Crawling out of the darkness

They say the eyes are the windows to the soul
That very well may be true…..
But what do the eyes see, what do they miss?
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person
But give him a mask…he will tell you his truth
Is that what a mask really is?
…..Maybe for some but not for me
For me masks are…
Illusions used to make it through each day
Illusions used to hide behind, hide the truth
My first mask, my heritage, beautiful and real, of course
It speaks of a people, a culture, a way of life ….
but it was an illusion I hid behind
Used it to create excuses for the things that I held
This became my shackles in a prison I did not create
They shackled, kept me prisoner
Long before I understood that I was a prisoner
It took me a long time
To remove the shackles of the understandings I took on but did not create
As I liberated myself from those shackles
I found myself lost!
Questions permeated my mind….
Who am I? Am I happy? Sad? Angry? Artistic?
Talented? Bored? Am I a good mother? A good person?
Who was I?….WHAT was I?
How could I project myself into the world when I didn’t know who “I” was?
As I struggled with I, who and what a web had formed around me
It had me locked in a way,
An understanding that I….just could not understand…. How the fuck did this happen to me!? A strong woman! An educated woman! An opinionated woman! A woman who stood up for herself!
Stood for no bullshit! An intelligent woman! A fighter! A Champion!
Yet! In this web I was caught
Struggling to escape yet with every twitch, every effort,
Every movement, only entangling me further
Binding me further, making it harder to escape
A
ll the while my captor,
Watching, relishing, prolonging my captivity
ensuring that when it appeared I would break free …..
There was no escape
Locked, bound in a chain I did not know how to rid myself of
My body was bound,
But more importantly my mind was bound
You see… it is one thing for the body to be bound but once your captor achieves your mind…
It is then that you truly are confined,
Then you truly become a prisoner
I thought I was safe,
He was my solace My love, how could this be!
I opened my heart I let him in!
And in return he threw me into a prison in the 9th level of hell!
His words seared me, his actions scared me and yet there I stood
Bound by honour, bound by my loyalty,
Bound by my love, bound by my…what I had learned
Not leaving, remaining silent to all about my pain
About what was truly happening to me
No words, no actions, just endurance
It is here that my resilience and strength began to build
His words were like shards of glass in my mind
His actions were like a 4 car collision to my body
Was this love for everyone? Is this how it was?
How it should be? Could be? Must be?
Love….hurts….like this?….
My mind was a web of confusion. And confusion became my comfort, my normal
My! New solace
I sat in the understanding that I did not understand
Knowing that I simply must endure
Make it through today so that I could make it to tomorrow
This is life! This is what it is I said to myself
Don’t fight there is no point I told myself
It is there that I lost hope
There I lost…..me…..
My mouth bound, my mind lost, I endured.
There he pushed, there he seared, scarred,
And I withstood, I stood
And as I did…. I began to….
I saw my strength, I saw my resilience
No I did not fight, no I did not stand but I did endure
A new understanding opened.
And as it did, a new mind was created
A new me
As I learned about this new me I saw my…
Strength, my resilience, my fight,
My resolve, my serenity, my solace,
My drive, my desire,
My inability to be touched by him…any more
Well…maybe….it was not a new me,
Maybe that me was always present,
I just didn't know her, never saw her
And now here I am
Truly me, as I gratefully continue this journey and learn
No need for a mask any more
This is me
I am happy with that
I am in love with that
Not without wounds and scars mind you, but here, a whole me
Remember that scars remind us where we have been
They do not have to dictate where we are going
So here I am, going scars and all, forward.
No longer bound. No longer in that prison
No longer a prisoner of resilience and strength I am….
Not hiding, I am not cowering
I see him for who and what he is
But more importantly I see me for who and what I am.
I can not lie
I’ve tried a thousand times
I’ve told my mind it is convinced but my heart does not care ….
I still love him
I probably always will, my love was and is true.
Still true and loyal to my captor,
To the one who inflicted more
Pain on me then I ever thought I could endure
But it is no longer my weakness
Hearts love without judgement
And so I loved him true But am no longer a prisoner in that prison He cannot penetrate me again
In a way I thank him for giving me,
Showing me all that I can be,
Showing me my strength to endure
Maybe that is a part of the forgiveness
I give him which thankfully frees me
Finding the silver lining you know?
But he will never define me!
He! Will never consume me!
He will never! Ever! Again….

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