Day 244 — This morning I stood in the driveway, wearing my pajamas, as my son left for medical school in a car stuffed to the gills with all his worldly possessions. It was still dark as he and his father embarked on their 2 day car ride to Boston. As I began to tear-up. He hugged me as tight as he could without breaking every bone in my body. He kissed me again and again and again. Until we both knew it was time. I stood back. My heart bursting with pride and pain. I knew this day would come. And it has. I just thought we’d have more time together to do all the things we love. Time as us. As a family. To say all the important things you only think of upon reflection. Delusional that it would make a difference.
He chose to take a gap year. I was hoping for more time with him before he committed to a rigorous six years in an MD/PhD program. But alas, he stayed in his college town, working as a trainer at his beloved #crossfit box, with second and third jobs he enjoyed — selling insurance, then managing social media for an energy drink. All of it, three hours away. Plus, he was having fun with roommates who were “nice guys” too. How much trouble can a police officer, firefighter, professional musician and my son get into? Don’t answer that. I’m choosing ignorance. Well, now the fun is over.
He only came home for a day this…his last weekend. Which he spent hugging his grandfather (a doctor who gave him a magnum opus on medical diagnosis when he was a little boy — the only book he is taking with him today) and his Uncle who surprised him with a “pick whatever you want” moment at the Apple store. New computer packed, I get one last chance to give him some advice as he runs back to me for one last hug. “Don’t fu@k it up.” Bam! Profundity! I’m gonna need to circle back on that one the next time I see him.
As they drive away…my heart felt like it was shattering. I lifted my phone to take a photo…and dropped it. Now my phone is shattered too. Ugh. First time ever. Then a street cleaner came barreling down the street. I think the universe is telling me something.
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