a new hero to go against him. This is one of the cliché movies that has guys turn from bad to good.

Let me try to find another one. I took out a DVD cover and saw “The Spongebob Movie: Sponge Out Of Water”.

This time, Spongebob and his clique come out of water to save the Krabby Patty Formula from falling into the hands of a villain. It may seem like some interesting movie to you, but in this Spongebob series, it never is. The Krabby Patty Formula is like some fucking god. If the villain steals it, it magically would be back at the hero’s hands, which in this case, is Spongebob or Mr Krabbs. And this piece of formula is precious like hell. If it is gone, the whole world, to Mr Krabbs, is gone for good.

Bad superhero movies everywhere. All these not-DC-and-Marvel superhero movies are trying to top each other by trying to make it more awesome and greater, but every year, it gets shittier and shittier. This is just crap. I walked to my room. What good superhero movies are there to watch?

Suddenly, something hit my head. I groaned in pain. A small DVD box apparently hit me on the head. I picked it up and looked at it.

Max Steel? A superhero movie? Isn’t there an animated television series about this dickhead?

Yeah, the animated series was pretty decent for its time. It’s all about a boy named Josh who got his own body invaded by nanomachines thanks to a villain. His guardian Jefferson saved him, and he subsequently became Max Steel and fought monsters, superhumans, robots, and more. There was a 2013 reboot on Disney XD, and it was alright. Nothing that special, either.

When I heard Max Steel had a movie with 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, I was pretty confused. Was it that bad? Did it really suck? Only one way to find out. I went to my living room and inserted the CD into my player.

The intro: Mattel. The one who made Hotwheels. I used to play with them. Maybe this movie might turn out somehow good after all.

The movie starts off with a son and mother who moves in to a new house. Yeah, and the first 4 minutes of the movie are boring as hell.

Next thing, he goes to school. Now hear this: a guy who moves in a new house goes to school. Sounds cliché, doesn’t it?

Well, what happens next? He found out he had powers within his hands. Cliché for every superhero movie. He tries to control it. For some reason, he can’t.

In a forest scene, his whole body explodes after some blasting power shit.

He woke up in his bed. With lots of cuts. And Steel. And Steel tells him about the world in danger and Max needs to save the world. Fucking cliché. Max hides Steel from his mother, which is normal. You don’t want your mum to find out you have a small piece of dog poop in your room.

Now you think: from here, it’s gonna get better and greater. Just like Spider Man, or Wonder Woman, or Superman, or any superhero move. Astroboy and others. Wanna guess? Shit.

So next, Max brings Steel to school and stuff. Many things happen, and after that they went to an area that can’t be trespassed. As usual, one of the characters had to tell the another one that it’s unsafe to trespass, especially if it’s a private land. But they both went into the private property after a few moments like “Screw it, fuck the cops.”

Here’s where the first ridiculous scene comes up. He’s trying out his power. Like every superhero movie, they try out their powers for a while. That’s the same for this movie.

So far, this movie has been showing me scene every superhero movie has. Which means it’s cliché. And I really hate it.

Then, Steel showed Max pictures and videos of his father getting into a suit or something. Damn, when a main character’s dad or mum pass away, someone just had to fucking show them the sad memories when they’re alive. And in this case, it’s Steel. What a fucking asshole he is.

Oh yeah, I forgot. When Max attended the school, he met a girl whom he likes. Wow. Some shit right there. Why does it sound like a cliché to me?

Back to the present, Max went to find his father’s partner, who helps his father with some suit. The partner, Miles Edward, says he cannot help. Okay, so now Max got to find how his father died.

The funny thing is, in the animated series, Miles was named Miles Dredd, but in the movie, he’s called Miles Edward. Weird.

Max then encountered a weird tornado monster who wants to suck Max and kill him. Steel went to help him and confesses that he was one of the tornado monsters, who actually looks exactly like Steel. Max is pissed and ran off to the scene where his father died. He saw the whole story. I want you to take a guess. Who do you think killed his father? Steel? One of his prototypes? Or a malfunction?

You want to know the answer? Okay, here you go. NONE OF THEM. Instead, it was the motherfucker Miles Edward/Dredd. Yeah, just because Max’s father Jim opposed Miles’ decision to help the Ultralinks conquer humanity in exchange for unlimited access to some energy stuff. How Jim died? By the suit getting too overloaded and his energy getting drained completely. Max then found Steel and they joined hands, using their powers to explode and kill Miles for revenge of his father’s death. Yay, Max Steel the superhero saves the day. And you thought that was the end of the story?

No, no. How could they possibly end there? They still had not shown what happened to the fucking girl that was introduced or whether Max died.

When Max was overloaded with the stupid energy in the first few minutes, he gots lots of cuts on his body. But after he killed Miles and he was also overloaded, he did not get a single cut. This makes no sense.

His mother then came and Steel meets his mother. PLOT TWIST. Steel and Max’s mother knew each other. Okay, fucked up shit, I know.

When Max met the girl after a day, they decided to confess to each other and kissed each other too. And they went out together, became boyfriend and girlfriend, and Max lived happily ever after.

That’s it? Seriously?

This movie wasted 2 hours of my time by being a cliché dick sucker. I could’ve watched Megamind, or The Spongebob Movie: Sponge Out Of Water. This fucking movie is such a fucking piece of shit. I rather watch What Dreams May Come, or Transformers The Last Knight. At least that movie is more interesting than this piece of cow dung. Even the animated series has more value than this.

What’s worse is that I have to watch it again. With my cousin. I told him I’m watching this shit movie, and he told me he’s interested in watching it with me once he return home from school.

The worst part is, I’m going to watch Fox Movies Premium with my family. And at dinner time, they’re showing MAX FUCKING STEEL. Good luck to me.