Comey Hearing Divides Americans

BUTTE RIDGE, MO

In the dim light of late morning a handful of regulars gathered around the flat screen at the back end of MacGillicuty’s, or just ‘the corner bar’ as it’s known to regulars. The crowd here is fitting for a former mining town, hardscrabble enough to be featured in a campaign ad. A handful of people nursed post breakfast beers, while the rest sipped on watery coffee from the pot usual reserved for the morning shift bartenders. Everyone seemed intent on hearing out the testimony of former FBI Director James Comey.

“I’m tired of all this horse shit. Everyone’s flapping their gums and what do we get for it? Turd burritos for breakfast, that’s what.” said Jim Forster, a former army ranger and current cat veterinarian vented to no one in particular.

“We ought to get back to what we were good for to begin with, and the last thing we was good for was beating the Reds at just about everything.” echoed Todd Dingle, a 69 year old retired vinyl siding salesman.

As the hearings unfolded opinions at the bar sharply divided on how to interpret the sometimes fraught hearing on screen.

A few, like Laura Bethbubb, 86, thought that James Comey was too tall for the desk they made him sit in. Every twenty minutes or so she would wonder out loud how he was able to sit for so long without having to stretch his legs. As a woman “of unusual stature,” she seemed to have a unique insight into the physical predicament of Mr. Comey, a 6'8" man himself.

“If I’m being honest, I’d tell you that the only reason I’m still watching this is to see how he’s able to walk after sitting for so long. I mean, they ought to tuck his feet in and call it a night. If I were him I’d be liable to tip right over just walking out the room.” she said. “I’ll tell you something though, ain’t no way in hell a man that big is gonna be afraid of a rubber filled with ‘taters like Don Trump.”

“Were I Mr. Comey, I’d have hidden in a clever place and waited for the perfect moment to spook the shit outta the President.” said Tug Guntern, a 75 year old former septic tank miner and current ‘mindset expert.’ “All this is on him. If he had showed Trump who was boss by spookin the shit outta him, we wouldn’t be here today. Only tricky thing about it is finding the clever place.”

While the morning turned to afternoon and the light stretched further into the dank and dusty bar, tensions rose between patrons around political lines as Mr. Comey’s testimony continued.

“Shit Tug, only one spookin’ anyone today is you with you’re ability to four potato your own dumbassery.” Said a wild eyed man who asked to be referred to as Harold Quaab XLII. “You ding dongs wouldn’t know global warmin’ from warmin’ your wieners.”

“Hate to say it, but I’d die of boredom if it weren’t for him.” Mr. Forster told me. “Lemme buy you a beer you ol’ coot.” said Ms. Bethbubb. Some other patrons were less forgiving in their analysis of the intrusion.

“Eat shit, Harry. You crazy piece of shit.” Todd replied.

“Wrap it in a tortilla and I’d snack some, you bitch.” Mr. Quaab said. “You fucken nincompoops think you’re so smart. You’re all just pissen in the wind, I tell ya.”

With that, Mr. Quaab urinated on the floor and the barroom cleared out.

“Just as well, it’s time for the lunch rush.” said the bartender, who asked to remain anonymous for this report.