Free Food the Fatty Way

You spell H-e-i-m-l-i-c-h maybe?

First, movie.

Long time go movie. Advertisement on screen green jingle tree. Jumpy. Film break, melt. Fatty scream out “Hoo ha!” Oops. Melting part of ad. Clever Coca Cola people make fool of Fatty.

Movie over. Go eat at Lone Star Steak House. Drink Cutty Sark on rocks. Order San Antonio filet rare. Baked sweet potato with butter and cinnamon. Blue cheese dressing. Fatties having wonderful time, holding hands across table, dreaming dreams, scheming schemes. Whoa! Here come food. Fatty finish scotch. Wipe mouth. Sniff. Smell dead cooked meat. Mmmm, smell mighty tasty, pardner. Cut off nice- size bite. Yummy, just way Fatty like, cool red center, pink at edges. Put mouth, chew, savory dead-thing juices slip down gullet. Dead meat follow. And stop. Right there.

Ever see “Amadaeus”?

Fatty swallow again. Dead meat no move. Again. No move. Mrs. Fatty look up and see Fatty eyes popping.

“What wrong, Fatty?” Fatty can’t talk, move head-left-right-left. “Fatty, what wrong?” Fear rise Mrs. Fatty voice.

Fatty rise up, try not be noticed other patrons. Mrs. Fatty up now. Fatty squeeze out word through obstructed esophagus — “Heimlich!”

Mrs. Fatty think “heimlich” mean pat Fatty back. Like pee in ocean. Fatty desperate now. Grab waiter. “Heimlich!” Man scared-confused. Ask all right? Fatty head shake, very urgent. “Heimlich!” Lots waiters now, like bees on Fatty. No time questions. Tall Texan grab Fatty, OOPH!

Hell, Fatty expect dead meat pop right out. Not poor Fatty. “Again!”

OOPH!

“Again!”

OOPH!

Oops! Not working here. Fatty indicate bathroom, no want freak out patrons anymore than necessary. Bees fly there. Fatty hover sink. “HARDER!”

OOPH! Fatty hear someone say call 911?

Stuff coming out, but not meat.

“AGAIN!”

OOPH!

Fatty try cough. Bring up lots yellow brown mucus. No meat.

Try glass water. Whoosh water right back up like Old Faithful, cover bathroom mirror. Back to Heimlich.

“AGAIN!”

OOPH!

Fatty cough, hack, hawk, bark, moo, oink, quack, wheeze, gasp, gurgle, put very soul in this, and, SPLAT! Dead meat thing hit white basin.

Big man do Heimlich sweating all white scared. Ask all right?

Fatty fine now. Look mirror. Wipe spittle from shirt. Turn to lifesaver, grin, say, “Okay, now we gotta go back out there and look cool!” He grin back. Fatty make new friend.

Fatties sit down. Waiter already set out take-home containers. Fatty think management want us disappear ASAP. Like nothing happen Fatty cuts another hunk meat. Just show people not scared dead thing. Chew meat very very very very thoroughly. Swallow. Yum. Finish sweet potato. Put rest dead thing container. Waiter come up, say, “The meal’s on us. We hope you come back and try us again.”

Fatty leave big tip. Still come out way ahead.

Moral — Want free meal? Crave attention? Try Fatty way.

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