My top worries

In no particular order because I don’t know which to worry about more, so actually this can be number one. Worrying about what to worry about most.

I feel as if I’m going backwards in terms of the counselling. Flashbacks (albeit not so severe) have returned.

I feel as if the world and life are passing me by and no matter how hard I try to reach out and grab it, I can never get anything more than a tiny piece of its fabric before it rips away.

I enjoy my own company, but at the moment I’m doing way too much thinking. I love the summer. I love the easy routine and being with the kids. But this year is the first year I have a small feeling of fear-how do I maange this summer differently to all the others? I am feeling incredibly lonely and isolated right now and the natural thing to do is to slip back in to old habits. I’m not sure I know how to stop that happening.

I am scared to admit to my hopes because in doing so, they become real. And the reality is, I may not achieve them. My capacity for self sabotage is immense. I read all these ‘positive thinking’ mantra’s and I’m genuinely envious because they all rely on a basic fundamental-that the individual doesn’t dislike themselves at thier very core. I do.

I think some of this turmoil is because I’m re-visiting a time when my father attacked me as an adult. I had no control, no power and felt helpless. I’m embarrassed and ashamed that this happened to me. I still try to ‘defend’ myself-sure we argued, but what could I possibly have said that merited that? I’m still blaming myself somewhere.

Reading this back, I’m inclined to think that actually this should be my one and only worry right now-how to move on from the sense of blame and shame.

Like what you read? Give Finding Niddrie a round of applause.

From a quick cheer to a standing ovation, clap to show how much you enjoyed this story.