Looking to spend some money on your sex life that doesn’t involve soliciting? Only thing left to blow is your cash? Well look no further than our five favourite expensive sex toys that take extravagance to a whole new orgasmic level. You wouldn’t think there’s enough to narrow down, but the world’s rich know no limits: there’s an abundance of diamond studded dildos and gold-plated gags. So we’ve chosen the weirdest and most wonderful for our top five.
If you’re ready to put your money where someone else’s mouth should be, then let’s begin.
Lelo Earl — £1690
It’s one of the cheapest things on our list and it’s certainly not the weirdest. So why include it? Well The Earl is all about it’s accessories. Sure, butt plugs are ten a penny, but gold-plated plugs with matching cufflinks all in a velvet-lined wooden box? Well, bugger me. Nothing cries confidence at a work do like showing the world that your cuffs match your colon.
Velv’or King JCobra Solid Platinum Cock Ring — £131440
You have to hand it to them, this is the furthest anyone’s ever gone to justify a pun: it’s the literal trouser snake trouser snake. King JCobra is a platinum cobra that curls around your cock and keeps you going. This is immersion therapy at its finest: sneak one of these in your pants and wait for your loved one to go looking. She’ll be screaming in no time. You can’t argue the ring doesn’t do its job though — you’ll definitely be the biggest dick in the room hands down.
Betony Vernon Petting Ring £1064
Betony Vernon is like the perfect lover when it comes to this list: she just keeps giving and giving. She sells the ultimate, exorbitant wank. The piece that brought her fame was a unicorn tail butt plug, the perfect gift for any billionaire brony. We prefer her rings though, even if they’re relatively cheap. Take a look at the 10cm ostrich feather puff ring, a piece of fluff that’s somehow listed under the ‘wedding’ section. The best is her petting ring however, worth looking at for the diagram alone. Petting rings are the undiscovered hand shandy assistant, which pose your hand in the perfect position. Say goodbye to finger fatigue and throw making any special effort out the window. Now all we need is a bracelet that moves your arm for you and humanity may be doomed.
RealDoll — £5000 — £?????
Now we’re getting to the real high stakes players. RealDoll is hard to pin down when it comes to price — sex dolls can be customised to each client, taking bespoke prices from a standard £5000 to the tens of thousands. The amount of detail needed for choosing a nipple alone (or two, if that’s how you roll) means you’re probably better off putting your time and effort into dating. But then real women are so hard to buy for: there’s no end of gifts you can give your RealDoll. Say ‘Merry Christmas’ with a new articulated spine! Celebrate a happy Hanukkah with a removable orifice system! And nothing says anniversary like a transgender converter and customised freckles. Whatever the weather, say it with silicone.
Pearl Royal — $1million
It’s so difficult to decide on which bankrupting dildo to buy. For Felix it came down to a choice of two: Lelo’s Victor Phantasm and Colin Burn’s Pearl Royal. Either way it’s safe to say that money can’t buy you sense or dignity. The Victor has a fabulous name and is actually something you can buy — well, not you or me, or anyone we likely know. The Pearl is a bespoke piece that might never have actually been ordered. After all, at a cool million you want to go pound for pound, so to speak. As yet, we’re not sure if it even exists. Perhaps diamond and pearl encrusted, crown-wearing dildos are just a bit passé these days. However, its price tag pips Victor to the post, and with this much karat on your crown jewels you’re guaranteed to get your rocks off.