How I discover I’m worthy of great love.

I met him after a turbulent relationship. I just wanted to be alone. To discover who I really am. To mend myself from the dreams that I will have to forever bury with the one who wasn’t mean to be. Then, I met him.

Against my better judgment, I tripped when I shouldn’t.

I tripped in love with this beautiful man. Every moment we spent together felt like a candy-coloured Wes Anderson blockbuster. When I am with him, the world is just him and me. There’s no time, no space. Just us…

The rest of the people in the world just disappear, melting into the background like they are furniture or a painting. I’m not perfect. But the way he looks at me is like I’m the most beautiful girl he’s ever met. Inside and out. The intensity of his stare. The piercing way he listens. His presence and aura when he includes me in his space. I feel like I’m part of his personal bubble of space and in that space… it’s just vacuum. No air. Just his heart beating. His breath. His smell. He lets me into his secret palace.

His deliberate movements. When he touched me, I was on fire. Every moment spent with him is like a movie in slow motion…. The world spins around us while we stood still facing each other.

As quick as the ascend of this delirious ride was, the law of gravity made sure that the fall is just as dramatic. Every moment we stood in silence, the closer we are to reality again. I have to do something before this moment pass and forever gone.

Oh, be brave. Say it. Need something. Need courage.

I stopped. 
Turned around. Looked at him.

“You ignored me.”
“I don’t get it.”
Tired of pretending. Just get it out. “I like you. I like you a lot.” Look on the floor. Actually… I love you. I love you a lot.

He slumped against the wall. Sad. Points to his watch. “I am leaving in two weeks. What do you want me to do?”

Nothing. I just want you to know. “Can’t you tell at all?”

“There are times when I thought you might. And then you will come back with insults. You are so hard to read, you know that?”

You’re not the first to say this. “I am Asian. Learn to keep everything inside.”

“I can’t have a relationship now.”

That’s my line. “Me too.” Smile.

“Then we don’t have a problem there.”

Then why do you still look so sad? I am sorry I made you sad. “I am sorry. I am so sorry.”

Whispered softly. “Don’t be. Don’t be.”

I love you because… you are you. Who are you, really? “I’m not easily impressed and you impressed me.”

“Why are you shaking your head?”

I’ve changed the trajectory of us. Maybe there was never us and it was all just in my imagination. “Nothing…”

When I thought we were meant to be together, now I know we were meant to only collide. For a brief period. We collided. And it was magical. The delicate, fleeting moment we had was stunning. And heartbreaking. He is still in a corner of my heart. A big impact in my life. It’s more than I could’ve imagined. I finally understood. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of great love.


Originally published at www.fanyalime.com.

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