Where I be now..

Realisations. Revelations. Consternations. Constellations.

Thirty six now and feeling like it’s time to begin to write the next chapter, see where it leads. I have grown so much from that dope smoking teen. Still so much to learn though and just knocking at the door. Becoming an adult and taking a peak at what might be in store.

Trying to focus on personal development and health. Rekindle some of those talents I’ve neglected over time. Yoga, meditation teachers, personal trainers, an astrologer, Shaman, hypnotist, cognitive behavioural therapist, nutritionist, kinesiologist and financial adviser I’ve enlisted. To help me to grow my internal spiritual wealth. A plethora of experts, me searching in hope of finding my true deep self. Some might say it’s excessive but I’m sure where I’m going you can’t source just one guide off the corner shop shelf, seeking advice on how to improve myself.

Feeling the need to transform and make a sea change. Sail my ship out the other side of the boozy fog. As Shakespeare said in The Tempest, what’s past is prologue.

So the plan is to spend the next twelve months or so, honing my mind, my body and soul. Save up some cash and get equipped with the skills. In tip top shape so I can find and follow my dreams. The aim in 2017 a year long trip around the world I will make. Unearth what is out there when you unstitch mine and the planet’s seams. Many a thing I’m sure aren’t quite what they seem. Grow what I love and shake off the fake. Wandering around looking for pockets of joy, find stories of human goodness I’ve wondered about since I was a boy. See the world’s beauty before global warming and war, evil men’s greed sends our species back into the sea sore.

Writing, painting, volunteering, playing, exploring and soul searching. On my travels and in this next year or so running up. I hope to find what I adore in the world and myself so I can feed and nurture them. Drink from their cup. It’s a desire I’ve had all my life and now time to quench that long wanderlust yearning.

Creatively I’ve already gotten the ball rolling, co-Producing two films for Vivid Sydney on Reconciliation Week (Kanyini and One Heart Beats Within). Had an article, Feel The Burn published in The Collective magazine about my first trip to Burning Man in 2013. Run free art workshops at festivals and in the community with my friends as part of Creative Circle.

Passionate about human rights, caring for the environment and dreaming of a sustainable world built with well being for all.

As when I look at where I be now. I feel that I can easily give lots of love to those all around. But when I look into myself I’m still unsure how I can be that best version of me. While I have many great friends, both boys and girls who say that they love my being. I still don’t believe that there’s ever been a girl in this world, where we can both say that we’ve truely loved each other from the bottom of our hearts beyond a momentary yearning. Me feeling deep down that I’m not good enough or worthy. So instead I just have it large and self sabotage.

I think that is my missing part. To pass without having truly experienced reciprocal love is to live without your song having ever really been heard. So to grow I plan to find and do what I dream. Perhaps on that journey then love will find me. It’s not so absurd. That with some time wandering the earth on my own, there will be less wondering around inside myself like a lone lost soul.

So, this next year I plan to learn teaching English and art therapy. So when I’m travelling I can help volunteer in those places where people haven’t had lives quite as lucky as I have been. Then travel the world writing this Blog. Trying not to make it too existential and avoiding any pretension. With some parts hopefully everyone can make a connection. I plan to write about all sorts of things. My journey, my thoughts, adventures and dreams. Politics, social consciousness and spiritual musings. A sprinkling of humour where it is right. So please do dip in and dip out with me if you’re up for the ride.

The aim to find a new calling, after ten years in recruitment, while I love my team it’s often so boring I’m yawning. Stop floundering in what the Buddhists call the realm of the hungry ghosts, always looking outside and wanting more from the earth our host. Instead tap into the inside and peel back the layers, reveal the onion at its core. To find a purpose were the end goal isn’t the vacuous task for me of earning lots of money. A rat in a race, corporate world paper chasing and feeling spiritually poor. Make giving rather than taking from others the motive. Don’t get me wrong in order to do what we want in life, unfortunately we have to be earning but the challis shouldn’t be purely the coin. It will curse us.

For hunting down purely material wealth will drive you insane. It’s a means to transact and carve a path and not the reward in itself. As if cash and numbers in a bank is your goblet, then you’ll become its servant and always want more. Precious metal and printed notes, you’ll choke if you gobble it. One must find riches inside yourself or you’ll always be skint. If I was brave and resourceful enough I’d pack my bag and travel with just the shirt on my back. Operate from a place of freedom. Rather than a fear of not being able to save, buy a house, pay off debt, provide for a family in the future or have a roof over my head when I retire. Have faith that if I lead a good life, do the things that I love, spend my time with nice people that we’ll never go short and we’ll look after each other right.

Wean off the quest for cash like an addict off crack. Its a common retort that people advise when they’re flat on their back. It’s memories we cherish not finances we should make our cohort. When we lie on our beds dying, love not gold our hearts are pining.

As Steve Jobs said in his last words, “God gave us the senses to let us feel the love in everyone’s heart, not the illusions brought about by wealth. The wealth I have won in my life I cannot bring with me. What I bring is the only memories precipitated by love. That’s the true riches which will follow you, accompany you, give you the strength and light to go on.”

So it is creating these memories that I am making my mission. Opening my eyes and embracing the whole wide world in technicolour vision.

Some might ask why I’d include words here about drugs and the likes. As I see it in order to write and express with integrity, it is essential to come from a place of honesty. Truth carries with it the greatest of might. It is not my style things to hide. Other than to protect the discretion or transgressions of my friends. Secrets and lies they just rot inside. Take it or leave it, you get what you see. If there’s something that you read here that causes you to pass judgement on me. Perhaps take a look first inside yourself. Often the things that we fear the most are the shades in are our own reflections. Everything we have done and been is part of who we are now. Holding onto regret, shame or blame just stifles our path forward. As my yoga chakra teacher has told me, in order to grow in the present and be grounded in who we are. We must first look at and acknowledge our past for all its light and dark.

This time coming up is about growing ready. Cut down the cigarettes, drugs and getting blind drunk. It doesn’t make for a hunk. Natural highs and hugs, the elation of soul. It shall be a bumpy ride but that’s when we discover us, when the ground under becomes unsteady. We find our feet when we fall. My boxing trainer told me these wise words, that its time to stop being a passenger at the back of the bus and instead start driving my own car with direction. It’s about the journey rather than the destination. If we release fear, accept joy, love and passion. On that beautiful road we’ll find each other somewhere, somehow. Our universes create as together in beauty they come crashing.