Short story, long story-you decide

Cora was a quiet child. Her school reports always mentioned the word conscientious, repeatedly. Cora worried about not doing her best, worried about being told off and worried and worried about lots of things. She thought she might be clever, but was too afraid to speak out and draw attention to herself in case she was wrong. Consequently the other word that featured a lot in Cora’s school reports was ‘confidence’, or more to the point the lack of.

Cora struggled to belong to a friendship group. She was shy and the friend she liked the most had another friend. Groups of three rarely worked, and Cora was always the one left out. Everything in school required a pair-Cora learnt early on that 2 into 3 simply doesn’t go.

At home, Cora was quiet. She tried very hard to fit into the pattern of belonging that her mum and sister seemed to have subconsciously found with each other. Cora didn’t fit and she couldn’t quite work out why. Maybe it was because she enjoyed football, playing outside and doing things little girls weren’t supposed to do.

Or maybe she didn’t feel like she fitted because she was bullied. But not bullied by a stranger, bullied by her father. Cora never held a knife and fork correctly, or sat straight enough or spoke in an acceptable way. These criticisms would eat away at her shaky confidence.

Although this was hard enough to understand what really hurt was being hit. Or being thrown against a door or being dragged across the floor. That hurt a lot.

And no one told her it wasn’t her fault. No one sat her down and explained that it was absolutely nothing to do with her. In fact it all became something that was never to be discussed. Cora felt as if it were she who should never be discussed.

She kept trying valiantly to fit in. Kept trying to stop herself getting hurt. And then her dad had an affair and her mum threw him out. And the green card came from her mum-‘it was OK to be angry with her dad’. So she allowed herself to be angry. But not because of what he had done to her, but because of how he had hurt her mum.

And Cora took on extra responsibilities to help her mum. Cora felt as if it were her job to look after her mum. And that became the new role. It became the expected and accepted role. For a while it felt good too because her mum really appreciated it and Cora felt finally as if she belonged.

Cora’s mum had always had ‘moments’-she would faint or collapse or lose her memory. It scared Cora to see her mum like that. Cora knew it was her dad who caused most of these. Cora decided early on that she would never ever be the cause of one of her mum’s ‘moments’.

And so the pattern formed. Cora wanted to please, Cora hated upsetting people, Cora believed herself to be somehow flawed. Cora thought her only real success in life was in looking after others. Cora felt responsibility for others more than for herself.

But a small part of Cora also wanted to feel OK. She fought internally with the Cora who believed she might actually have a spark of intelligence and ability. But the fear and lack of self confidence always won over. And Cora formed a strange pattern of self loathing mixed with fear and hope that influenced her life for more than 30 years.

Right now, she’s trying to change the battle so that the winners are hope and confidence, but it is a long, long way off. She has to fight for her place in her family. Fight for a new role, one that will not be welcomed by many. She also has to fight to find herself, let alone a life, work and happiness. She has a real fight on her hands.