How not to get ahead in marketing

Firesouls
Firesouls
Aug 23, 2017 · 3 min read

Every day I think about how we can help our customers. How we can better understand their needs. How we can better position what we do to meet those needs. This morning, I want to share what not to do. The following is 101 on how not to get customers and to alienate them completely.

The following are excerpts from a bunch of emails received over the past few weeks by me from the CEO of a marketing consultancy. I kinda feel bad about sharing, but this guy is just nuts.

Email #1… 20 July

Salutations Dan,

You don’t know me, and that’s probably because my VA Axxx has only just pulled your email from the Internet.

Not the best start. But look, he included a funny picture of a chimpanzee (Axxx, apparently). He then tells me what he can do for me — get more customers… the lack of self-awareness is impressive — before signing off thus:

I look forward to receiving your bemused response.

Think you’ve slightly misjudged that one. Followed by:

P.S.: No more emails? Just reply with ‘Unsubscribe’ and your details will be fed to the Terrible Bloodsucking, Toothplucking, Stonechuckling Spittler.

Too much, pal. I’m not entirely sure of what, but just far… too… much. Delete, delete, delete.

Email #2… 31 July

Greetings Dan,

I sent you an obviously quite hilarious email last week to see if we could meet for just a few minutes and talk about getting your company more customers, but I didn’t hear back from you!

Damn straight. So we get a bit more about what he can do for me, followed by:

Quite frankly Dan, I’m getting rather worried! Drop me a quick message back so I know all is well, otherwise, I’ll have Axxx [his VA, the chimp] lead a search party out for you, these guys can be quite vicious…

I think we’re now entering stalker territory. I need to report this guy to the marketing police. This is my trail of breadcrumbs everyone.

Email #3… August 9

Hi Dan,

I really don’t want to disturb, annoy, nor cause you to bang your head against the wall.

Accompanied by a picture of Vincent Vega, the smack head assassin from Pulp Fiction. Off-key, right? Takes cold calling to a whole new level.

To be honest I wouldn’t have bothered writing this except that I got an email this morning saying:

Let me know if you fancy a quick chat! Alternatively, feel free to tell me to get lost…

Cheers

xxxx

Sent from my iPhone

Ha ha!!! I’m actually considering giving this guy a call…

)
Firesouls

Written by

Firesouls

We make digital products that drive innovation in, and get more resources to the public and community sectors. www.socialvalueexchange.org

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