Where to begin…
That face you make when….
Where To Begin…
The message pings through the world like an Uber passenger waiting to be picked up:
Love Yourself First
But where are the directions? Where is the driver? Where is the vehicle even? Where do we begin?
I could not answer this before my kids helped destroy “where I came from”.
In fact, I’d say forgetting where you came from is the very first step into deeper enlightenment. I’ll be bold enough to tell you the GODS HONEST TRUTH is… that to “Never Forget” perpetuates more harm then it could ever prevent. That your own past is no more relevant than your ancestors past of 2000 years ago. No matter how terrific or horrific you perceive it to be. That “what is done; is done” comes so pure from the heart, the mind could not create a pattern of words to better describe it. With that said, inspiration of “past” acts live on forever.
WE, every single individual ever to exist HERE, came from LOVE. A joining of two beings to create the one. Subtraction by addition; defying mathematical probabilities. The chances of you coming into existence logically defy the mind. No matter the conditioning or environments that arose around such an act… It is LOVE all the same. As bright light OR darkness can change what one visualizes OF an act, the act does not change… It simply acts.
*Noting that both light and dark can blind alike the subtle nature of what that act of Love really is.
That Once that Loving act comes forth it’s simply the beginning of the end. There is no: where. You are utterly and completely… Nowhere! What a position you must accept. To commit to… or as the spiritual guides say… Surrender to that “Nowhere”.
This Nowhere, where I was left… Looking to make it right… Left me BEING career-less, spouse-less, and father-less with 3 children. I say father-less not because my own father died when I was 12. But because I was less of a father than I could ever imagine. I “showed up to the hood” with no idea how to dance!
Awwwwwkward😐
I was in no position to accept any position; since I was literally left in the middle of nowhere. If that makes sense.
After over a decade of absorbing so many lost soul’s pains and darkness; overshadowing the programming of self, in which (I’m told I MUST) systematically uphold so many things I knew in my heart I could never uphold… I finally collapsed. I fell like never before. Into myself.
And all the pain I felt from others, my selfless service to my craft, my family, and my life’s existence until this moment… Could not come close to what I felt within this collapse. To call this a depression would be far too defined to express within us the unlimited-expansive pain and void I literally became. But yet a depression is quite what it is. Like a collapsing star that some science suggests creates a black hole… The void & release of all the light ever held inside that star; happening simultaneously.
So as this de-pressure happens and you awaken like never before unto all the passion, creative light, and deeper energies… as well as this void YOU created… The question is…
Where do I begin?
Which also infers, what do I do now?
So here WE are again. Back at the beginning. In a never ending cycle I have already decided MUST end. No more working to “occupy” myself like an invading country pillaging resources in the name of self “help”. No more being with someone simply to “be in relation to me”. No more upholding structures of others that strain and stress everyone around them. No more pleasing everyone “at all cost”. No more fear of disappointing the disappointed. No more excusing myself from being supportive OF my kids with the excuse I was supporting their life… Styles.
Where I begin is as far away from ME as possible. Because everything I truly wanted to BE was pushed back so deep; for everything I thought I needed to be. And now that I’m here… I’m lost in the middle of nowhere. {The distance from myself creating a distance from everyone around me.} Reaching for something that in my mind, isn’t there.
Since there isn’t a thought in existence that can tell you how stop yourself from wearing the armor you have worn for so long. There is no place to put it now that you have committed to a loving existence, which has no place for armor. No place for the battles of old. For as foreign as war is to this new dimension you are entering… The dimensions you are leaving cannot place this new found light exploding out as fast as the dead weight drops in. This IS… divine integration of its intervention.
So It is I truly step INTO fatherhood with very little of myself to give my children… Finding my children in my long absence (working so long and hard through life) are willing to accept very little of me, compounding my own “identity crisis”. Not because I don’t know who I am GOING to Be from here on out… But because everything I see tells me I Am not accepted. Never mind others around me who have come to “count on me” FOR the number of things I am MORE than… “capable of”.
When it is NOW I must become incapable of so many things just to BE capable of loving myself in the ONLY manner that will Ever… Again… Matter. I must fill my own void with the kind of compassion and kindness that I first deserve. With everyone else then to BE, gifted from IT. As I have done a far much better job of giving than receiving… It’s time to begin. For my three children must not ever go through what I have, in the manners that I have.
Thus then… For once… I must truly FORGET MY MANNERS. Forget my past without leaving it behind. Because all the good behind me is what’s going to Carry me forward. If one can feel that.
And so it begins with my kids… As they slowly pick apart and demolish everything I (k)new. And not only where it began… But everything of Old that has lead me here. Clearly what’s left can only point to the present.
