#6: Regarding Relationship

[Fairly warning: the word ‘you’ I’ll be using in paragraph below may refer to more than one person]

It was Wednesday in March 2016. I don’t remember the date, I just remember it was in a middle of the day, about 11 o’clock. One of my friend asked me, who was (a person) close to me. My mouth stuttered. I didn’t know how to answer it. My mind traveled so fast looking for the right answer but it couldn’t find any.

What is the meaning of ‘close’ anyway? Then, what is ‘closer’ and ‘closest’? Is there a boundary that separate a friend and stranger? Are families just administrative bound with coincidental biology relation? Do I really need a hierarchy of closeness in my life? But then we are willingly make people that don’t have any relation to us a mere more inhuman data. What is this?

But there are more into it. You see, relationship is really thrilling for me. I mean, really, any relationship, friend, family, lover, sibling, some-administrative-I-need-to-affiliate-to-this-person-somehow-ship, has some kind of unspoken commitment into it. I’m afraid that everyone in my life (or was) are just go with things, go with me. Like you were coincidentally in same place, time, and interest with me so we need to tolerate each other. And it just sad that it is how relationship works. Its freaking absurd. To simply describe it, I dont know what the right thing to do. And I’m scared to fail. I’m scared to screw things up. Because it means I screw up someone else life.

— —

Someone told me, if i showed myself as who I am, people that are willing to stay in my life are genuine people and accept me for who I am. But in my head I couldn’t help but thinking that what Im showing is different than what is it. Of course I know that every-freakin people do that. Hiding behind morals and values and rules and over all being a good person. I dont have any problem with it but I dont want to be like that. But really if that the case, we wouldn’t ever know anyone. So whats the point of relationship? Is it for just the survival’s sake?

— —

I remember seeing bruised on your right leg that one time. I didnt know what to do. So I just pretend that I didnt see it. But knowing you, I know things happened and I was worried that it would turn bad. But as you go, I know that you were also pretending that everything was okay. To make it worst, you trusted me afterwards. You told me things that you said you didnt tell anybody else. Why did you trust me?

I remember when you cried when we were walking and I just stood there, full of guilt. I dont know how to calm you down. ‘How could I help you?’ is the sentence that keep re-appearing in the nack of my head.

That time. That time we were sitting in a bench, right after you got bad news. I just sit there, listening without giving any solution. Thinking all over again about the last time I didnt help you and afraid that I couldnt this time.

And this just a few honorable mentions

— —

You see, I don’t have many good/positive things in me. I don’t have any moral code. My mind is negative most of the time. I speak like I’m using a speech jammer. I couldn’t keep conversation. I don’t have something interesting to say. And I’m a self-centered, egoistical bastard that self-aware all the time. I don’t really have a strong connection with anyone. But maybe it is my fault. I’m scared that I would put bad influence in your life. And I know I’m a bad friend really.

But. I really thank you for tolerating me and my shenanigans. And I couldn’t thank you enough for the time you give to me to helped me or just putting up with (again!) my shenanigans. Yeah sure maybe I appreciate some of you more than the other because I have preference in human but that doesn’t mean I value you less than them. Maybe I’m bad at showing this (because my need for social interaction is somewhat little), but I’m glad that you are alive and well although we don’t talk much.

As I was saying earlier in my post back then in October 2017. I couldn’t be anyone that stood there beside you. And I’m sorry if I couldn’t always be there for you. You know, I’m much more comfortable stood there behind you, being an observer but ready to catch you if you ever fall (if I know about things so yeah just give me a cue or something that you are in bad situation). Its fun seeing your growth and being a better person.

And lastly, when I say that I wanted to see you happy with yourself and your life, I really mean it. So, good luck with life, guys!

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