Broken: A Failed Writing Challenge

Five-Fifths Human
Aug 23, 2017 · 3 min read

I set out to do another personal writing challenge, but something just isn't working right. And I started crying, and I don't really know why, besides the fact that I'm tired of feeling broken.

Living with depression is HARD, folks. I’m not talking about being depressed because you lost your job, or your dog died, or some other specific situation that causes you to be temporarily sad, albeit for an extended period of time. I’m talking about feeling like that 24/7/365; clinical major depressive disorder. Constantly feeling like you are trying to pull yourself out of a pit. It’s a Sisyphean task that I’m doomed to carry out every single day. The effort that normal people put into things like bettering themselves, finding their passions, participating in extra activities . . . for me most of that goes into simple functioning. Making myself get out of bed. Getting dressed. Getting to work somewhat on time. Forcing my brain to understand tax law. Feeding myself. Getting ready for bed. And starting all over again the next day. When I’m left to my own devices with nothing to do for the day, I sleep. The guilt of feeling like I’m not doing enough exacerbates the already existing depression, and it’s just a downward spiral. It feels like I am trying to swim out of a vortex. All of my energy is consumed by surviving.

I often ask myself what’s the point of living such a mediocre existence. Everyone says it’ll get better, but it doesn’t. It just gets more or less tolerable depending on the current efficacy of my medications or what crisis I’m currently dealing with. When I do feel good I enjoy it while I can, because I know another slump is coming. I look back at my TimeHop posts and its the same thing, year after year after year. It’s the same up and down cycle, the same hope and disappointment. I see my therapist, I take my medicines, I change my thoughts, I exercise, I do everything they tell me to do, and yet I still feel broken.

Then there’s this whole idea that we control our lives with our thoughts, so there’s the extra worry that I’m causing my own circumstances with my thoughts. That’s a heavy burden to carry around, the idea that I can turn everything around with just thinking positive. Sorry, depression doesn’t work that way, and maybe they need a Law of Attraction for People With Depression. I have affirmations staring me in the face every day at my desk, and still nothing gets me out of this pit. Perhaps I’d be deeper in the pit without them. I’ll admit I’ve gotten better managing my depression over the years, but now, at almost 40, it feels like I’ve reached a plateau, and I don’t like it here.

Depression has robbed me of the ability to find enjoyment in life. I have things I'm good at, but I have no passion. Everything just feels flat and pointless. Nothing ignites a fire in me because I feel perpetually smothered. I'm tired and I just don't care anymore. I have nobody to talk to because to everyone else my life is just dandy, and why am I even complaining?? It is more than situational, it is internal. And I can't escape it. And I really want to.

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Five-Fifths Human

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I think, and I write things.